WhoDeyRevolution

Another Glaring Difference Between The Reds And Brownengals

The results on the field haven't been good for the Reds the last 10 years, but at least Castellini and Co. are doing everything they can to keep their fans happy. From C Trent's spot comes the news that the Reds are bringing back $5 tickets, but more importantly, A FREAKING DOLLAR MENU!!! I have had dreams, very pleasing ones, where dollar hot dogs are involved. I think the only thing sold at Paul Brown for a dollar is extra jalapenos for the nachos.

The Reds are like the bizzaro Bengals. Things get bad in the economy, the Reds try to assuage their fans with cost friendly maneuvers. The Bengals, on the other hand, are spending more money on lawyers to battle it out in court with their paying customers than they do on scouting and front office personnel combined. The Reds plan for the future looks promising at the moment. That is of course as long as Dusty doesn't bring Patterson back to keep the basepaths unclogged. The Bengals vision for the future involves franchising kickers, signing washed up veterans and rooting for the Steelers in the playoffs. 

Go Reds.

The Bengals Are Going To Turn Cincy Public Schools Into Lord Of The Flies

I ran across an alarming article the other day about an Ohio court not having any money to buy paper and other supplies. Aside from it being a real indicator of the trouble our state is in economically, it made me think about how Hamilton County is going to be adversely affected by still having to pay Mike Brown a boatload of money every year.

Since Mike Brown obviously hates our city and will let it die before he ever has to give back any future earnings his family might make, I envisioned how Cincinnati Public Schools will turn out when they don't have any money to restock things like paper and chalk, and for the fortunate rooms, dry erase markers. Here are my questions.

Are the schools going to have to reuse old tests instead of printing new ones? Will teachers be fighting in the break room over the last piece of chalk? Will the head janitor have more power than the principal since he or she holds the keys to the supply room? Will the other janitors conspire to topple the head janitors totalitarian regime? Will kids be able to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water without getting ravaged by wild packs of chalkless teachers. Will the nurse's office become an opium den for all the wounded children and shiftless administrators?

I hope you're happy Mike Brown when the government has to send the national guard in to restore order.

Mike Brown's Redeeming Rod Is Vibrating Wildly

Don't worry Matt Jones, your cries for help will be answered. If there is one thing we know about Mikey Boy, it's that he will leave no stone unturned when trying to sign cheap "misunderstood talent". I'm sure right now or when he wakes up at 5 AM for the early bird special at Country Kitchen Mikey will call his lone "scout" in the southeastern region and tell him to stop watching all those potentially expensive yet potentially good draft picks from the SEC and get his ass over to where the bargain is going to be when the Jags cut him.

Or better yet, the more delicious Mikey move would be to trade our 6th pick to the Jags for Jones and mayber a late rounder since Mikey "doesn't" have the money for all these hoity toity first day picks. Everyone knows not-very-competitive amateur football organizations are built in the 7th round and beyond. How do you think we got such studs as Simeon Castille and David Jones last year?

Bill Cowher's Racist Chin: Field Report

WDR reporter Mike Woelyoshoen is on the beat in Tampa and caught up with Bill Cowher's Racist Psychotic Chin at a Hooters near the stadium. In between signing autographs by smudging the lowermost tip of his "body" in hot sauce and then smearing it on the terrible towels that Steelers fans apparently and inexplicably carry around all the time, not just on gameday, the Chin answered some questions for us. Here is the transcript.

Mike W: Let's start off with the easy ones. Who's your pick for the big game?

The Chin: The Cardinals, because their coaching staff will be focused on the game and not P Diddy's after party.

Mike W: Is that a veiled reference to Mike Tomlin being black?

The Chin: Are you a veiled reference to being an idiot? I'm not in a funeral procession you namby pamby journalpuss. It was a statement of fact.

Mike W: Moving along...what has been your favorite part of Super Bowl week so far?

The Chin: Well Whisenhunt and I had a few Red Dog's over at Whiskey Tango the other night before hooking some tail at this very Hooters. Girl had just won a wing eating contest and was ready to cleanse her pallet with the old Chin.

Mike W: That's a hell of a euphemism.

The Chin: A what? What are you talking about? We went and got sorbet after that.

Mike W: Oh. Sorry. I thought....something else.

The Chin: After I got that wing taste out of her mouth then I gave her the old one, two, now buckle my belt back up women.

Mike W: Well thanks for your time.  

Disgusting.

Hey Steelers kids.  You suck at your instruments.  You sound like crap.  You're ugly.  You're stupid.  And you will grow up to have a crippling drug addiction, no friends, and a family that disowns you.

Oh.  And your lyrics are uninspired too.

Someone just fast track these miserable little runts to the involuntary euthanasia program.  Or a child labor camp.  Now.

The Steelers nightmare has no end.

Bill Cowher's Racist Psychotic Chin Must Be Stopped

Back when Bill Cowher retired there was a little known story about the hiring process that followed his wake. His Chin was a part of the exploratory committee to find their next coach, and while the rest of this committee was all for Mike Tomlin after his sterling interview and vision for the Steelers, the Chin had some strong reservations. Most notably, that Tomlin was black. Not only that, but to quote the Chin, "Not only is he black, but he also wouldn't apologize to me for being black."

This of course though was no shock to the Rooney family. They had held back Cowher's backward thinking Chin on many occasions from inciting some sort of racial eruption. The first time they realized the Chin was an uncontrollable racist was when Himes dropped a crucial pass against the Bengals in one of his first seasons. The Chin struck Himes in the throat (Very commendable by the Chin) while Himes was sitting on the bench and told him to go back to dragging rickshaws (Not so commendable, should stick to the throat striking) like the rest of his family.

The second time it happened Greg Loyd and the Chin came to blows in the locker room after they lost in the Super Bowl. Everyone then knew that the Chin would need some counseling. Dick Lebeau stepped in at that point and begain reading the Chin racially harmonious bedtime stories like the flaming grandfatherly fool that he is.

But apparently the counseling has worn off because now there are reports coming from Tampa that the Chin is on the loose and will stop at nothing until Mike Tomlin learns to respect his betters. It was spotted at Joe's Crab Shack last night, where reports from several witnesses say that the Chin harrassed an old black couple trying to enjoy their meal before making a lewd unprovoked comment to a young black waitress.

On an unrelated but nonetheless intriguing note the Chin was strongly in favor of hiring Whisenhunt as the next HC.

This Long Nightmare Of A Season Is Not Going To End Well

As if this season hasn't been unsavory enough with the whole 0 and whatever streak the Bengals started with and the unwatchable offense and general lack of caring from the Bengals organization to the plight of their fans, the playoffs have offered only a big middle finger to Cincinnatians.

Let's see, what is the only thing that could possibly rival my angst about the NFL and the Bengals being the symbolic meth head of the league? If you ventured a guess that involved the shining pile of crap that is the Steelers, then you sir, or madam, are correct.

It is so very deflating to watch Pittsburgh's inevitable run towards a title that I have started to openly root for very bad things to happen to Steelers players, fans and the city in general. I think if there was ever going to be a fun time to have a plague lay waste to a city anywhere in the world, right now, in Pittsburgh, would be as good a time as ever. Just Kidding. Not really though.  

I guess I'm just going to have to put my faith+1 in the hands of God's avenging angel Kurt Warner to smite Himes and Roethslinger and that whole F'ing bandwagon fanbase. 

Can't Everyone Lose?

I figure I'm not the only one out there who hates every team in the NFL and wants to watch them all lose. But since someone has to win, I am begrudgingly advocating a Dolphins championship. And it is really for only one spiteful reason.

Levi Jones.

Joey Porter and his boys had the one in a lifetime chance to hit him in the head with a stool and they freaking seized it. I envy Joey Porter's foresight to hit Levi Jones preemptively for his sorry play in the 2008 season.

Go Dolphins.

2008 Bengals: Worst Ever?

In a recent segment on NFL Network ranking the worst NFL teams of all time, the guys cleverly picked all of the 1990's Bengals teams to occupy the #4 spot.  Watching this, a lot of great Lost Decade memories came back: Tremain Mack, Jeff Query, Erik Wilhem, and more.  Man, those guys were so terrible it was fun.  But then I remembered, of all the teams in the 1990's, none lost more than 13 games.  And then I got worried, is the 2008 Bengals squad the worst in franchise history?

With 3 games, left, the 2008 version is 1-11-1 with home games vs the Redskins (7-6) and Chiefs (2-11) and at the Browns (4-9).  The Bengals are going on 11 quarters without a TD.  It seems pretty likely that the team drops at least 2 of the last 3 to finish with a worse statistical record than ANY team in the 90s and threatening to out-suck the 2002 squad that finished 2-14.

Which early Bengals teams were worse than the 2008 version?  In your comment, please also discuss one memory from that season.

Weather Forecast For 2009 - Cloudy and 99% Chance Of Losing

Since I can't force my mind to focus any energy on the current state of the Bengals( You know you've hit rock bottom when your dad has a running joke about switching his allegiance to the Browns), I figured I could put my prognosticatin shoes on and guess what kind of hijinx is going to ensue in the upcoming year.

Cedric Benson will be resigned to a long term deal because Mikey likes the way he sucks.

Chris Henry will go to jail for jumping on stage at the Aronoff and knifing a Shark during West Side Story. In court Henry will infamously say, "No one repeatedly snaps his fingers in my general direction without getting a taste of steel. He's lucky I didn't bust his whip up too."

Marvin Lewis will alternate between drinking away the pain and chuckling away the sorrows.