WhoDeyRevolution

Mike Brown Enters His Golden Era

Mike Brown has been waiting for this day his whole life. He has saved and screwed and saved for his shining moment. Tomorrow, with the blessing and financial underpinnings of the Clermont County Bureau of Commerce, Brown will be the proud landlord of a 12 store commercial zone on Route 32.

    "It's been a long journey, but someday somehow I knew I could get here." Brown said between raindrop sized tears of joy. "The Bengals Organization was only a stepping stone towards my ultimate goal of running a strip mall anchored with a Denny's and a Men's Wearhouse."

    As of now, the Bengal's franchise has been put in a storage facility near the Lion's Den Porn Outlet off of 71.

    With his family alongside him, Brown will get to cut a big ribbon in half with a big pair of scissors. Coincidentally, the same pair of oversized scissors he has team doctors use when exploring hurt Bengals for their "owwie spot."

"I will leave no stone unturned to make sure that this cropping of land will be competitive in bringing in commuter traffic." Brown said, "Just this morning I met with a potential company. They technically are insolvent but I see a lot of promise and I think with my help they can turn it around at the Browntown Plaza."

Dhani Continues To Be Quite The Renaissance Man

So I watched the surprisingly entertaining Dhani Tackles The Globe last night. I missed the first insallment so this was my first foray into the mind of our most intriguing Bengal. Anyway, the episode had him in Switzerland training for some sort of swiss sumo wrestling competition as well as wandering around ingratiating himself with the reclusive country.

Am I the only one that doesn't understand how if he is under contract with the Bengals he can also be doing dangerous things with his body like wrestling and kickboxing and playing rugby? Is he just taking the chance that Mikey Boy hasn't bought into the whole cable TV fad and won't be able to watch the show? To be clear, I am not bitching about Dhani doing some extracurriculars in the offseason. I think it's pretty badass actually. But with all of these reports of athletes getting hurt playing hoops in the offseason, or in the case of hoopster Monta Ellis getting hurt riding a motorscooter, how is Dhani allowed to do this? There has to be a clause in his contract about it being voidable if he gets his collarbone broken on the show. Also, with how much of a joke certain other Bengals treat the offseason, i.e. Levi living underneath a Blizzard machine at a local DQ and Shayne Graham wearing sequined jeans and displaying his once-in-a-generation leadership skills in Mt. Adams, it's nice to know that at least Dhani is doing something active.

With all that aside, Dhani is definitely the coolest Michigan alum I know (He's also the only one I will acknowledge knowing). He has his own tie collection, can carry a cable show, may still ride his bike to work every day, and most awesomely, was arrested in Miami for serving some cop. Basically he's everything Chad could be if he had a working brain. Okay, that's a little harsh. But you get my point.

Bill Cowher's Racist Chin: Field Report

WDR reporter Mike Woelyoshoen is on the beat in Tampa and caught up with Bill Cowher's Racist Psychotic Chin at a Hooters near the stadium. In between signing autographs by smudging the lowermost tip of his "body" in hot sauce and then smearing it on the terrible towels that Steelers fans apparently and inexplicably carry around all the time, not just on gameday, the Chin answered some questions for us. Here is the transcript.

Mike W: Let's start off with the easy ones. Who's your pick for the big game?

The Chin: The Cardinals, because their coaching staff will be focused on the game and not P Diddy's after party.

Mike W: Is that a veiled reference to Mike Tomlin being black?

The Chin: Are you a veiled reference to being an idiot? I'm not in a funeral procession you namby pamby journalpuss. It was a statement of fact.

Mike W: Moving along...what has been your favorite part of Super Bowl week so far?

The Chin: Well Whisenhunt and I had a few Red Dog's over at Whiskey Tango the other night before hooking some tail at this very Hooters. Girl had just won a wing eating contest and was ready to cleanse her pallet with the old Chin.

Mike W: That's a hell of a euphemism.

The Chin: A what? What are you talking about? We went and got sorbet after that.

Mike W: Oh. Sorry. I thought....something else.

The Chin: After I got that wing taste out of her mouth then I gave her the old one, two, now buckle my belt back up women.

Mike W: Well thanks for your time.  

WDR Ruling - Attending Road Games is Acceptable

Dipping into the reader mailbag, we receive a good question from Ken, a Bengals fan in California.  Ken writes:

I am a douchebag. 

I am a huge fan of your site and all that you are trying to accomplish.  I am a California Bengal fan and have been since 1982.  Having a son of my own, who is now 14, I have ensured the cycle of douchebagedness will continue into the next generation.

If I were to adhere to all objectives of your manifesto, am I able to travel to cities that my beloved Bengals play on the road?  How does this impact "son of Paul" and the coffers of his family?...

Ken brings up an interesting point.  As you probably know, we have launched Project Mayhem Task #8 calling for a Bengals' season ticket boycott.  But with regard to road games, while revenue from club seats and suites are not shared with the NFL, revenue from ticket sales are.  So a portion of the NFL revenue relating to ticket sales of other teams will indeed go to Mike Brown.  Should that stop you from attending road games?  Our answer is a qualified No...just don't go to really horrible games that aren't going to sell out anyway and be sure to spread the revolution while you're on the road.  Before our critics cry hypocrisy, please consider a few things...

First, we are not trying to take down the rest of the NFL and any efforts we make to get people to stop going to games in other cities would be futile.  I mean would we, as Bengal fans, factor in the financial effects of our opponent when considering whether to attend a game?  We certainly would not.  Plus can you imagine this, "Hey New York Jets fans...don't go to the Bengals vs. NY Jets game because our team really sucks and part of the money you spend on tickets will go to our horrible owner."  Behavior like this might result in the NY Jets fireman going Patrick Bateman (or WT Steeler fan) on your ass.  (Quick side note...I looked at our opponents for the 2009 season on Bengals.com to determine which team to use as an example.  How quickly did they get the Bengals' 2008 season record and final AFC North standings off of the main page of the web site?  Apparently, 4-11-1 didn't happen after all folks.)

The L.A. of Anaheim Bengals

I just read one of our fearless commenters saying something to the effect of he can't wait for the Bengals to move to LA, and I thought, that change of scenery would be hysterical on a couple levels.  

First, the Bengals would generate about as much interest as the Loyola Marymount athletic teams do. I could see the most attention the team would get would be from fashion inclined people running with our tiger stripes in a comical, I'm above the rules of fashion just like Paul Brown was above the rules of society, kind of way. LA women wearing throwback childrens small halter top jerseys. That I would not be opposed to.

Secondly, Mike Brown would make so so little money. How quickly would that stadium become a ghost town? People out there have better things to do, like rollerblading and living happy lives, than watch and spend money on a semi-professional football organization. The most fans they would get every year would be when USC kicks their ass in a scrimmage. And Mikey would probably have to split the money with USC.

Thirdly, what kind of hijinxs could some of our players get into in LA. Chad hobnobbing with celebrities. Chad would automatically become one of the most well spoken, thoughtful people out there. He would hang out with Rick Fox and eventually grow his hair out and put it in Gheri Curls so that when he and Fox were out on the town they would look like half brothers or something.

Cali's version of knowledgeable football fans would be wondering why Palmer hadn't graduated from USC yet (If I lived out there I would probably have a tough time caring about sports that didn't involve the Laker Girls too). Chris Henry running buck fucking wild wherever he wanted while wearing his own jersey. I could see Henry running a small to midsize dope growing/dealing operation while also flipping stolen cars. Chris Henry would probably overnight become one of the richest, most legitimate businessmen in the whole state.

Bobbie Williams would retire immediatley and start acting. He would quickly become the go to oversized black guy that has three or four good scenes before moving into leading man roles. Five years down the road he would win an Oscar for his portrayal of Penguin in the final Batman movie before OD'ing on too many Ham Sandwiches in a 30 second span.