WhoDeyRevolution

The Man's Existence Has Made Us All Lesser People

KissingSuzyKolber has an article today about Chris Berman that I don't think goes far enough. Although it is evident that Big Daddy Drew is not a fan, I was hoping for a piece so hate-filled that it would transcend the plane between the internet and the outside world, instantly vaporizing Berman and all his smug shtick.

I've lightly touched on the topic of ESPN/Berman before but let me reiterate, he is the worst personality in sports broadcasting. I'd take an infinite loop of Joe Theismann, Hubie Brown and Tim McCarver calling every game in every sport if it meant I never had to hear him turn a straightforward highlight into a bad pun again. It depresses me to think that people out there find him entertaining.

ESPN deserves a lot of credit for making sports such a cultural phenomenon, but in the last 10-15 years I really think it has made all of us dumber in the way we look at sports. ESPN does not make people think about sports analytically. Like a baby, it makes us consume sports information in tiny little morsels, which affects people's views. Instead of getting a discussion on Chad's merits as a receiver, three talking heads yak it up about Chad's sideline antics. Instead of talking about the Bengals as a team, we get a clip of Marvin jogging onto the field and then Mark Schlereth saying he's on the hot seat. This stuff does not make you more informed, it does the opposite and reinforces black and white opinions that they hammer into their viewers head over and over. ESPN could be entertaining and smart considering how much is at their disposal and yet the media empire decided to make people view sports through a tiny prism where there is no room for grey areas or wide ranging ideas. It's sad. 

This hurts Bengals fans because a lot of us only get our news and form our opinions form what ESPN tells us. They don't talk about how our ownership is a living breathing hex. How our O Coordinator should be selling tacos out of the back of a van. The sorts of things that bother WhoDeyRev to no end. So I guess what I'm trying to say is next time you get the chance, don't watch ESPN or Berman. 

Bernard Scott Has Finally Made It

I admittedly have not taken the most straight and narrow path. But now I think I can put all that behind me. I'm not playing for Abilene Christian anymore. No school, no haters, legally free stuff given to me. I'm set. I can just focus on the important stuff. Like being the best player Cincy has ever seen. I can't believe I'm walking into an NFL locker room. This is a dream come true.

Is that Graham putting sequins on a denim jacket? Why is Brad St. Louis walking around the locker room saying, "Meth here, I've got the meth here." Can't Chris Henry wait to take a dump in a trash can until after he's done playing a midget in scrabble. And where are the midget's pants? 

Oh Come On!!!

Bill Cowher's Racist Psychotic Chin Must Be Stopped

Back when Bill Cowher retired there was a little known story about the hiring process that followed his wake. His Chin was a part of the exploratory committee to find their next coach, and while the rest of this committee was all for Mike Tomlin after his sterling interview and vision for the Steelers, the Chin had some strong reservations. Most notably, that Tomlin was black. Not only that, but to quote the Chin, "Not only is he black, but he also wouldn't apologize to me for being black."

This of course though was no shock to the Rooney family. They had held back Cowher's backward thinking Chin on many occasions from inciting some sort of racial eruption. The first time they realized the Chin was an uncontrollable racist was when Himes dropped a crucial pass against the Bengals in one of his first seasons. The Chin struck Himes in the throat (Very commendable by the Chin) while Himes was sitting on the bench and told him to go back to dragging rickshaws (Not so commendable, should stick to the throat striking) like the rest of his family.

The second time it happened Greg Loyd and the Chin came to blows in the locker room after they lost in the Super Bowl. Everyone then knew that the Chin would need some counseling. Dick Lebeau stepped in at that point and begain reading the Chin racially harmonious bedtime stories like the flaming grandfatherly fool that he is.

But apparently the counseling has worn off because now there are reports coming from Tampa that the Chin is on the loose and will stop at nothing until Mike Tomlin learns to respect his betters. It was spotted at Joe's Crab Shack last night, where reports from several witnesses say that the Chin harrassed an old black couple trying to enjoy their meal before making a lewd unprovoked comment to a young black waitress.

On an unrelated but nonetheless intriguing note the Chin was strongly in favor of hiring Whisenhunt as the next HC.

This Long Nightmare Of A Season Is Not Going To End Well

As if this season hasn't been unsavory enough with the whole 0 and whatever streak the Bengals started with and the unwatchable offense and general lack of caring from the Bengals organization to the plight of their fans, the playoffs have offered only a big middle finger to Cincinnatians.

Let's see, what is the only thing that could possibly rival my angst about the NFL and the Bengals being the symbolic meth head of the league? If you ventured a guess that involved the shining pile of crap that is the Steelers, then you sir, or madam, are correct.

It is so very deflating to watch Pittsburgh's inevitable run towards a title that I have started to openly root for very bad things to happen to Steelers players, fans and the city in general. I think if there was ever going to be a fun time to have a plague lay waste to a city anywhere in the world, right now, in Pittsburgh, would be as good a time as ever. Just Kidding. Not really though.  

I guess I'm just going to have to put my faith+1 in the hands of God's avenging angel Kurt Warner to smite Himes and Roethslinger and that whole F'ing bandwagon fanbase. 

Weather Forecast For 2009 - Cloudy and 99% Chance Of Losing

Since I can't force my mind to focus any energy on the current state of the Bengals( You know you've hit rock bottom when your dad has a running joke about switching his allegiance to the Browns), I figured I could put my prognosticatin shoes on and guess what kind of hijinx is going to ensue in the upcoming year.

Cedric Benson will be resigned to a long term deal because Mikey likes the way he sucks.

Chris Henry will go to jail for jumping on stage at the Aronoff and knifing a Shark during West Side Story. In court Henry will infamously say, "No one repeatedly snaps his fingers in my general direction without getting a taste of steel. He's lucky I didn't bust his whip up too."

Marvin Lewis will alternate between drinking away the pain and chuckling away the sorrows.

The Unholiest Of Alliances

It's Sunday Night, a couple hours after the Bengals improved their 2008 defeated streak to 7. Mike Brown is reclining in his favorite chair, the LA-Z-BOY ZX9000. He loves it so much because he got it for a reduced price at the store when he found a scuff on one of the arms and had it appraised by one of the bengals lawyers, who promptly told Target that they would slap a lawsuit on their company before they even left the store if they didn't sell it to Mikey for 20% of the sticker price.

Mikey, in his heart of hearts, had a good day. Although the team he comandeered out of Marvin Lewis' grasp is god-awful and currently free-falling off a very high cliff, he is happy and content. And it isn't because the Bengals are doing bad. He does experience brief pangs of guilt over the malaise that is settling over Cincinnati due to his handling of the most important entity in the city. But those pangs quickly pass when he thinks about his bank statement or the coupon he clipped earlier for the free 8 ounces of flank steak he'll receive with a purchase of Gold's Own Garbanzo Beans.

I Am Mindboggled

I don't understand how our offense can look so good for a series and then the next one proceed to shit in their own hat and wear it around proudly. I'm guessing Carson or Bratkowski said something along the lines of this to each other after one of their random successful drives.

Brat: Wow that was easy. We can't be doing that all game otherwise we might end up winning.

Carson: Don't worry. Lets just run right behind Ghiuciac first and second down. And then on third and 8 I'll overthrow someone or get sacked or throw an unblocked screen pass to Chatman. It gets uf off the field so quick that the defense doesn;t even get to drink any water.

Brat: Sounds like a plan. Oh and remember not to throw to Chad cause he'll probably be open and more importantly he's a dick.

The Curse Of The Mikey

Our resident comma guru and frequent commenter, Chase F, noted after WhoDey NYC's batch of Haterade today that Mike Brown was probably raised in Cleveland for a large portion of his childhood (I would guess that Mikey was probably in diapers and suckling at his mom's tit until he was at least 16). This stinging endorsement of the awfulness that can emerge from near those flammible Cuyahoga waters is the worst in the long string of problems I have with Cleveland.

Photo Caption: Sorry, but Santa vowed never to come back to your town after he was mugged outside Tim Horton's several years ago.

Well...

I am certainly not the first to say it, and I certainly won't be the last either, but this team is going to be hard pressed to win a single game. And the sooner we go 0-16 the sooner nothing is going to happen.

Comrade Leroy Jenkins also noticed that Levi Jones has been getting pancaked. How does that even happen?

Depressed?

Maybe this won't help...

Wouldn't a gravity led piano be a perfect ending to this photo-op. I heard their elopement went swimmingly.

Fucking A

The Fitting Return Of The Lost Generation

According to the Mike Brown party rag, the Bengals are facing off against the Ravens on Paul Brown's 100th birthday to start the season. Brown, almost needlessly to say, founded both Raven's (The Browns before Cleveland folded their franchise) and Bengals.

Coincidence? Or Roger Goodell's idea of a weird cosmic joke that will probably end with the unsolvable murder of Art Modell by the now obviously possessed Chad Ocho Cinco?

I swear, if there are sinkholes in Baltimore's field, a weird howling wind, and yellowish orange light beaming through the cloud's during the game Sunday I am just going to turn off my TV and lock myself in the basement. The Lost Generation is back and its countless playoff win crazed zombies are going to tear through Cincinnati like Sherman through the South.