WhoDeyRevolution

Oh Hob, It's Been Too Long.

Hob seems to have come into training camp this year already in midseason form. Behold...

CANTON, Ohio - After Sunday night’s 16-7 loss to the Cowboys in the Hall of Fame Game, Batman (Terrell Owens) and Robin (Chad Ochocinco) stood at their lockers and began assigning other players to roles in the 1960s hit series they hope to revive in time for the NFL’s regular season.

Alfred the butler is quarterback Carson Palmer.

Correction. Carson Palmer is Batman. Chad is still Robin. And TO is one of Batman's gadgets that Mike Brown picked up from the discount bin at Radio Shack. 

Sunday’s mystery was if the real villain was the pass protection in an uninspiring offensive effort that netted just 136 of 179 yards through the air, particularly when Palmer mustered just a first down in of each of his two series, both on passes to Owens just 12 days after he joined the offense. But he was sacked once, had one ball tipped, and got hit as he threw another incompletion.

Yes Hob. Quite the mystery. I don't know if anyone will be able to crack the case of the why the offense looked horrible. Oh yeah, the Joker is played by Bob Bratkowski and Dennis Roland is his trusty switchblade, if that's any clue. 

A relaxed Owens held court forever in the jammed locker room of Canton’s McKinley High School team while The Ocho left his adjoining locker and met the media elsewhere. It didn’t take Palmer long to start the Owens era, hitting him on a sideline pattern on the left for seven yards and a first down on the second snap. On the next series he hit him for 11 more on the other side as he easily worked against man-to-man coverage. Palmer connected with Owens again over the middle for a short gain, but The Ocho had moved early to wipe it out.

“Excited; anxious,” said The Ocho, looking at another fine for some yellow shoes that didn’t find the yellow brick road.

What in the blue fuck? Okay, the first paragraph needs juuust a smidge of editing. As for the Ocho quote and accompanying description of his shoes. That is some crazy pills mixed metaphor shit right there. Whoah. Again, just to let it sink in. "Looking at another fine for some yellow shoes that didn't find the yellow brick road." Crazy sexxy beautiful is how one awestruck teacher described a young Hob's prose way back when.

The backup passing game and protection was not good. Backup quarterback J.T. O’Sullivan completed four of 11 passes for 33 yards. No. 3 Jordan Palmer played the entire second half and his two interceptions led to 10 points, one out of his own zone that turned into linebacker Brandon Sharpe’s six-yard touchdown return that made it 16-0 with 9:23 left.

Straight talk from a straight shooter right there. As Sleeping W/ Bieniemy already said yesterday, the Bengals are fucked if Palmer goes down. Like might as well forfeit the rest of the season fucked. I say Matt Jones and Brian Leonard should be penciled in as the backups and then let mad creative genius Bratkowski unleash the hounds if/when the O-Line lets someone obliterate Carson. 

Thoughts On TO

Signing Owens could possibly mean that Bratkowski is going to open up the field with legitimate three and four receiver sets instead of the jumbo packages he was calling on last year. That seems like a better offensive gameplan to me. 

TO is really old. His speed is going to fall off a cliff at some point. Especially if he stopped roiding out of his mind like he was in Dallas (Baseless speculation on my part).

Who is in the slot when Chad, Bryant and TO are the three receivers? I would say TO but I have no idea.

ESPN is going to talk about the Bengals constantly without saying a single substantive thing when it comes to real football analysis.*

*I fucking hate ESPN. 

The Genius Of Bratkowski Will Be Unleashed On An Unsuspecting Public This Year

Hob posted an article yesterday focused on the Bengals "revamped" passing attack. And as an added bonus, we get some wild ass quotes from Brat and Chad. Shall we dive right in?

Bengals flipping passing channels

First of all, what in the hell does that headline mean?

There seems to be more of a debate on just how much Bratkowski has changed the pass offense. Quarterback Carson Palmer says it’s the most he’s ever seen but Bratkowski says that doesn’t mean wholesale changes.

“What we did in the run game last year is about equal to the pass game this year,” Bratkowski said. “There’s a lot of carryover. There’s still a lot of things we’re doing that we did last year that we made additions. We’ve changed some of the ways we call things to try and simplify it.”

Bratkowski doesn't make a lick of sense there. I joked when we drafted Gresham that Brat's been a brilliant playcaller all along, except that for his masterful plans to be exacted he needed a good receiving TE. Well, I still don't think it's likely that he's going to turn into some sorcerer dropping lightning bolt like plays from the booth now, but I wouldn't be surprised if there is marginal improvement this season without Coats fucking everything up.

The Ocho shrugged when it came to the playbook.

“There are little tweaks in there every year,” he said. “But the tweaks aren’t enough to where I’m going to be sitting there looking at it. It's common sense, like it always is.”

I'm torn on this one. On one hand, Chad might be just calling it as it is. He knows just as well as all the fans out there that a Brat playbook is always to be taken lightly.

Oooorrr, Chad is being a huge cockswab for pretty much saying he's not going to study the playbook.

The Ocho thinks the Bengals are going to put on a show when they play the Ravens, even though they traded for a fellow wide receiver from Miami in Anquan Boldin.

“Yeah, he’s my homeboy. But Anquan Boldin has to go against the No. 4 defense last year,” he said. “Last time I checked, we destroyed them. We added to our (offense) but we still have a better defense.”

Fuck yeah, Chad. That's how you talk trash.

Establishing the Run = WINS!!!!!!!!!! (Except not really)

Saw an interesting look at stats from Football Outsiders recently.  A reader asked about the 2009 Chargers, and if their offense had the greatest difference between passing offense and rushing offense in the history of FBO's stats (it was).  They ranked first in the league in passing and last in rushing in 2009.  A table showing the top ten offenses all time in terms of passing success/rushing failure was displayed.  Of the ten teams, nine had winning records (the '08 Chargers finished 8-8).  Eight of ten won at least ten games.  Six of ten won 12 games.  Without a doubt, it proved that you can win games having an elite passing offense and a mediocre rushing offense.

Because it makes sense in this context, FBO then looked at the teams with the biggest disparity the other way (great rushing offenses and terrible passing offenses).  Of the ten teams, only one had a winning record.  This team was the 2004 Falcons, with Michael Vick at the helm (obviously this team is weird historically and cannot be duplicated).  The rest, including the 2000 Bengals (#2 team on the list), had losing records.  In fact, only one other team even won seven games.

What does this all mean?  You CAN win if you struggle to run the ball.  You CANNOT win if you struggle to pass the ball (unless your quarterback is an unbelievable athlete in his athletic prime).  If the 2010 Bengals want to continue their winning ways, they need to be able to pass the football.  This means upgraded personnel and more importantly better playcalling.

Obviously, running and passing do not exist in a vacuum.  In fact, better passing should lead to better running, and visa versa.  However, running success should not come at the expense of passing success.  All historical trends point towards this being foolhardy.

Why Does It Take So Long To Be So Stupid?

From Football Outsiders:

Cincinnati was called for delay of game a mind-boggling 15 times. No other team had more than 11 delay of game penalties.

Apparently it takes a while to choose between "Run A, Run B, Pass A, and Pass B."  Consider this exhibit #439 in The People v Bratkowski.

99% Of People Working For The Bengals Not Named Brown Have Gotten Their Job This Way.

The year is 2001. Bob Bratkowski enters a Denny's in Clermont County. Mike Brown is slouched over in a corner booth with his belt unbuckled. He gestures for Bob to come sit down.

Mikey Boy: Hey Bob, have a seat.

Brat: Thanks for having me. This is a nice office you have here. 

Mikey Boy: You cannot beat the rent on this place. I come here once a day to conduct business for 5 or 6 hours and end up only paying like $20. It's magnificent. If I could only make an arrangement with them so that I don't have to tip. That would really put some extra syrup on my pancakes.

Welcome To The HOB ZONE, Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter.

Let's jump right in to this bad boy.

A mere 10 months ago the Bengals offensive line was stunned by the departure of right tackle Stacy Andrews in a free-agency move that forced massive renovations.

Who exactly was surprised by Stacy Andrews' departure? The Brown family? "Why does he want to leave when we are offering so much money?" Said Katie Blackburn, followed by one her patented manly guttural sobbings.

Now after Andrews lost his starting job after one game in Philadelphia, the Bengals head into the offseason looking to improve a blossoming group that came out of nowhere to lead them to their first top 10 rushing finish since record-setting running back Corey Dillon led an assault to No. 2 in the league in 2000.

I think it's funny how Hob tries to vindicate ownership for letting Andrews go. I mean, he sucked when he played for the Bengals and Mikey Boy still wanted him back (Reference: Shocked about Andrews Leaving, 1st Sentence). But who would Hob be if he didn't spin Andrews leaving and taking his suck with him into some visionary move by the Browns. 

You Say It Best When You Say Nothing At All

Assuming the inevitable, what exactly does it mean that the status quo will return on offense next season?

Let's take a gander at some stats from the last two years.  In 2008, the Bengals were 32nd in the NFL on offense (based upon official NFL statistics.  Football Outsiders had them at 28th.  Anecdotally, this seems fair.  No Carson Palmer meant lots of Ryan Fitzpatrick.  Lots of Crazy Legs is good for comedy but bad for offensive production.  The offense was painful to watch.  No spark, no creativity, nothing.  Some (everyone within the organization) would place 100% of the blame at Palmer's elbow.  I don't feel like that's an accurate portrayal of how it went down, however.  The offense was terrible the first two games of 2008 (against good defenses) mustering 3 and 7 points on offense, against the Ravens and Titans.  An overtime defeat to the Giants and a loss in Dallas were decent games offensively, but certainly they didn't look like world beaters even with Carson.

This year, all excuses were gone.  Carson was back and claimed to be 100% healthy.  Housh was gone, but was replaced with Coles.  The running game would be better.  The offensive line greatly outperformed expectations.  So the old Bengals offense was back, right?  Maybe not the old Bengals, but at least a version of the Bengals offense that didn't suck.  Well, we got a mediocre offense back.  The unit ranked 24th by official NFL stats, 19th by Football Outsiders.  Is that terrible?  No, it was good enough to win 10 games.  Considering that the organization feels Carson is a top-flight quarterback?  It's terrible.

The most disturbing part of this all is the decline of Carson Palmer.  Football Outsiders rates him as the 15th best quarterback by DYAR (total value) and 19th best quarterback by DVOA (per play value) for 2009.  Is that acceptable?  Sure, if your name is Trent Edwards.  Can you win games with a quarterback playing at that level?  Obviously.  Can you win a championship?  In 2010, I'm not sure that you can.

To me, bringing back everyone, especially the offensive coordinator, tells me that the Bengals feel all of this is OK.  It's fine that the top paid quarterback in the league is playing like a mid-level starter.  It's fine that the offense will continue to produce 17 points a game.  It's fine if you don't strive for great, merely for good.

I mean, look at some of Carson's games.  The first Cleveland game (23-44/230 yds/2 TD/1 INT/73.1 rat).  The win in Pittsburgh (18-30/178/0/0/76.8).  The loss in Minnesota (15-25/94/1/0/81.1).  The record setting day in the Meadowlands (1-11/0/0/1/1.7).  Hell, just look at the stats from his last 8 regular season games combined.  During that stretch, Carson was 122 for 206 (59.2%) for 1,262 yards (157.75 a game) with 7 TDs and 6 INTs, for a QB rating of 76.15.  This is the highest paid quarterback in the league!

Also, let us not forget that the Bengals offense is trending further and further back to the 1970s as the game evolves into more and more of a passers league.  Of the 8 teams remaining in the playoffs, the Saints, Colts, Chargers, and Cardinals are all either pass heavy or much more effective passing than running.  The Vikings, despite Adrian Peterson, threw it a lot better than they ran it this year.  The Cowboys were effective both running and passing.  Only the Ravens and Jets are run first teams, and both are expected to fall this weekend.

Honestly, given this, there seems to be two options.  Cut bait with the quarterback (no) or find someone else to coordinate the offense (yes).  Naysayers will ask how this helps the offense get better.  Wouldn't changing the system make the offense even worse?  For the very short term, possibly.  For the long term, it couldn't possibly be a detriment, provided of course that the new playcaller be someone who is remotely competent.

The Bengals have a quarterback being paid elite-quarterback money playing at an average level.  The question is not, "Is there a problem?" but rather, "How can we solve this problem?"

End of Season Ramblings

Brian Schottenheimer designed an offensive gameplan that allowed Mark Sanchez to look better than Carson Palmer.  You think Brat could do that if he switched places with Schottenheimer?

The Jets first 2 touchdowns came on 2 very cleverly designed plays that relied on the Bengals over-committing on fakes and over-committing to the run, as well as building upon previous plays they had used to fool the Bengals.  Do you ever see Brat come up with stuff like that?  No.  No you don't.  Because he doesn't.  Because he sucks.

This leads to the obvious first off season step.  Fire Brat.

Second step is to cut Shayne Graham.  I would have cut him when he wanted more than $750k to kick a damn football this past off season. (okay - technically he has no contract so we can just let him go)

Franchising Shayne Graham this offseason was just stupid and pointless and bizarre even before you take into consideration last night.

Third step is to retain Zimmer.  I actually thought last night's game wasn't so hot for Zim.  But regardless, his body of work speaks for itself.  Let's be honest, with the loss of Jeanty, Sims, Odom, Rey & Roy the defense was starting to get thin.  Seemed like they lost gas towards the end of the game.

Perhaps Carson cannot thrive in an offense that emphasizes running so heavily.  Sure, he didn't look good last night (against the NFL's number 1 pass defense in January outdoors, hint:  no one would have looked good) or for most of the second half but even this year I've seen him make some remarkable throws.  I will continue to apologize for him until he gets good protection, a game plan that doesn't minimize his chances to succeed, and more than one person to throw it to.

Okay, so perhaps the line is better at run blocking than pass blocking.  Fine.  I'll give you that.  Even so, designing the offensive strategy to minimize Carson's impact has to rank up there as one of the most insane choices by a franchise that has made many insane choices.

Overemphasizing the run appears to have had the side effect of atrophying the skills of Carson Palmer.  Like I said.  Insane.

But boy was Cedric Benson good last night.  His greatest strength this year (I think) is his ability to turn runs that should be losses into positive yardage even when the lines lets him down.  He did that again and again last night.

Marvin's challenges were clearly idiotic.  Even so, he does so many other things well that you need in a Bengals head coach.  Most importantly, the Brown's trust him and it seems he can actually influence personnel decisions.  Though less so than he used to.  Still, he remains the fans first and only line of defense against total Brown family incompetence.

Coles for $1 mil less per year than TJ is looking like perhaps the worst decision the off season.  Bad move by the Brown's but also a bad choice by TJ.  The "bad clubhouse" guy thing people use to say we're better off without him still smells of rationalizing after the fact to me.

Next season we will have a tough schedule it seems.  NFC South and AFC East plus games against the Colts and Chargers.  The Bengals need to nail the off season and draft to stay on top.  The margin for error is non-existent.

This season peaked in week 10 basically.  The trend had been down for some time and the whole second half leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I get the feeling 2009 was only a brief window of opportunity from a favorable schedule, some luck, and an over-achieving defense.  I get the feeling that the window will get violently slammed shut during the off season.

I guess this could all be moot depending on how the CBA/lockout/salary cap nonsense plays out.

And, of course, I may be wrong*.

WOOO! PLAYOFFS! MY CAPS LOCK IS BROKEN!

While I certainly didn't enjoy last night's massacre, I still would consider yesterday a good football day. Can you guess why? Probably. The Steeler's got bounced son! And the Bengals didn't. I don't know about you but nothing that happened yesterday could deter me from being in a good mood once the dust had settled and the Steeler's were left holding the bag of shit that is Limas Sweed.

Now, yes, things do not look promising considering how flaming death spiral bad the Bengals offense was and how sieve like the defense looked. But, I don't see it as a sure fire sign that this squad can't at least put up a fight on Saturday. As far as I could tell (I was half drunk/half catatonic from the past weekend of football watching and new years festivities to really concentrate), Zimmer had his team in base defense the whole time. And Brat, well Brat was probably lying down on a cot in the back of the box. I'm pretty sure Brat decided to not let a silly night game upset his 730 bedtime. And the players were probably not as focused as they should be considering they already had the division locked up. Maybe I'm just making excuses but I don't see the Bengals gettting rejected like that again. And Tom Nelson better not play. He sure can't tackle or cover for such a gritty, smart player.