WhoDeyRevolution

Tremendous Offseason from the Steelers

While the Bengals have been doing a yeoman's work this offseason by pretty much keeping all the players they needed to keep from last year (waiting on Bobbie still) and signing a promising replacement for Lavearegaoiewans Coles, the Steelers have been running totally amok.

But in a much different way. 

Orson Swindle over at Everyday Should Be Saturday holds the annual Fulmer Cup, a dubious prize awarded to the college program with the most misadventures with the law (both the number and seriousness of infractions receive consideration).  He even has a big board and everything.  Oregon started with a huge run but ECU recently came on strong.

Perhaps we need to start one for the NFL (suggest names in the comments).  If so, the usual front-running Bengals, home of innumerable wayward souls in need of redeeming, are getting flat out destroyed by the Steelers this year.  Big Ben, of course, faces the most serious charges.  But don't sleep on Santonio Holmes.  Even though the criminal charges were dropped for chucking a glass at a woman who took his seat in a club, he followed that up by apparently telling someone to go kill themselves on his twitter account.

And did I mention at one point he allegedly changed his twitter name to Pussy Monsta?

Charming.

Anyway, it's time for the Bengals to step up.  A Pacman signing would probably do the trick.  Or maybe the Ravens might make their own run.  Historically, they have enjoyed a good stabbing-plus-cover-up as much as the next team.

And don't overlook the Colts, I mean, it turned out Marvin Harrison was basically a real life Marlo Stanfield.  Remember, it's not just the number of infractions, it's the weight of the charges.  And, you know, having a witness murdered I'd say beats a decade of DUIs hands down.

Regardless, it seems the AFC North dominates this shit.

If You See This Thing at the Game, Punch It

Who wears short shorts? Stillers fans!

Guy?

Girl?

Irrelevant!

Look Out Himes...

...after he's done breaking your jaw, he's coming for your girl:

(h/t to reader Michael "Woolshin" Woloshin)

Bengals do it again! Snatching stupidity from obvious intelligence!

The signs that you are a probably Bengals fan are similar to the signs that it is probably time for a new job (a la CareerBuilder)...

CareerBuilder's signs 
1) If you hate going to work every day
2) You're co-workers don't respect you
3) You always wish you were somewhere else
4) You cry constantly
5) You daydream of punching small animals
6) You sit next to "this guy" (annoying laugh, in a speedo, picking his toes, and you wish he were dead)
 
Bengals fan signs
1) If you hate hearing the latest Bengals news every day (because it'll just piss you off)
2) You're team's owners don't respect you
3) You always wish the Bengals did something intelligent
4) You cry constantly
5) You daydream of punching small animals
6) You sit near "this guy" (30-year-old suit, moron, doesn't give interviews, and you wish he were dead)

The Bengals have decided to use their franchise tag on kicker (who can't reach the endzone on kickoffs or hit a field goal over 50 yards) Shayne Graham.

Just For Fun

In Super Bowl XL, Big Fat Ben had the worst QB rating of any winning Super Bowl quarterback.  His line:

9 for 21, 123 yards
2 interceptions
22.6 QB rating

Don't choke, Ben!

Of course, he also converted 8 third down plays including an important 3rd and 28 heave.  This confirms my theory that Ben's talents lie more in his playground like ability to make just enough plays when it matters (defense takes care of the rest) rather than him actually being a polished QB.   And people love that about him.  And they should.  I just wonder if we'd hear how great the guy is if spent his career, in say, San Francisco instead of Pittsburgh.

Disgusting.

Hey Steelers kids.  You suck at your instruments.  You sound like crap.  You're ugly.  You're stupid.  And you will grow up to have a crippling drug addiction, no friends, and a family that disowns you.

Oh.  And your lyrics are uninspired too.

Someone just fast track these miserable little runts to the involuntary euthanasia program.  Or a child labor camp.  Now.

The Steelers nightmare has no end.

Bill Cowher's Racist Psychotic Chin Must Be Stopped

Back when Bill Cowher retired there was a little known story about the hiring process that followed his wake. His Chin was a part of the exploratory committee to find their next coach, and while the rest of this committee was all for Mike Tomlin after his sterling interview and vision for the Steelers, the Chin had some strong reservations. Most notably, that Tomlin was black. Not only that, but to quote the Chin, "Not only is he black, but he also wouldn't apologize to me for being black."

This of course though was no shock to the Rooney family. They had held back Cowher's backward thinking Chin on many occasions from inciting some sort of racial eruption. The first time they realized the Chin was an uncontrollable racist was when Himes dropped a crucial pass against the Bengals in one of his first seasons. The Chin struck Himes in the throat (Very commendable by the Chin) while Himes was sitting on the bench and told him to go back to dragging rickshaws (Not so commendable, should stick to the throat striking) like the rest of his family.

The second time it happened Greg Loyd and the Chin came to blows in the locker room after they lost in the Super Bowl. Everyone then knew that the Chin would need some counseling. Dick Lebeau stepped in at that point and begain reading the Chin racially harmonious bedtime stories like the flaming grandfatherly fool that he is.

But apparently the counseling has worn off because now there are reports coming from Tampa that the Chin is on the loose and will stop at nothing until Mike Tomlin learns to respect his betters. It was spotted at Joe's Crab Shack last night, where reports from several witnesses say that the Chin harrassed an old black couple trying to enjoy their meal before making a lewd unprovoked comment to a young black waitress.

On an unrelated but nonetheless intriguing note the Chin was strongly in favor of hiring Whisenhunt as the next HC.

This Long Nightmare Of A Season Is Not Going To End Well

As if this season hasn't been unsavory enough with the whole 0 and whatever streak the Bengals started with and the unwatchable offense and general lack of caring from the Bengals organization to the plight of their fans, the playoffs have offered only a big middle finger to Cincinnatians.

Let's see, what is the only thing that could possibly rival my angst about the NFL and the Bengals being the symbolic meth head of the league? If you ventured a guess that involved the shining pile of crap that is the Steelers, then you sir, or madam, are correct.

It is so very deflating to watch Pittsburgh's inevitable run towards a title that I have started to openly root for very bad things to happen to Steelers players, fans and the city in general. I think if there was ever going to be a fun time to have a plague lay waste to a city anywhere in the world, right now, in Pittsburgh, would be as good a time as ever. Just Kidding. Not really though.  

I guess I'm just going to have to put my faith+1 in the hands of God's avenging angel Kurt Warner to smite Himes and Roethslinger and that whole F'ing bandwagon fanbase. 

Enemies of the Revolution: Bill Cowher Conspiracy Confirmed

Just when I think we have a chance of success fighting the agents of status quo, I read something like Comrade Buck's post on the season ticket renewal letter and I realize the anti-Bengals forces possess a reach far greater than I could have imagined.  I kidded reader Ben from Chicago a little for suspecting conspiracy about Cowher's statement on a pregame show that the Bengals would make the playoffs, Ben said:

Maybe Cowher has read up on the revolution and wishes to counteract it by heaping undeserved praise upon Mike Brown's Bengals, causing some of our fans who you all had started to win over to scratch their heads and think "Hmm… Bill Cowher HATES the Bengals, but he thinks we're gonna be GOOD next year! Maybe those WDR guys don't really know what they're talking about… I better be sure to renew my season tickets, and while I'm doing that I can also pick up Benson and Henry jerseys for all the nieces and nephews!"

A clever and amusing theory, I thought at the time, and a good enough excuse to officially label Cowher as Enemy Number 1 (as if any excuse was really needed).  But then witness Jeff Berding using that very Cowher statement as the main ploy to get Club seat owners to renew in his letter:

This past weekend, former Steelers Head Coach Bill Cowher spoke to this optimism in his commentary on NFL Today prior to the Playoff games:  "Next season watch out for the Cincinnati Bengals.  I am picking them to make it to the playoffs next season."

It would be unbelievable if it wasn't so expected.  Like the opposite of too good to be true...it's so awful it has to be true.  In fact, that sums up most things about the Bengals:  so awful it has to be true.

You. I Want You.

Himes Ward has been warned by a number of people around the NFL to watch his back. And he has taken those threats in stride. But never has he been threatened by something that could seperate his taint tickler of a head from the rest of his body.

TJ's death braid has guaranteed to remove Himes from this world in most beautiful fashion.

"If I get within 10 yards of him Thursday night it's going to be lights out," The Death Braid said while lifting a couple 10 pound barbells and lightly smoking on a black and mild. "That happy go lucky fool is going to find that the end of the rainbow is a dark lonely place."