With the Bengals 2nd playoff game of the Mike Brown Dark Age only 49 odd hours away, we at WhoDeyRev thought we should bring in our expert prognosticator to tell us what's going to happen on Saturday. Ladies and Gentlemen, we present to you.....
Bill Cowher's Racist Psychotic Chin (Uproarious applause)
Racist Chin: You already gave my appearance fee to my agent right?
WDR: He's backstage counting your Deja Vu Backroom Bills as we speak.
RC: Good, alright. What game is this? Oh yeah, Bengals Jets. These two teams are pretty evenly matched. Rex Ryan is far and away a better Head Coach than Marvin Lewis. Look at ole Rex. He oozes guts and charisma and a certain fried bologna scent. Where as the only thing Marvin gives off is P Diddy's newest cologne. I'm pretty sure it's called Arraignment, or Prisonescence.
But then when you look at the two team's QB's you have the world's tallest Mexican versus Carson Palmer. If I chose to have a kid instead of just Chin stomping all my ladies right in the belly right after they chinned me off, I would hope the kid would grow up to be Carson Palmer. He is all that is good with the QB position. White, limited mobility. He has everything. So the head coaching goes with the Jets but the QB'ing goes with the Bengals. So far it's a toss up.
WDR: There are plenty of tall Latinos, take Lorenzo Lamas for exam....
RC: I will light you on fire if you talk to me again. Anyway, at RB the Bengals have one of America's favorite players, Brian Leonard. I have never seen a quicker, more nimble, ninja like athlete between 0 and 10 yards. It's like he can shapeshift into a wild animal for short bursts. How do you tackle a wolf? If you're not me that is. Because everyone knows I will crush a wolf's windpipe with one quick thrust of my body. The Jets have a couple fast gangbangers but no one that can really compete with Leonard when it comes to what matters most in the NFL...snow camouflage.
WDR: We think talent is a little more important than being invisible in the snow.
RC: (Takes zippo out. Flips it open. Lights it. Places it on table still lit.)
WDR: (Scoots chair back several feet.)
RC: Like I was saying, I love it when it snows. Smart players have an even bigger advantage than usual. And we all know that 80% of the league is from Florida, and they sure as hell don't like the snow. They stick out like sore sooty thumbs.
Anyway, I think the Bengals win this in a close one. And Mike Brown finally gets validation for his sociopathic methods. The man is misunderstood. God do I admire him. Except for his predilection towards giving certain players second chances when all they really deserve is a life on the streets to toughen them up, he is a beacon of sunshine when it comes to demoralizing massive amounts of people with his spendthrift whimsy.
WDR: Thanks for stopping by.
Generally, I tend to hate this kind of KSK-inspired tomfoolery - it's certainly got its place, but I don't feel like that place is here on a site that's looking for legitimate change from the Bengals organization.
That said, it seems like you've finally figured out how to do this type of humor. The racism is actually subtle in places and out-and-out blatant in others, which gives it a little more nuance and makes it funnier. Also, using phrases like "spendthrift whimsy" (not at all out of place in a Haymakers post) combined with "quicker, more nimble, ninja like athlete between 0 and 10 yards. It's like he can shapeshift into a wild animal for short bursts. How do you tackle a wolf?" (which could fit nicely on Real Ultimate Power or a similar website) really makes for a nice contrast that made me chuckle.
Posted by: Wyatt | January 08, 2010 at 06:33 AM
I agree Wyatt. This is the first time i've ready a Cowher's Racist Chin post and enjoyed it. Usually they spend so much time on being racy that they completely over shoot the comedy platform, but they nailed it this time.
Posted by: Nacho | January 08, 2010 at 07:50 AM
*first time i've read... not "first time i've ready"
Posted by: Nacho | January 08, 2010 at 07:51 AM