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Who Dey Revolution Manifesto

  • Preamble

    IN THIS TIME of perpetual Cincinnati Bengals incompetence and futility, with zero playoff wins in the nineteen seasons since the WhoDeyRevolution Godfather, Paul Brown, passed away in 1991 and handed the team to his fortunate son, the Despot, Mike Brown;

    Introduction

    WE, the members of the Who Dey Revolution, in our fervent dedication to the Cincinnati Bengals and fanatical desire to transform our hometown team into perpetual Super Bowl contenders, call for a popular revolution of fans to demand comprehensive reform to the managerial decisions and approach of Cincinnati Bengals ownership, management, staff and players, and hereby call for the adoption of the following Who Dey Revolution Manifesto:

    Manifesto Demands

    THAT the Mike Brown, Katie Blackburn, Marvin Lewis, along with every other member of the Bengals management, staff and personnel, state publicly to all Bengals fans, “I will do everything in my power to help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl;”

    THAT Mike Brown will hire a general manager, drastically expand the scouting department and relinquish all control of player personnel;

    THAT all training, rehabilitation and medical facilities are considered best-in-class compared to other NFL teams;

    THAT the management fill the team only with players who fit the system, both mentally and physically, and are not reluctant to makes changes to player personnel when needed, regardless of cost or loyalty concerns;

    THAT offensive and defensive line depth is considered the top priority for all player personnel decisions;

    THAT all decisions made by ownership, management, staff and players, both on and off the field, are judged only by this criterion: “Does this help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl?”

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December 01, 2009

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Bob Bratkowski hates Burger King, because The King refused to give it to him "his way."

Bobby B, were he to run into me on the street, would probably only offer a head-nod in exchange for my head-nod because we aren't formally acquainted. Burn! Totally getting the hang of this.

Ok, one more try in a similar scenario. I saw Bob B. waiting for the "walk" sign at a crosswalk the other day, and as soon as he got the sign he burst into a furious run, and at the halfway point across the road he stopped on a dime and strolled lesiurely across the road to the sidewalk. I, watching incredulously from the sidewalk, stated to him: "But Bob, what a strange approach to crossing the street--my only question is why, why on earth would you cross thusly?" Bob B. walked up to me, cooly looked in the other direction and, after spitting through his front teeth with conviction and putting a surprisingly small, flaccid hand on my welcoming shoulder, uttered a retort which to this day remains indelibly etched in my prefrontal cortex. He said: "son, I establish the run whenever and wherever the fuck I want." Legend, I say.

Wait, that one wasn't in keeping with the them. Here's one: Bob B. loves babies, but toddlers annoy the sh**t out of him. I mean, seriously, that guy will punch the 2-4's in the skull without the least compunction.

I hate Charlie Weis. I would be elated if Charlie Weis became the bengals O coordinator. Thats how much I hate, who my brother and i like to call, professor bratkowski.

Bob Bratkowski thinks calling a shovel pass on 3rd and short is creative.

Hire Charlie Weis Hire Charlie Weis Hire Charlie Weis Keep Mike Zimmer Keep Mike Zimmer Keep Mike Zimmer

Bob Bratkowski thinks handing it to your full back is how you step on the throat and finish off a team.

Bob B. uses a terrible towel for his cum rag, which sits next to his two-page playbook. What's wrong with that? He washes it.

The only thing worse than Bob B's calls on third down is when they involve #11

vince and CurseofBoJackson,

Jabba the Weis is the last person the Bengals need roaming their sideline and/or press box. Zimmer's going to get snapped up this year, the Bengals are going to return to mediocrity next year, and Weis would end up the head coach after the season. Is that really what you want? I think we can do bad all by ourselves, thanks.

Fortunately, it's not going to be even remotely considered by the Bengals' front office because Weis would single-handedly double the food budget at Georgetown College and Mikey Boy can't have that. Plus, Denny's isn't an all-you-can-eat joint.

As for the Bratkowski hate?

Bob Bratkowski can only manage a 17 points against the worst defense in the NFL in spite of having 2 of the 3 top Heisman votegetters, both offensive skill position players, from the 2002 season.


Bob Bratkowski is angry.

He is angry that his playbook was stolen from, in order to make a PepsiMAX commercial with the Dallas Cowboys, and that they misrepresented one of his audibles during a play-huddle...

...he is also angry for the text running across the bottom of the screen, which reads, "...THIS IS FROM BRAT'S PLAYBOOK..."

Shunning things like caffeine and ginseng altogether, BobB prefers to keep a Stanley flask at the ready filled with borscht and pureed turkey


Bob's no-huddle offense consists of pretending to huddle, then with BobB standing on the sidelines, holding up a posterboard in front of his Motorola headset (to prevent any unsolicited endorsement, but really because Motorola said they would kick his ass),

which contains his entire offense: one play, with a True/False multiple choice at the bottom, which somehow also includes answer/option "B", because, in BobB's words, he 'just like[s] the letter "B" for some reason', and because 'most people choose answer B'

During the game, while holding up said posterboard with one hand, BobB inexplicably (or not so) points at the opponent's endzone with his other arm

bobby's mamma is so fat, she makes weiss look bolemic!

Bob Bratkowski has his Coke smile-free.
Bob Bratkowski pushes strollers down stairwells.
Bob Bratkowski uses Jim Tressel's playbook (this one might be true).
Bob Bratkowski is bad at coaching football.
Bob Bratkowski sneaks into your house late at night and drinks milk straight from your jug.
Bob Bratkowski prefers Gold Star over Skyline, and Kroger Ice Cream over Graeter's.
Bob Bratkowski does not wanna Fanta.
Bob Bratkowski voted for Ahmedinejad.
Bob Bratkowski sneers at small children at the store to make them cry.


BobB insists that he's 'thought things through',

and that he's 'planned for that'


BobB threatened Carson Palmer that if he so much as fades in the pocket and pump-fakes, then BobB will bolt from the sidelines and 'Tackle your Trojan-ass myself'

Bob Bratkowski gets a boner when told the Bengals won time of possession.

Wyatt. Without being a smartass, why would you not want to Hire Weis?

Please clarify and explain.

Brat scored a 404 on his SAT.

In high school, Brat's student counselor told him, "Brat, most of these kids here don't have a clue. You don't even suspect anything!"

Brat uses crayons to draw up his playbook.

If Brat was fired, the fans would be so happy they'd have to sit on their hands to keep from waving at everybody.

LoadedPalmer,

I thought I was pretty clear but here goes:

A) I hate the New England Patriots worse than even the Steelers, so I naturally dislike anyone associated with Bill Belichik's coaching tree. This predates his employment with New England and dates back to his days as Browns coach.

B) I hate Notre Dame and the inherent hypocrisy that their football team entails. I suppose you could extend that to a deep-seated hatred of the hypocrisy that comes part and parcel with the Catholic faith. Please explain to me how pro-life, anti-gay Catholics all still manage to be Democrats. Also, I'm six months away from my 30th birthday and I can count the number of African-American Catholics I've met/seen on one hand, so how are they able to recruit a team that's largely African-American year in and year out? (No racism, as I have black family members that I'm both very close to and very fond of - just railing against their holier-than-thou attitude when they very clearly aren't as above-board as they paint themselves.)

C) Charlie Weis is so fat he has his own gravitational pull.

Even still, throwing out those three reasons (which I'll admit aren't very sound and are deeply personal), my biggest concerns with potentially hiring Weis as OC are as follows:

1) Weis is a very very good coordinator and did an amazing job turning a turd from TheM into one of the better quarterbacks in the league (although he's nowhere near "God's Gift to Football" as most of the sports media would have you believe). In spite of this, Weis is a pass-first coordinator, and, as the Bengals' 6-0 AFCN record indicates this season, that's not how you win the division. Granted, running the ball up the gut eleventy billion times a game isn't the way to win anything OUTSIDE of the AFC North, but replacing the devil we know (Brat) with the devil we don't (Jabba) doesn't necessarily guarantee success. I'd argue that Romeo Crennel was a larger factor in the Patriots' success in the first half of this decade than Jabba, but I've always preferred defense to offense since the first time I put on pads at the tender age of 8.

2) Mike Zimmer, regardless of what we the fans want or we the Revolution do, is going to be someone's head coach next year (failing that, he'll be a much better paid DC/Assistant Head Coach). I'm as big a Marvin Lewis fan as the next Bengals diehard, but without Zimmer, I see the defense relapsing to its pre-2008 levels. If that happens, no offensive coordinator in the world is going to keep the Bengals in the second seed in the AFC through 11 weeks of the season.

3) If the aforementioned scenario plays out, Marvin loses his job at the end of next season, and that puts Weis squarely in the driver's seat for the HC job (logic being that MBB isn't going to sign Weis to a one-year deal, so he'll already be under contract, thus it's cheaper to give him a raise than go out and get a brand-new coach). Look at what Weis has done at Notre Dame and tell me that's what you want for the Bengals.

Now, LoadedPalmer, let me put it to you in reverse: Why, praytell, would you want to hire Weis?

Bob Bratkowski hates old people, children, and dogs.

//tin cupped.

Not a fan of 'The Brat' by any means, but this is just stupid.

Wyatt.

I never mentioned that the Bengals SHOULD hire Weis.

I think he will be a great OC again, just not for the Bengals. He needs to go somewhere with a promising young team that needs quarterback development w/ a west coast offense. That's why he fit in so well with the PATS.

As for the other stuff... You may want to talk to someone about some of your issues. You went from 0 - 60 in under 2 seconds. Get it worked out for your own benefit big guy.

Other than that, you had some great insight.

Cheers

Sly V's articles make me want to punch babies.

LoadedPalmer,

Don't take what I said at the beginning of my post too seriously. Anytime someone says "without being a smartass...", my first instinct is to be a smartass. No offense meant, and I hope none was taken. Although I will admit to disliking the Pats more than the Steelers, disliking the hypocrisy of the Catholic faith and Notre Dame, and believing that Charlie Weis should have a couple of moons orbiting around him. I don't necessarily see where that makes me a bad person.


BobB loves Burger King so much, that he modeled his playbook after King's facial expressions

Bob Bratkowski once told a Mexican to shove a Taco up their ass


That makes me like him,
as a Taco Bell drive thru attendant,
but not as a Bengals' offensive coordinator


Bob Bratkowski once told me he was
'going to have them run the ball'

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    Bengals Futility - By The Numbers

    • 20 - Years since the Bengals have won a playoff game

      0 - Total number of playoff wins in Mike Brown's tenure as owner

      .359 - Bengals regular season winning percentage since Mike Brown took over as owner (115-206-1 in 20 seasons)

      29-34-1 - Record since 2005 playoff game vs Steelers

      6 - Seasons the Bengals have lost their first six games since 1991. No other team has more than two.

      0 - Teams North of Cincinnati without an indoor practice facility

      10 - Players arrested in a 14 month span from 2005-2006

      32 - Mike Brown's ranking, out of 32, of the "Best Owners in the NFL" by Michael Silver of Sports Illustrated in 2007

      458,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, that Hamilton County Taxpayers paid to build PBS

      2032 - Year that Hamilton County will have finally paid off its debt on the stadium deal

      3 - Total number of non-clerical employees employed in the Bengals scouting department, lowest in the league

      747,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, paid in free agency by the Bengals from 1994 - 2005, second worst of all 28 teams in existence for the duration, behind only Arizona

      118 – Ranking, out of 118 professional teams, of the “Worst Franchises” in professional sports, as ranked by ESPN the Magazine in 2003.

      97 – Ranking, out of 98 general managers in all four major sports with three or more years of experience, of Mike Brown’s performance as a GM, as ranked by Forbes in 2007.

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