I admit that I would probably would not have written this post if the Bengals won this weekend. But given the fact that they lost, and that Shayne was one of the many reasons they lost today, I could not hold back.
What you see to the left is a customer loyalty card from my favorite establishment in Madeira. What you see next to that is, kid you not, a two day old autograph from WDR's favorite soccer player.
The story goes as such:
I found myself shipping a package at FedEx a couple days ago, right next to Kicker Red. When he went to leave the store I could not help but ask for his autograph. The kicker of this whole situation (see what I did there?) was the fact that the only piece of paper I had was this Coffee Please loyalty card for him to sign. The truth is, it was an awkward situation that was enhanced by my asking of questions such as " uh excuse me, are you Shayne Graham?" and "can I have your signatu.. I mean autograph?"
But that's not the point. The point is that right now I am stuck. I don't know whether to fulfill my card and enjoy a delicious beverage of my choice, free of charge, or to hang on to this autograph that just pisses me off every time I look at it. Choice number one sounds like a winner to me right now. But what would you do, loyal reader, if you had the same dilemma? I need some help here...
Your question, in light of your story, is funny as hell, and I cannot even begin to answer it at the moment...
Posted by: Hofbraunow | November 22, 2009 at 11:33 PM
COFFEE PLEASE is a nice way of saying...COFFEE PLEASE
Posted by: Hofbraunow | November 22, 2009 at 11:35 PM
Get yer coffee. It's worth more than the Ginger kid's autograph.
Posted by: Airjawa | November 22, 2009 at 11:41 PM
Get your latte. Shayne Graham will probably end up kicking for another team. Hopefully he won't get better like the last guy did when he went to Arizona.
Posted by: FeedMikeBrownToAquaBengal | November 22, 2009 at 11:46 PM
get your coffee he is a F#&%ING KICKER
Posted by: disgruntled tiger | November 22, 2009 at 11:47 PM
Make sure there isn't a disclaimer posted somewhere at the shop --- or, in fine print on the card --- that says
"Void if signed by the Ginger Kid, yeah *that* Ginger Kid"
Posted by: Hofbraunow | November 22, 2009 at 11:56 PM
Cash it in...
I was ready to slap him like a redheaded stepchild today....
Posted by: GregC78&69 | November 23, 2009 at 12:05 AM
Tape it to a feminine napkin, and kiss that cup of coffee goodbye (notice I didn't say to kiss the actual card), because that cup of coffee can STAY FREE
Posted by: Hofbraunow | November 23, 2009 at 12:05 AM
Or better yet go get Bratkowski's and Mike Brown's autograph on the same piece of paper and then set the thing afire with a flame thrower. That would do you some good. We'd like to see the video on YouTUBE.
Posted by: FeedMikeBrownToAquaBengal | November 23, 2009 at 12:23 AM
You may as well get Jeremi "Butterfingers in Food and Finger Form" Johnson because his fumble was probably the bigger thing to happen out of all of this.
Posted by: Andy | November 23, 2009 at 01:20 AM
I offer that Mike Brown paid his own players to throw the game,
1. because he is mad at us
(and by "us" I mean the WDR, precisely, because we are critical, conscious, and not the mindless sheep who buy his unsatisfactory product) and
2. out of sympathy for the devil that is Al Davis.
Really, who wins in the battle of the worst owners?
Not the fans, I say.
Posted by: Hofbraunow | November 23, 2009 at 01:52 AM
BURN IT!!!
Posted by: Jun | November 23, 2009 at 04:27 AM
I have to agree with Jun. It'd probably be best if you shredded the card and just paid for your coffee.
Rich
Posted by: Rich | November 23, 2009 at 08:10 AM
I would at least get the rest of the coffees that it takes to fill the card up, then make the decision based on what the Ginger Kid does between now and then.
Alternately, see if they'll give you a new card with the same amount of coffees filled out on the condition that you torch the one with Graham's signature on it. Not likely, but if there's a diehard Bengals fan working that day, you might get lucky.
Posted by: Wyatt | November 23, 2009 at 09:02 AM
I say cash in the card. Maybe later with some luck you'll have an opportunity to get Graham, Jeremi Johnson and Andre Caldwell to sign an Oakland Raiders helmet for you or something.
Posted by: Ben | November 23, 2009 at 09:49 AM
Damn, I love Coffee Please.
Posted by: Comrade 78 | November 23, 2009 at 10:31 AM
If you destroy it, Shayney might start whining to all his Facebook "friends" about how he gets no respect...again.
Posted by: K | November 23, 2009 at 10:34 AM
I was at the game in the front row on the 50. Fucking awful. 14-0 thinking comfortable rout, then Bob puts his toys away. Isn't the O coordinators job to find weaknesses in the defense and attack them? I guess the only perceived weakness was on the raiders front 7 which is why we stopped trying to score for 2 and a half quarters and our plan was basically to run out the clock.
Nothing worse than getting an earful from Raider fans.
1) Are we not going to attempt any long passes because Chris Henry is hurt?
2) Why are we the only team out of 32 that has no threat of using a tight end to catch a football. This is bull shit!
3) Jeremi Johnson should not be allowed to attempt to run or catch the ball. We all know he can't do either.
4) The piss poor kicking game has cost us dearly. Can we still blame St. Louis?
5) 40 runs with your number 1 guy hurt, 22 passes. What the FUCK!
6) This game felt like Tampa in 2006. And I was at that one too. Fucking Gradkowski.
7) They actually touched the QB 1 time. That was when he threw the pick. No pressure, no blitzes, no win.
8) Dude there's a lot of seagulls in Oakland. They dropped more bombs on my car than Carson dropped on the Raiders.
9) Did Marvin say we'll be fine yet?
10) I watched Whitworth walking into the tunnel with his arm around a raider laughing and joking it up. Really Pissed me off.
Anyway.............
Why do the Browns and Lions and chiefs scare me now?
Interesting note though. Before the game Al Davis arrived in his Limo and rolled into the stadium with the assistance of a walker. I was 10 feet from him and so were a number of Raider fans. They were really giving Al some shit. "We need a plan AL" Mr. Davis stopped and answered all of them like an ordinary Raider fan. He said "You want my Plan? We've got 7 games left and we're going to try to win every God Damn one of them!"
Many Raider fans don't like Mr. Davis but I was impressed at the access that he gave them. It took him about 25 minutes to get from his limo and roll into the stadium but he stopped and spoke with every fan and answered every question, even the not so nice ones. He acted like he owed these people something.
Posted by: J M | November 23, 2009 at 11:13 AM
Choice number three: realize that you are no longer ten years old, and leave sports figures alone when you see them in public.
Choice number four: if for some reason you still must ask someone for an autograph, don't scan the autograph that he was nice enough to give you and use it to mock him on your blog.
Posted by: top6 | November 23, 2009 at 11:16 AM
@J M: Mr Davis owes his fans a much nicer stadium and gameday experience, for example. Like the one he could have in Los Angeles. The Oakland Coliseum is a pathetic joke. Birds are literally pooping all over people in the upper deck. The half-empty stadium still has the largest proportion of loudmouths bragging about "our" three super bowl wins, who are always a threat to knife someone. No place else I've ever been has so many signs and announcements reminding people not to behave like psychopaths. Meanwhile over the loudspeakers blares ancient heavy metal music that was popular before most of the current Raiders were born, and I'm sorry but "Hells Bells" doesn't have anything to do with Pirates.
After the game to get to BART you have 30,000 people filing through a single path to catch their train, with scenic views of toxic waste on either side, and vendors hawking $5 skull-n-bones t-shirts that feature, among other designs, a skeleton-hand with middle finger extended and the words "f-ck Raider haters". Real nice family outing, huh?
Posted by: FeedMikeBrownToAquaBengal | November 23, 2009 at 12:30 PM
I'd just try to use the card for the coffee. But my guess is that you'll first have troubles getting it physically handed over to the barista. It'll probably go flying over the their head. After being picked up, trying to put it into the cash register will result in it missing and falling between the crack in counter and the espresso machine. Where it will remain until the second wave of riots ensue and the place is torched.
Posted by: I think Shayn Graham asked you not to mock him | November 23, 2009 at 12:34 PM
@J M: And you're right on with the football observations. The Bengals D-Line wasn't a threat, and the Raiders picked up the blitz any time the Bengals bothered. Meanwhile Bratkowski called the game as if he was coaching Jerome Bettis at Notre Dame and the opponent was Indiana State. The Raiders blitzed a lot, and it worked a lot, and the Bengals didn't really adjust. The Patriots or Colts would crush the Raiders 49-3.
After watching the Bengals yesterday I am convinced they are pretenders. This should have been a blowout win, if you want to talk about winning playoff games this year.
The only hope for improvement on the field in 2009 continues to be the option of getting your shiny new Hippo Tackle #6 draft pick on the field, and maybe ending Chase Coffman's red-shirt year after 11 games. The Bengals yesterday were too small on offense to try that run-over-people style... I think they had about one dozen running plays that got 0 yards or less, but I haven't reviewed the stat sheet.
Posted by: FeedMikeBrownToAquaBengal | November 23, 2009 at 12:52 PM
the coffee at Coffee Please is great. The Bengals' kicking game is not. Go for the tasty beverage.
Posted by: Eric | November 23, 2009 at 04:40 PM
Get the hot coffee... find Bob the Brat and throw it in his face. I blame him for the loss, not Shane.
Posted by: Jefe | November 25, 2009 at 11:15 AM