We have all seen the enjoyable photography of obese women depicting their appreciation toward the city they love and their affinity toward the mighty Pittsburgh Steelers. The bent over land-beast with Rothlesburger stapled to a yellow sailcloth being worn as a pair of underwear has put a smile on my face for years Who says a little cellulite is a turn off? Nothing a few lunges and the stair-master can't melt right off. Then there's the before picture of a Biggest Loser Campaign nominee sporting her XXL Steeler Football muumuu giving the guns that still makes me proud to be an American.
These depictions are but a glimpse into a town that certainly has more to offer than a couple of web sensations that have been sadly epitomized as symbols of a team that has won 6 Superbowls! I have searched long and hard (exactly 4 minutes and 49 seconds) to bring the good people of Cincinnati a glimpse into what it is to be a real fan of an empire the Bengals can only sniff to be compared to.
Pittsburgh is a complex society that bears no adherence to gender classifications that other societies use to distinguish themselves on the basis of reproductive roles. It does not pay any mind to the strict rules lesser societies attempt to promulgate to its citizens. Pittsburgh is a pioneer in a new world prospective regarding androgyny. This can also be supported below:
Take note of this inter-sexual specimen clearly attempting to rile the war cry of Steelers players and fans alike. Not since I laid eyes on Rachel Phelps' cardboard cutout in Major League have I seen such an inspirational piece of work. The split-ended 70s hair like Kevin Godley of 10CC, the used Walmart undergarments showing with clear view its mumblers, and the pride of the Steelers nation flying high behind her like the stars and bars being raised above Iwo Jima. Terrible Towel you say? I...think....not!
Gisele, Andriana Lima, and Heidi pale in comparison to the true Steelers Beauty! Notice the impish smiles of these close-clopsed gingers. Take note Shayne, because if a trade to the Steel City ever comes up: pack your bags and lucky charms and take that 28 foot bass boat up the Ohio River to where the real pot o' gold lies. Who says you can't be freakishly pale, pug nosed, with a muffin top and not be beautiful? Not this patriot!
1998 IBM Think Pad for fantasy- Check
Authentic Bettis Jersey - Check
Comfortable seating from Salvation Army - Yup
Pile of newspapers in the corner to scour the Wanted Ads - Check
Feeding my baby daughter with my disgustingly dirty and pale bare foot giving her an inevitable foot fetish for fat go-teed men - CHECK
I dare one man to comment on the sexual promiscuity of this harry man just because he has a spread eagle woman tramp stamp! I DARE YOU!
Yeah... I said man.
Some people have said that FAS is a myth. Since when can't a pregnant mother hammer back a fifth of Beefeater just to get a buzz before heading to a Steelers playoff game? The close-clopsed eyes, oversized head, premature balding at age 7, and small lipped half smile of this woman's Sloth-like son doesn't prove one...damn...thing! After all, its less likely this is alcohol induced.... More likely this has something directly to do with this child's uncle.
Cute family portrait though.
Oh..wait... bulging lip upturned in a smirk? Yeah.. I do... I do know what's up. Free hot wings at B-dubbs when you wear your Steelers swag. Yahtzee!
Dad: "Well son... You don't recognize it because it's dead. It doesn't exist in this world any longer."
Son: "Dad...what is it? Hope? Hope for the rest of this season?"
Dad: <pulling the Oakley blades from his forehead and over his eyes like Horatio Caine> "No son. That's dignity in that coffin...dignity."
Dear god... A bare chested five year old with a weighty painted beer belly, flowing mullet, hand-me-down jean shorts, replica Super Bowl pinkie ring, and terrible towel raised in salute of the Pittsburgh Steelers! This nearly brings a tear to my eye. Like the second coming of Terry Bradshaw this lad epitomizes all that is great and glorious in the Steel Nation!
Steelers Rock? No son... YOU Rock!
Bre...Bre...Bret Michaels? But, Bret...you're not from Dirtsburgh! You do not in any way belong here in my post! I mean...Poisen, Rock of Love, Pam Anderson, Every Rose Has It's Thorn... You don't belong in this critique of painfully obvious fans of the Stiller Nation!
Wait... Is that a Steelers cowboy hat? Mullet? Tirrible Towel? A double "Hook `em Horns" gang sign? Ooooohhh no no no.. You belong here. Yooouuuu belong here.