IN THIS TIME of perpetual Cincinnati Bengals incompetence and futility, with zero playoff wins in the nineteen seasons since the WhoDeyRevolution Godfather, Paul Brown, passed away in 1991 and handed the team to his fortunate son, the Despot, Mike Brown;
Introduction
WE, the members of the Who Dey Revolution, in our fervent dedication to the Cincinnati Bengals and fanatical desire to transform our hometown team into perpetual Super Bowl contenders, call for a popular revolution of fans to demand comprehensive reform to the managerial decisions and approach of Cincinnati Bengals ownership, management, staff and players, and hereby call for the adoption of the following Who Dey Revolution Manifesto:
Manifesto Demands
THAT the Mike Brown, Katie Blackburn, Marvin Lewis, along with every other member of the Bengals management, staff and personnel, state publicly to all Bengals fans, “I will do everything in my power to help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl;”
THAT Mike Brown will hire a general manager, drastically expand the scouting department and relinquish all control of player personnel;
THAT all training, rehabilitation and medical facilities are considered best-in-class compared to other NFL teams;
THAT the management fill the team only with players who fit the system, both mentally and physically, and are not reluctant to makes changes to player personnel when needed, regardless of cost or loyalty concerns;
THAT offensive and defensive line depth is considered the top priority for all player personnel decisions;
THAT all decisions made by ownership, management, staff and players, both on and off the field, are judged only by this criterion: “Does this help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl?”
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Is today going to be a trap game? Are we going to finish off Horse Balls' career? What quarter does Mangini fine shaun Rogers a million dollars for eating ice cream cake on the sidelines? Will Brady Quinn's sister** get caught banging on the jumbotron with someone from Piqua? Questions that will be answered today. On CBS!
*She's a handsome lad....y.
*Ain't no rush like stadium sex rush.
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20 - Years since the Bengals have won a playoff game
0 - Total number of playoff wins in Mike Brown's tenure as owner
.359 - Bengals regular season winning percentage since Mike Brown took over as owner (115-206-1 in 20 seasons)
29-34-1 - Record since 2005 playoff game vs Steelers
6 - Seasons the Bengals have lost their first six games since 1991. No other team has more than two.
0 - Teams North of Cincinnati without an indoor practice facility
10 - Players arrested in a 14 month span from 2005-2006
32 - Mike Brown's ranking, out of 32, of the "Best Owners in the NFL" by Michael Silver of Sports Illustrated in 2007
458,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, that Hamilton County Taxpayers paid to build PBS
2032 - Year that Hamilton County will have finally paid off its debt on the stadium deal
3 - Total number of non-clerical employees employed in the Bengals scouting department, lowest in the league
747,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, paid in free agency by the Bengals from 1994 - 2005, second worst of all 28 teams in existence for the duration, behind only Arizona
118 – Ranking, out of 118 professional teams, of the “Worst Franchises” in professional sports, as ranked by ESPN the Magazine in 2003.
97 – Ranking, out of 98 general managers in all four major sports with three or more years of experience, of Mike Brown’s performance as a GM, as ranked by Forbes in 2007.
So is the offense called "Carson and the Comeback Cardiac Kids" because all the fans nearly suffer heart attacks from watching them play?
Posted by: Who Dey Boston | October 04, 2009 at 05:04 PM
What a call by Brat on that 4th down! Oh, wait...
Posted by: BuzzKillington | October 04, 2009 at 05:07 PM
What does Piqua have to do with anything?
Posted by: Who Dey85 | October 04, 2009 at 05:10 PM
As a man over 300 lbs my heart isn't good to start with, I don't know if i'll be able to make it to the bye week if they keep finishing games like this.
Posted by: Nacho | October 04, 2009 at 06:52 PM
Piqua is in the Dayton region. So is Kettering, OH. Which is the hometown of A.J. Hawk. Who is the husband of Laura Hawk. Who is the sister of Brady Quinn. Which I'm pretty sure is the reference.
In other news, can we add "Fire Brad St. Louis" to the manifesto demands yet?
Posted by: Mockenrue | October 04, 2009 at 06:53 PM
Seconding the "Fire Brad St. Louis" motion.
Posted by: Andy | October 04, 2009 at 07:51 PM
Yup, this surely is the way to turn the Bengals into a 'perpetual Super Bowl contenders'!
Gott a love it.
I guess it is ok if I talk about bunions then... ...You know those ones that really hurt????
Posted by: WCH | October 04, 2009 at 08:48 PM
The offense was pathetic today. Ced Benson up the middle for 1 yard and a cloud of dust.
Against Baltimore this team would, the way they played today, get shut out.
Posted by: mikebrownstinks | October 04, 2009 at 09:12 PM
Why don't we have running plays with Jeremi Fatass as a blocking fullback? We might make two yards and a cloud of dirt then.
Posted by: Scott Ricketts | October 04, 2009 at 09:59 PM
STL is garbage. Considering the way we have played over the course of the first quarter of the season makes me optomistic of this teams potential. Good teams find ways to win. Its unfortunate that we tend to play to the level of the compition but im happy to be sitting at 3-1 going into baltimore playing a very good ravens team... in which i hope the respective statement stands true. Im trying so hard not to fall back in to my bengals "douchebagness" of high expections for this team.
Who Dey
STL deserves to have his face on urnal cakes
Posted by: drew | October 04, 2009 at 10:39 PM
I live in Piqua and I do not understand your reference? The only players to actually do something from Piqua is Matt Finkes (nfl bust), Quinn Pitcock (retired after 1 season) and Brandon Saine. Who is currently the best running back on OSU. Since AJ played with Quinn on the Buckeyes maybe he tapped that a*s!
Posted by: Chad | October 04, 2009 at 11:53 PM
Chad -
The reference was made randomly. There is nothing behind it.
Posted by: Sly Vramavomovich | October 05, 2009 at 12:07 AM