I'm never usually pumped up going into the Bengals season, but this year has all the droppings of magic that a team needs to achieve greatness. 1st Round Holdout? Check. Bratkowski? Check. Decimating Injuries? Checkmate.
The Bengals are going to go 17-2 this year. I love watching this team and all of their lovable idiosyncracies. Can't block for Carson, not problematic at all. Can't rush the passer? Doesn't matter because pass rushers don't win games, wide receivers do. You may say that the Bengals are all about style and not enough about substance, but at the end of the day, style is the one going home to rail the prom queen. And the Bengals are that prom queen. Style picked us to rail, and goddamnit, railed we shall get.
When I look at the schedule this is how I see it playing out.
The Broncos have turned a very loyal fanbase into one that wouldn't mind seeing its coach die an untimely death. Win.
The Packers aren't going to do anything with such a lackluster offense. I can't even name a receiver for them. Does Sterling Sharpe still play?
We OWN the Steelers. On a semi-related note, I would gladly watch an entire Final Destination movie where Hines Ward gets killed over and over in elaborate and grisly fashion.
The Browns? I wasn't aware they fielded a team this year. Didn't they relocate or something?
The Ravens are a mess. I just don't know what direction their front office wants to go in. They should emulate the Bengals clear cut vision for the future.
The Texans are like the little unwanted stepchild of professional sports in Texas.
The Bears barely deserve to be on the same field as the Bengals. They should have to play remotely from West Virginia.
The Raiders are just bad. Wow, I almost, keyword almost, feel sorry for them.
Vegas lists the Lions odds of going 0-16 again this year at 1-1.
The Vikings are going to be crippled by an old stubble bearded pill popping yokel telling everyone to get off his lawn.
The Chargers are going to beat us. I'm still reeling from the 2006 contest against them.
The Chefs, what a silly name for a team.
And finally, the Jets. By this time we'll be resting our starters for the playoffs so they may be able to hang with our ridiculously strong second team. This game's a toss up.
So if the Jets can beat our second team we'll be 14-2. And then the playoffs will be a breeze. Bratkowski has been waiting for a while to break out his second, completely different and better playbook (Although I don't know how you can possibly top the perfection that is his first playbook) for our three easy victories.
Ok buddy, gollie geez! This is a new year and all the players are excited to play and we should be too. They have bought in to Marvins plan and this after how many years is his team now, so chill out.
One player said yesterday so many players are new to the organization and thats a good thing cause continuity is overated anyway and there probably is at least a 6 month waiting list to be bengalized.
So, lets go buy some tickets and root for our hometeam to play because they're excited to put on a show each Sunday.
Next stop andrew whitworth dancing with the stars.
Posted by: kotw65 | September 09, 2009 at 10:31 AM
kotw65 ? Should have been Twat65 you sound like such bitch.
That article ruled, and was funny as shit. It's a pretty accurate description of how pathetic the Bengals fan base that buys into Mike Browns shit every year is.
Viva La Revolution!
Posted by: Tommy <3's Da Bengals | September 09, 2009 at 10:43 AM
That article sucked, how about some real predictions?
Right on about the twat telling people to buy tickets..... on this site no less, smart guy aren't ya?
Posted by: CurseofBoJackson | September 09, 2009 at 11:23 AM
your readers are pretty gull-i-bull if they thought the first dude was being serious. makes me wonder if you would know what to do with a twat if it splayed itself out in front of your face.
...i'm picking up your sarcasm...and you're really smart...this is a site where pissers and moaners go to drink their own piss, where we are...there are other sites for people who want real news about the team they root for regardless of the disappointing past, where real bengals fans are...90 mile-z away...the writing in these posts sucks...get yourself a new site.
can you get sick drinking piss?
-i think you can.
even if it's your own?
piss off, douchebags. bengals 9 to 11 wins this year. go drink piss about it.
Posted by: the big khahuna burger | September 09, 2009 at 12:02 PM
Big Khahuna - Do you ever get sick after Mike Brown takes his yearly dump on your chest?
Posted by: Double Trouble | September 09, 2009 at 12:07 PM
Now just who in the HELL would say that the Bengals are: "...all about style and not enough about substance..." My goodness I hope to all that's holy, that this is 'tongue in cheek' (note, if sarcam or tongue in cheek is being used, you want to get to the 'weenie' a lot faster because people will stop reading after a sentence or more -- just remember that).
If this is a real assessment -- well, to the author, go back to assessment school because you need more training.
The Bengals have no style with milque-toast head Mikey Boy Brown. Look at EVERYONE connected with this piss-poor organization -- they have no style at all. In any case, style also doesn't mean JACK! Ever notice the people with 'style' usually are the ones with no substance either?
As to the Bengals having substance -- the assessor was right (but didn't put it in the final form -- that they have NO substance). So now you have an organization without styoe or substance. How does that grab ya voters?
Posted by: WCH | September 09, 2009 at 12:41 PM
Ha ha Big Kahuna is a douche bag to the fullest. Do you think this is the only site that people who comment on here read? Let's have a "how well do you know your Bengals contest," then, after you've been humilated by a person with some realistic perspective about the long term success potential of this team given how it's run, you can go back to your kool-aid. I love this team more than you my friend, but it's a (piss) poorly run organization, so who's the one drinking the pee pee? You, and it's Mike and Katie Brownburn's.
Posted by: CurseofBoJackson | September 09, 2009 at 01:10 PM
Sort of off subject but.......
How many beers before you would start considering having sex with Katie? 12, 15?
Posted by: Tommy <3's Da Bengals | September 09, 2009 at 03:18 PM
I hate Sly.
Posted by: IHateSlyV | September 09, 2009 at 03:40 PM
At least 15..... Wow, I just typed that...
Posted by: CurseofBoJackson | September 09, 2009 at 04:58 PM
I say 4, remember she is rich and owns a football team. That is worth a lot to me.
Posted by: Theme-Creator | September 09, 2009 at 06:23 PM
Broncos : This is a must game for the Bengals. They got more personnel problems than we do, but they also have an owner who will see to it they get fixed. 1-0
The Packers in Greenbay? Enough said: 1-1
Steelers: The only hope is to catch them naping on superbowl hangover. 1-2
Browns: We will split with them. We usually do. 1-3
Ravens: Should be even better this year. 1-4
Texans: Much improved and no issues. They usually play better early in year too. 1-5
Bears: Strong D and offense is much improved. 1-6
Ravens: Bengals loose in Rout. Palmer knocked out for year. 1-7
Steelers: Embarrasing loss. 1-8
Raiders: When was the last time Bengals won on West Coast? They break the streak. 2-8
Browns: Bengals split the series. 3-8
Lions: The will be better this year (can't be worse) The will see this as thier chance at a win. I take Bengals (barely) 4-8
Vikings: They will be putting on push for playoffs. 4-9
Chargers: New West Coast losing streak starts. 4-10
Chiefs: Bengals have packed it in for year. This is a toss-up. 5-10
Jets: Bengals Pull off mircle win: 6-10 Mike Brown points to last two victories as eveidence we are turning the corner and will be competitive next year, again....
The Bronco game is key. If they loose that one at home it might only be a 4 win season.
Posted by: Theme-Creator | September 09, 2009 at 06:45 PM
Hmmm...it'd be easy enough for me to pull predictions out of my butt and say they're going to go 12-4, but until we see what actually happens, isn't this all just a waste of time? Further, even if the Bengals go 15-4 and bring the Lombardi to Cincinnati, does that really change the fact that Mike Brown is a terrible owner and a worse GM?
As for the whole Katie thing, I watched episodes 4 and 5 back-to-back tonight, and I had six beers down by the time I finished the second episode, and she was nowhere near being attractive.
Posted by: Wyatt Beougher | September 10, 2009 at 12:17 AM
Theme,
Your post is a real kick in the balls, because I can't argue with any of it.
Damn. I just wish they could win so badly!!
Posted by: Rich | September 10, 2009 at 07:57 PM
I would marry Katie....Then I would be in the family and have some say in how the team is run......Then My input would be for MFB to Shut the Fuck up and Hire a Fucking GM!!! Yes It is tru Comrades I would be willing to have horrible Sex with Katie for the rest of my life so that the Bengals have a chance to become a real NFL Team!!
Posted by: Josh "The New GM" Wagar | September 10, 2009 at 10:10 PM