Baghdad Hob: The Timeless Art Of Continuity

This Baghdad Hob piece was so chock full of crap that we at WhoDeyRev decided to give it another go. Plus, I think we can all agree that Word Championships aren't won in a single try.

DANA POINT, Calif. - When the AFC head coaches gather for their annual picture here Tuesday at the NFL spring meeting, the Bengals' Marvin Lewis can look around and see only three men in his first picture from 2003.

And just two of them, Tennessee's Jeff Fisher and New England's Bill Belichick, have coached more regular-season games.

Little known fact. The Bengals aren't gunning for a ring, they want that most regular season games with the same coach award to put in their shiny new virtual hall of fame.

Jacksonville's Jack Del Rio arrived with his old Ravens defensive coordinator in that '03 class, which also included Bill Parcells of Dallas, Steve Mariucci of Detroit, and Dennis Erickson of the 49ers.

None of them are going to be around for the NFC shot the next day.

I never would have known that Parcells, Mariucci and Erickson aren't around anymore if you hadn't dropped that little potshot in. But I get it. The crux of this whole article depends on you selling the continuity thing to the reader, so sell away Mr. Vaccuum Salesman Geoff Hobson.

"It just shows you the kind of profession this is," Lewis says. "Somebody was telling me that there were only six teams that had back-to-back winning seasons in the NFL this year. Jon Gruden told me that. That's an amazing stat."

Guess who had back to back losing seasons Marvin? You guys. What Marvin didn't say is that stat was sandwiched between Gruden telling a bunch of jokes about Mike Brown booking the Bengals contingent on a greyhound out to Cali.  

Gruden, fired this past year in Tampa Bay after seven seasons that included a Super Bowl title, is just one of the 63 head coaches (not counting interims) that have come, gone and is now here in 66 jobs since Lewis was hired. The count is 30 men for 33 jobs in the AFC since the '03 picture and Lewis has no plans to give out free advice as they sit for the picture.

Continuity talk, sweet. Everyone knows about the NFL coaching carousel.

"No, you learn on your own. I'm competing against those guys. Why should I help them?" asks Lewis and he's kidding.

But not much.

OOOOHHH, Baghdad Hob. You had me there with the pause. Maybe I'm wrong about you. I mean, not everyone's comedic timing is the stuff of legend.

Lewis has always been one to work the phones seeking counsel, but now there is a pretty good line on his call waiting. Not only have Del Rio and Ryan worked on a Lewis defensive staff, but so has second-year Falcons head coach Mike Smith and Lions rookie Jim Schwartz.

The Marvin Lewis coaching tree? Go on.  

At the combine Ryan, Smith and Schwartz called Lewis a mentor and said they've gone to him at times in their short tenures to bounce off ideas. All three felt one of Lewis' strengths is dealing with coaching staff issues.

Umm, that would be a lot more credible if Bratkowski had been fired after the first four games last year.

But how long will Ryan, Smith and Schwartz stay on this field of high casualties, where economics and sport collide in a high stakes game of chance?

It only took half of this very long article, but Baghdad Hob the Warrior Poet emerges to deliver us a spine tingling action sentence.

Lewis knows his long tenure gives him no spring break. It only sizzles the frying pan.

If you're scoring at home. Number of cliches: 2. Number of rational points: 0. Personification Use: 1. 

Segments of Bengaldom have branded his administration stale after back-to-back losing seasons, three straight years of missing the postseason after winning the 2005 AFC North championship, and no changes on a coaching staff following a year the Bengals finished last in offense for the first time in franchise history.

True. Watch out now Hob, you're dangerously close to talking some sense into you're readers. Let's veer wildly back into the spin zone before things get too real for us out here in Bengaldom.

Lewis's supporters, particularly his boss, point to a devastating spate of injuries in the past two seasons, ranging from Pro Bowl quarterback Carson Palmer's elbow last season to the career-ending injuries of high draft picks David Pollack and Kenny Irons.

Apparently in Mike Brown's world the Bengals are the only team that has ever had to deal with injuries. To be fair, when Bengals get hurt they stay hurt because of our medical staff is composed mostly of people that stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night. When Carson hurt his elbow, the head doctor told him to put some butter on it.

"The goals never change," Lewis says. "You want to make the playoffs and win the world championship."

Play it cool Marvin. You had Hob change it to World Championship because you don't want any to know your secret objective. That word championship is going to look good in the virtual hall of fame.

The debate rages: Continuity or what-have you-done-for-me-lately in what has turned into a high-wire technocracy?

The debate is more along the lines of are his hands tied or is he strait jacketed by Mikey Boy?

Bengals president Mike Brown has always insisted on continuity and is a big believer that change for change sake does more harm than good. He grimaces at the coaching turnover.

He's grimacing because all of the free muffins at the continental breakfast are getting eaten while Hob asks him questions.

No, he doesn't like to pay unemployed coaches. But he's also patient for a reason. He and his father stuck with Sam Wyche after a 4-11 season in 1987 marked Wyche's fourth straight season without a playoff berth and the club was rewarded with two division titles in the next three years.

An admission of truth. You better watch yourself Hob. First the continental breakfast thing now this. Yeah, I think you forgot to mention that Paul was still in charge during that time period. As soon as Mikey Boy took over Wyche was canned and replaced by the legendary Dave Shula. Anyway the rest of this article is really long and boring so I'll leave you the same way Hob does. With this beautiful turn of phrase. 

One picture is worth, it seems, a thousand jobs.

Tears.

Comments

[Leo deTrotskyo]

Continuity, like consistency, is over-rated. Take golf, for instance. Every golfer says they strive to be "more consistent". My golf game is very consistent, but I'm not happy about it because it consistently sucks. Perhaps I should wear orange when I play, particularly on Fall Sunday afternoons.

And thanks, Sly, for reminding us that Sam's two division titles in three years was not deemed worthy of "continuity" by MB.

[TigerJ@w]

i love that every time Hobjob or Mike Brown wants to make a so called point, they bring up the 80s, um, how long ago was this? If anyone is bouncing off suggestions or recommendations to ML in becoming a better HC than they are not going to be a HC for very much longer. You want advice from a HC who has 1 winning season out of 6? Amazing how Miami cleaned house and made the playoffs. Man, I am sure that continuity went over well down there. Yea, continuity worked well with our defense too with BrezDUHan at the helm, eh, Mikey Boy and ML! These guys are IDIOTS! What will be the excuse when they lose without hardly any injuries? Um, haven't we all ready lost with little injuries over the past 6 years?

[BengalAnthony13]

I actually live 5 minutes away from the hotel that the owners are at. My brother and I are going in there tomorrow night and we'll prison shank Mike Brown if we see him.

[ItmightbeJB]

Obviously the reason we see Hob parroting the family line is that he's a family employee. I much prefer reading someone who isn't sitting on MikeyBoy's lap with a hand up his back, like most of the Enquirer sports writers. Can you imagine a group of real sportswriters getting together for a few drinks even inviting Hob to join them? I can't.

But, having said all that it's still entertaining watching Hob spin these stories. He really should be running the teleprompter for worshipful leader.

[Brian]

this makes me wanna barf.

[whymikeywhy]

TigerJ@w, good call on Bresnahan. I know I saw sometime after the '07 season (I think it was in a letter MB sent in response to a Bengals fan) that MB blamed all of that season's failure on injuries at RB and linebacker. Of course, he made this comment right after Bresnahan AND THE LINEBACKERS COACH were fired. I think they were fired just 2 weeks before his comments. Absurd.

[342 Willy]

this is truly some funny shit i check this site daily and encourage other Bengals douches to do so also.... Also Hockey is pretty cool and the Columbus Blue Jackets might just make it to the playoffs. they have good ownership and shown a commitment to winning by hiring new coaches and a new Gm and drafting to fit the system and they have more scouts than they can fit in the program pretty much every thing Mikey boy wont do. Let Go Jackets And Viva la Revolution!

[342 Willy]

just wanted to add hobson is a FUCKING moron

[Hofbraunow]

"When Carson hurt his elbow, the head doctor told him to put some butter on it."

Well I'll be striped. Not only did they send Carson to the wrong doctor, but also the medical opinion he then got, well, it just seems even more questionable...

[Redunk]

If the Bengal's 'football operation' department put in as much work as the Bengals webmaster the Bengals would be super bowl contenders every year! The Bengals sure know how to keep their website updated month to month....