IN THIS TIME of perpetual Cincinnati Bengals incompetence and futility, with zero playoff wins in the nineteen seasons since the WhoDeyRevolution Godfather, Paul Brown, passed away in 1991 and handed the team to his fortunate son, the Despot, Mike Brown;
Introduction
WE, the members of the Who Dey Revolution, in our fervent dedication to the Cincinnati Bengals and fanatical desire to transform our hometown team into perpetual Super Bowl contenders, call for a popular revolution of fans to demand comprehensive reform to the managerial decisions and approach of Cincinnati Bengals ownership, management, staff and players, and hereby call for the adoption of the following Who Dey Revolution Manifesto:
Manifesto Demands
THAT the Mike Brown, Katie Blackburn, Marvin Lewis, along with every other member of the Bengals management, staff and personnel, state publicly to all Bengals fans, “I will do everything in my power to help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl;”
THAT Mike Brown will hire a general manager, drastically expand the scouting department and relinquish all control of player personnel;
THAT all training, rehabilitation and medical facilities are considered best-in-class compared to other NFL teams;
THAT the management fill the team only with players who fit the system, both mentally and physically, and are not reluctant to makes changes to player personnel when needed, regardless of cost or loyalty concerns;
THAT offensive and defensive line depth is considered the top priority for all player personnel decisions;
THAT all decisions made by ownership, management, staff and players, both on and off the field, are judged only by this criterion: “Does this help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl?”
« Remember this? | Main | Bengals do it again! Snatching stupidity from obvious intelligence! »
Ladies and gentlemen, the franchise player for Mike Brown's Cincinnati Bengals is................
Certainly, any time you have a kicker who can't hit from beyond 45 and rarely puts a kickoff into the end zone, you've got to lock the guy up long-term. If you can't, you tag him.
Godspeed, Touraj.
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20 - Years since the Bengals have won a playoff game
0 - Total number of playoff wins in Mike Brown's tenure as owner
.359 - Bengals regular season winning percentage since Mike Brown took over as owner (115-206-1 in 20 seasons)
29-34-1 - Record since 2005 playoff game vs Steelers
6 - Seasons the Bengals have lost their first six games since 1991. No other team has more than two.
0 - Teams North of Cincinnati without an indoor practice facility
10 - Players arrested in a 14 month span from 2005-2006
32 - Mike Brown's ranking, out of 32, of the "Best Owners in the NFL" by Michael Silver of Sports Illustrated in 2007
458,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, that Hamilton County Taxpayers paid to build PBS
2032 - Year that Hamilton County will have finally paid off its debt on the stadium deal
3 - Total number of non-clerical employees employed in the Bengals scouting department, lowest in the league
747,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, paid in free agency by the Bengals from 1994 - 2005, second worst of all 28 teams in existence for the duration, behind only Arizona
118 – Ranking, out of 118 professional teams, of the “Worst Franchises” in professional sports, as ranked by ESPN the Magazine in 2003.
97 – Ranking, out of 98 general managers in all four major sports with three or more years of experience, of Mike Brown’s performance as a GM, as ranked by Forbes in 2007.
I am beginning to believe that Mike Brown has a large bet with someone about how far he can go before he alienates every single fan he once had. There is NO reason to do this. None.
Posted by: Leeroy Jenkins | February 16, 2009 at 03:29 PM
Showtime you forgot to mention he is considered to be a leader of a leaderless team.
Posted by: Bob Saratoga | February 16, 2009 at 03:50 PM
like it even matters bengals nation.... we got a new punter that the redskins didnt want!... all of our troubles are over!.... TJ who???
Posted by: braddeygoddamit | February 16, 2009 at 04:33 PM
Don't forget that you want said kicker to lack any ability to be clutch.
Posted by: Who Dey NYC | February 16, 2009 at 04:34 PM
Does anyone in the Bengals front office know that you don't have to use the franchise tag every year? I FEEL LIKE I AM TAKING CRAZY PILLS!
Posted by: Brosef Stalin | February 16, 2009 at 04:44 PM
Forget about Shayne Graham for a second. Are you telling me there are not 32 kickers in the world who are good enough to kick for an NFL team? That's all that matters here. As long as there are at least 32 people on the planet who can kick at a satisfactory level, this move makes no sense. As long as we can scout . . . wait, I get it, nevermind. Good move, Mike.
Posted by: Jim Heenan | February 16, 2009 at 04:54 PM
I'm on suicide watch, this put me up to it.
Posted by: Ejm1 | February 16, 2009 at 04:55 PM
Well, remember when Neil Rackers was our kicker? That must be their motivation..lol
Posted by: Whit | February 16, 2009 at 05:02 PM
Maybe next year they can Franchise a punter?
Posted by: Josh "The New GM" Wagar | February 16, 2009 at 05:02 PM
Mike Brown has turned into Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now, Col.Kurtz....Fucking lost it!! I'm still stunned!
Posted by: Ejm1 | February 16, 2009 at 05:23 PM
Everyone knows Shayne Graham BRINGS THE PHYSICALITY!
Posted by: Sly Vramavomovich | February 16, 2009 at 05:34 PM
It just means that they don't want to pay Houshmanzadeh's salary. It's yet another case of 'doing it on the cheap' but remember, you guys let this happen when you didn't stop it with your vote when you gave Mikey Boy the 'key to the city' by voting in the Stadium Sales Tax... Too bad, so sad.
Posted by: WCH | February 16, 2009 at 05:37 PM
SO F*CKING STUPID! Management sucks ass. Maybe Shane will step it up play some reciever and on D this year !
Posted by: Indiana Bengal | February 16, 2009 at 05:52 PM
WHATs THE POINT!?! You are gonna let go of the player that converted on over 70% on 3rd Down for a Place Kicker! If you cant convert on 3rd down you wont be in field goal range, Foolish!
Posted by: Jordan | February 16, 2009 at 06:01 PM
is this a joke???? this has to be a joke.
(cue heavy eastern european accent)
Where is being funny man with camera from TV show who play practical joke on fans of Bengals team of football making audience to the laughing?
Posted by: Capt. Steve-O | February 16, 2009 at 06:05 PM
IGNORANCE IS BLISS MY FRIENDS! Take Note Mikey!
Posted by: Jordan | February 16, 2009 at 06:13 PM
I'd bet that over 90% of the people on this site were not of voting age when the stadium bill passed. So therefore only share in the misery they played no part in causing.
Posted by: Chris | February 16, 2009 at 06:33 PM
has any team ever franchised a kicker? as far a shit moves, this takes the cake.
Posted by: Big Lou | February 16, 2009 at 07:03 PM
Bottom line...franchising Shane is cheaper than franchising TJ. Would Mikey do it any other way? I agree that they need to hold on to Shane, but Christ, sign him to a 4 or 5 year deal at a few mill. a year and tag T.J. Or...and try to follow me here, I know this is confusing stuff...sign your best offensive weapon to a long term deal BEFORE his contract runs out! God Damn. I can't wait until we draft Beanie Wells, that would be a nice cherry on top of the offseason.
Posted by: The Real Tyke Beasly | February 16, 2009 at 07:41 PM
What we all have to remember is that Mike Brown's Super Bowl victory is when he has completed another season of filling the seats with spending as little as possible.
Posted by: PAl | February 16, 2009 at 08:16 PM
Egad! Das Gingerkinden *Franchausen* ?
Es Bullshiten!
Opie CunningGraham!
Mike Brown is definitely psychotic; oh well, we all knew this was coming, what a brainus
Posted by: Hofbraunow | February 16, 2009 at 08:59 PM
Thank God we didn't let Shayne get away! After all, he's a good guy, he helps out at the food pantry, and for all we know Oakland was gonna swoop in and steal him away!
I guess we won't have to invite any kickers to camp this summer, especially since they're down to the last, ohhh 600 or so who could do the job for league minimum without choking on the big ones. Who wants to bet their no. 1 pick isn't Michael Crabtree now. LOL
Posted by: John Belanger | February 16, 2009 at 10:40 PM
Thank goodness for 'crushin' it' like Big Red
Posted by: Hofbraunow | February 16, 2009 at 10:49 PM
WHY? WHAT THE FUCK?? I'm absolutely stunned...not really, I was expecting this to happen. But seriously, this is a bad move. We could have singed him cheaper in the long term, or released him and signed a UFA. And then we could have franchised TJ. But I digress...Back to Big Red. We better not allow a single kickoff return for a TD, and we better be kicking clutch game winning field goals at 100 percent accuracy with the money Mikey Boy spent on this farce.
Worse things could happen. We could have the highest paid long snapper to go along with our franchise kicker...oh fuck, we do.
Posted by: Daniel Venrick AKA the Danimal | February 16, 2009 at 11:08 PM
Isn't there an NFL rule that says you have to use the franchise tag on a football player? I like Shane and he has been good but anyone, who has played football in college or professionally, knows kickers are not viewed as real football players by thier teammates.
Posted by: BMOC | February 16, 2009 at 11:22 PM
Jesus fucking Christ....no, you don't have to use the franchise tag on anyone. I'm gonna go kill myself now.
Posted by: Steve | February 17, 2009 at 07:28 AM
Showtime I happened to read the post shortly after it was up.
I thought it was an Onion-esqe type spoof. Then I picked up the paper this morning.
Just when a fan thinks they've seen it all from Mikey he shows us we have not. Is a Pacman signing next?
Unreal.
Posted by: Comrade Robert | February 17, 2009 at 07:49 AM
Just wait until they cut and resign the reverse pancake at a discount, then this won't seem quite as bad.
Posted by: Chris | February 17, 2009 at 09:58 AM
HA HA HA HA HA. HAR HAR HAR FREAKIN' HAR. WE'RE THROUGH THE LOOKIN GLASS, PEOPLE. I'M LOSING WHAT'S LEFT OF MY MIND! HAR HA HAR!
Posted by: Inkstained. | February 17, 2009 at 10:06 AM
So let me get this straight. We franchise tag a player who would probobly have not had many objections to signing back... rather than Tagging a better player who most certainly does not want to return
Posted by: K. Phelps | February 17, 2009 at 10:07 AM
Only the Bengals could be this stupid? And, how stupid am I for, year after year, hoping they'll get a clue. I feel like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football that Lucy pulls away from him all the time?
I own two Bengals' jerseys. Both TJ's. I can guarantee I will not buy another Bengals jersey and I will not spend a dime on this organization next year.
Good luck wherever you are next year, TJ. I'll be watching you when I can and if you play the Bengals, I hope you destroy them!
Posted by: Brian Smith | February 17, 2009 at 10:29 AM
Mike Brown Licks Hairy NUTS
Posted by: Indiana Bengal | February 17, 2009 at 12:13 PM
Inde-fucking-scribable!
I thought I was hallucinating when I heard Seg Dennison announce that on The Eddie&Tracy show.
I did a spit-take, shit my pants and pissed myself when I heard this...
This has got to be the most asinine move that Mikey boy has ever made. What total and complete ignorance.
TJ, good luck where ever you end up my man. You are the only player on this team to show any fire on the field this year.
I truly need to find that bottle of Jack Daniels and the shotgun...
¡Viva La Revolution!
Posted by: Gregc78&69 | February 17, 2009 at 12:41 PM
I hope the reverse pancake stays unsigned. And about Pacman...doesn't seem that far fetched when we got his gun toting, school bus flashing college roommate. And Mikey Boy already showed us he's willing to make Chris Henry happy, while undermining Lewis' authority in the process. If we don't resign Benson, hell, even if we do, we should go after Sproles before even considering drafting Beanie.
Posted by: Daniel Venrick AKA the Danimal | February 19, 2009 at 02:09 AM