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Who Dey Revolution Manifesto

  • Preamble

    IN THIS TIME of perpetual Cincinnati Bengals incompetence and futility, with zero playoff wins in the nineteen seasons since the WhoDeyRevolution Godfather, Paul Brown, passed away in 1991 and handed the team to his fortunate son, the Despot, Mike Brown;

    Introduction

    WE, the members of the Who Dey Revolution, in our fervent dedication to the Cincinnati Bengals and fanatical desire to transform our hometown team into perpetual Super Bowl contenders, call for a popular revolution of fans to demand comprehensive reform to the managerial decisions and approach of Cincinnati Bengals ownership, management, staff and players, and hereby call for the adoption of the following Who Dey Revolution Manifesto:

    Manifesto Demands

    THAT the Mike Brown, Katie Blackburn, Marvin Lewis, along with every other member of the Bengals management, staff and personnel, state publicly to all Bengals fans, “I will do everything in my power to help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl;”

    THAT Mike Brown will hire a general manager, drastically expand the scouting department and relinquish all control of player personnel;

    THAT all training, rehabilitation and medical facilities are considered best-in-class compared to other NFL teams;

    THAT the management fill the team only with players who fit the system, both mentally and physically, and are not reluctant to makes changes to player personnel when needed, regardless of cost or loyalty concerns;

    THAT offensive and defensive line depth is considered the top priority for all player personnel decisions;

    THAT all decisions made by ownership, management, staff and players, both on and off the field, are judged only by this criterion: “Does this help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl?”

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January 08, 2009

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If you were the stillers, would you want the Bengals to change?

Rooney sends Mike Brown flowers every Valentines Day. Brown then buys a new card and gives those to his wife. It is their little secret.

Leeroy you have it all wrong. Mike Brown actually takes the card he gets from the Ravens and gives that to his wife...along with the Steelers flowers.

Allow me to translate:

"Dear Andrew,

I got wind of the publicity your website was receiving so I decided that I better actually answer the mail this week. I see you making points that are completely accurate and threaten the teacup ride that my team gets in the AFC North division and I don't like it.

The Bengals do everything they can to gift-wrap two wins for us on an annual basis. It is not easy in the NFL and I enjoy taking whatever breaks I can get against someone who isn't willing to acknowledge just how hard it is.

I believe that by offering a vague "sometime soon" sentiment on when the Bengals will turn the corner, the Cincinnati sheople shall be pacified and will continue to throw money into the NFL and Brown coiffers respectively.

I wish you would take down the website and go make fun of the Reds or something,

Dan Rooney"

Wow BMN, that's exactly as how I read it!

Rooney is still giggling over that letter.

It's not easy in the NFL blah blah blah.
Ok who gave Katie the Steelers stationery? After all we don't know how hard it is to run an NFL franchise; and neither does she.

Rooney is clearly old and senile if he seriously believes Mike Brown’s Bengals are turning it around. But, we have to respect that he, or one of his underlings, took the time to respond to a group of fans who don't generate his family direct revenue. Yes, they get money from us in the NFL revenue sharing plan, but, we don't buy beers at Heinz Field and we sure as shit don't buy their merchandise.

WDR fans used to buy season tickets, beers, and Bengals merchandise. In my wildest dreams Mike Brown would never recognize our existence, outside of mentioning we want to “pillory” him via billboards. He doesn’t recognize us and we would all love to give him lots of our money, albeit changes must be made.

Thank you for your time Mr. Rooney. As for Mike Browns Bengals winning, Rooney is loony.

Viva!

This type of response would be expected of fellow AFC North owners. Since they are guaranteed to play the Bengals twice per year, the easy wins outweigh the welfare they must provide Mikey.

However, if another owner responds, like one from a team in a large market who markets well (say, Jerry Jones), expect the letter to be less sympathetic to the Brown Family.

Might it be possible that you are being conned?

Dear Mr. Rooney,

So your saying if you owned the Bengals you wouldn't change anything?

Who's Andrew?

Andrew, you are great, I love what you have done as the face for WDR. This is going to be a huge difference maker for the Bengals.

However, I think it was kind of dumb to think Dan Rooney would help us out.

Allow me to translate this letter:

Dear Andrew:

Blah Blah Blah, Generic Business/NFL owner response Blah blah blah, I am the owner of the Steelers why would I try to help you out, blah blah blah, I laugh at the thought that you would think I am a human being with morals, blah blah blah, the steelers have been so good because every other team in the division suck regularly, blah blah blah, you DO realize I don't like your organization I hope, blah blah blah, I hope you are fornicated by the holiday rapist, blah blah blah.

Dan "Smarter than the AVERAGE fish" Rooney

Come on man, maybe the Packers guy will help out, maybe the guy who succeeds goodell (being that goodell is the worst owner in NFL history) will help, maybe the Cardinals guy would help. But don't expect Art Modell, Dan Rooney, or whoever the Browns guy is to help us out. You can send the letters, we have nothing to lose really, but don't get your hopes up from help from these guys, they would be horribly unpopular in their cities if they did

Of course he's not going to criticize Mike Brown. They all stick together. You won't get anything out of asking the other owners for help. Your best bet is make the Bengals lose money by helping keep the stadium empty and the concession stand silent. Then Mike Brown might sell the team to someone who cared about winning or who wasn't an incompetent buffoon of an owner. Maybe.

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    Bengals Futility - By The Numbers

    • 20 - Years since the Bengals have won a playoff game

      0 - Total number of playoff wins in Mike Brown's tenure as owner

      .359 - Bengals regular season winning percentage since Mike Brown took over as owner (115-206-1 in 20 seasons)

      29-34-1 - Record since 2005 playoff game vs Steelers

      6 - Seasons the Bengals have lost their first six games since 1991. No other team has more than two.

      0 - Teams North of Cincinnati without an indoor practice facility

      10 - Players arrested in a 14 month span from 2005-2006

      32 - Mike Brown's ranking, out of 32, of the "Best Owners in the NFL" by Michael Silver of Sports Illustrated in 2007

      458,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, that Hamilton County Taxpayers paid to build PBS

      2032 - Year that Hamilton County will have finally paid off its debt on the stadium deal

      3 - Total number of non-clerical employees employed in the Bengals scouting department, lowest in the league

      747,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, paid in free agency by the Bengals from 1994 - 2005, second worst of all 28 teams in existence for the duration, behind only Arizona

      118 – Ranking, out of 118 professional teams, of the “Worst Franchises” in professional sports, as ranked by ESPN the Magazine in 2003.

      97 – Ranking, out of 98 general managers in all four major sports with three or more years of experience, of Mike Brown’s performance as a GM, as ranked by Forbes in 2007.

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