Since I can't force my mind to focus any energy on the current state of the Bengals( You know you've hit rock bottom when your dad has a running joke about switching his allegiance to the Browns), I figured I could put my prognosticatin shoes on and guess what kind of hijinx is going to ensue in the upcoming year.
Cedric Benson will be resigned to a long term deal because Mikey likes the way he sucks.
Chris Henry will go to jail for jumping on stage at the Aronoff and knifing a Shark during West Side Story. In court Henry will infamously say, "No one repeatedly snaps his fingers in my general direction without getting a taste of steel. He's lucky I didn't bust his whip up too."
Marvin Lewis will alternate between drinking away the pain and chuckling away the sorrows.
Mike Brown will trade Chad Johnson to the Redskins for a third round pick.
Housh will sign with a professional football organization and eventually get to win a ring. In his later years he will become a leading spokesman for the hair braiding industry.
Mike Brown will do some redeeming...of coupons at Krogers. Actually, everyone knows he shops at Thriftway.
Levi Jones changes his name to Bison Dele and disappears to Thailand. Joey Porter holds a press conference where he declares that he loves him and he only hit him because of how much he cared.
Carson Palmer is out for the year because he didn't get his surgery until the season is over.
Due to the failing economy, John Cooper is the only person in the Bengals scouting department not fired. The Bengals coincidentally draft LT Alex Boone* with the 2nd pick.
*Alex Boone will probably be a second day draft pick.
Shayne Graham will take his sequined jeans and strong leadership skills elsewhere.
Oh god i hope Shayne doesn't leave.. hes the only bright spot on the team.
BTW, i hear that Carson is talking to the brown family about a trade to get him out of cincinnati, because he is unhappy with the origination, and the medical staff.
Posted by: Cool JJ | December 05, 2008 at 11:19 AM
After Bussing's start this weekend, MB will claim that Miami Of Ohio is a football mecca and the Bengals first five draft picks will hail from there. And then MB will slash the scouting budget even further because the scouts can now just watch Miami, OSU and the Bearcats on TV. So no need to travel South, West or wherever else those perrenial college powerhouses are located.
Posted by: Ocho Stinko | December 05, 2008 at 11:33 AM
Mike Brown will hold a press conference announcing his intention to hire a person to run the football operations, citing his leading candidate to be Bill Walsh because he's a "class act" that has ties to the organization. When told that Mr. Walsh had passed away recently, Mike Brown will wink and say..."awwww..I was just fucking with ya anyway."
Posted by: Tremain Crack | December 05, 2008 at 12:11 PM
The Monday two weeks after the Super Bowl, Mike Brown will hold a press conference announcing a major personnel decision. He will begin the press conference by saying that he sees the landscape of the NFL beginning to change, and that he's going to create a 'new' position in his front office that will revolutionize the management of NFL franchises everywhere, and that he will call the position, "supervisor of daily activities" or "General Manager" for short. He will then proceed to talk about the person whom he has selected that was previously a high-ranking official in another organization that he thinks is a model for other franchises. Mike then says, "Without further ado, I would like to introduce the next 'General Manager' of the Cincinnati Bengals, Mike Millen!"
Welcome to another 20 years of futility....
Posted by: Corey 'Illin | December 05, 2008 at 02:32 PM