The 11 Worst Possible Gifts to Give a Bengals Fan

ESPN's Bill Simmons wrote an article last Friday about the worst gifts for football fans.  And he called out Cincinnati fans.  Basically asking if we still existed (as he hadn't heard from many Bengal fans, he was waiting for us, Lion fans, Brown fans, Raider fans, Ram fans, Niner fans and others). 

Well, Bill, we in Cincinnati have been revolting against our team (as per Project Mayhem).  But your comment inspired me to find out what could be the worst gifts to get a Cincinnati Bengals fan.  And for fun, I decided to mirror another website I spend too much time looking at, Cracked.com.

I had one rule in doing this; the gift had to actually exist for purchase.  Here are the worst possible gift ideas to give a Bengals fan...

#11 - Paul Brown Biography

What it Costs: $16.32

What the person giving the gift is saying: "Maybe you'll be interested in how the Bengals got started!"

What you would think after receiving the gift: "Where's the chapter where Paul drops Mike on his head?!?!?!?!"

#10 - Bengals-Chiefs Tickets

What it Costs: Varies

What the person giving the gift is saying: "I have not been watching any Bengals football whatsoever this season.", or "I wish to cause you physical illness."

What you would think after receiving the gift: "These are worth more if I donate them to charity. Wow!  And I was looking for a late-in-the-year tax deduction!

#9 - Welcome to the Jungle: Everything You Need to Know to Be a Bengals Fan!

What it Costs: $10.17

What the person giving the gift is saying: "I consider you a Douche Bag. Here’s a guide to help you become an even bigger one."

What you would think after receiving the gift: "I already know what it takes to be a Bengals fan: patience, and lots and lots of liquor."

#8 - Ghost of Bengals Past Jersey Collection

What is it: A collection of jerseys still available at the pro shop on Bengals.com, because the team is too cheap to pull them off the website. Featuring Odell Thurman, David Pollack, Rudi Johnson, Deltha O'Neal, and Madieu Williams.

What it Costs: Varies!

What the person giving the gift is saying: "I’m cheap and either a)ignorant or b)have a deeply ironic sense of humor."

What you would think after receiving the gift: "I can’t decide if I should laugh, cry or choke you with your own gift."

#7 - The Medical Staff's Best of 2008 Jersey Collection

What is it: A collection of jerseys of Bengals that the team's medical staff can not keep on the field: Carson Palmer, Antwan Odom, Chris Perry, and Keith Rivers.

What it Costs: $300 for all four!

What the person giving the gift is saying: "I'm hoping that you have something very bad happen to you."

What you would think after receiving the gift: "Do I have some disease that no one wants to tell me that I have?"

#6 - A Woman's Do Your Job T-Shirt

What it costs: $18

What the person giving the gift is saying: "I want to see your boobs."

What you would think after receiving the gift: "They want to see my boobs."

#5 - Super Bowl XXIII T-Shirt

What it costs: $8

What the person giving the gift is saying: "Maybe I can brighten the Bengals fan's mood by reminding him of when we were once good."

What you would think after receiving the gift: "This will be as good as it gets... ever!  That was it... it will never get better!  UGH!  I feel like I want to punch you."

#4 - The Three-Headed Crappy Coach Autograph Collection

What is it: A Dave Shula autographed football card, a Bruce Coslet autographed picture, and a Dick LeBeau autographed picture.

What it costs: $16 for all three

What the person giving the gift is saying: "Hello.  I'm Marvin Lewis!  Let's not forget how good I still look compared to these guys!"

What you would think after receiving the gift: "Hi Marvin! Thanks for remembering me for Christmas!  And I was out of toilet paper anyway.  Talk about a win-win."

#3 - An autographed Sports Illustrated of Tim Couch and Akili Smith (with the Big Dog)

What it costs:  $3

What the person giving the gift is saying: "I don't know where one purchases coal, so I thought of the next best thing.  Oh, and F--K YOU!"

What you would think after receiving the gift: "Pictures of a Browns player and a Browns fan?  And the player we took instead of trading the pick to New Orleans?  I think somebody wants me to pee in his egg nog."

#2 - Chad Johnson's Biography I Can't be Stopped, autographed.

What it costs: $200

What the person giving the gift is saying: "Instead of having two first-round picks courtesy of Washington, your team opted for a loud-mouth, name-changing, clown with  540 yards and 4 TD's in 14 games."

What you would think after receiving the gift: " Maybe the Redskins will give us two cases of beer for Chad."

#1 - Kimo Von Oelhoffen Autographed Authentic Steelers Jersey.

What it costs:  $10

What the person giving the gift is saying: "Not only do I not like you, I want you to think about you least favortie moment in your life all the time.  This was easier to find than a picture of Ki-Jana Carter's knee exploding, Tim Krumrie's leg breaking, or Shayne Graham missing the 2006 Denver extra point."

What you would think after receiving the gift: "I'm going to have to burn this guy's house to the ground, with him tied up in the basement."

Comments

[captainb8]

I seriously want to bid on the Super Bowl t-shirt...I'm such a douche bag!

[WC]

The Paul Brown biography is a good read from the historical perspective. The problem is that once again it is hinted at that Paul Brown was this messianic figurehead that put his son's ineptness to shame. Again, I ask you to go examine the records and take 'Paul Brown -- the Head Coach' out of the equation and just look at 'Paul Brown -- the Owner/GM' and you will see that he sucked as just like his son. Why is the so hard to see? It doesn't take a lot of examination to figure it out.

I am so sick of people lauding figureheads in Cincinnati sports when just a basic examination -- WITH NO SCRUTINY -- shows them to be just about as worthless. So far, on this site, I have heard the Illustrious Paul Brown's name be cast about at least seven times. Paul Brown sucked over-officious (thanks Hank Stram) donkey balls when it came to doing the GM/Owner job. I have heard Catellini's name be invoked -- oh now there's a winner! May I remind you of where the Cincinnati Reds finished in their division? Just because a new owner comes to the fray is not a guarantee that the team is going to turn over a new leaf with a signing by the pen! READ MY LIPS: 'It just doesn't happen that way!' In fact, since Castellini took over, things have gotten MUCH worse for the Cincinnati Reds -- so all of you that are out there touting Castellini -- open your eyes a second and just perform a cursory examination of his 'reign' and if you still think he is the baseball messiah -- the one put up to end all the misery that is the Reds... ...go see a shrink because you are not living in reality. While you're at it, I would be willing to bet that you thought the same thing when 'Uncle Carl' took over the Reds -- same situation as Castellini -- but with even more capital -- and he pretty much bottomed out the franchise -- until Castellini proved he could go even lower!

People, until you start dealing with reality -- and all aspects of it, you are haphazardly assigning problems and blame and at the same time making a damned fool of yourself because you are missing some very easy and key points yet you wish to make a statement when you haven't a clue as to these things as well? It kills your credibility.

Look, if you want to go after MBB, go after him -- by all means (I think that is sheer frustration and will prove fruitless -- as I've said (and explained) before) do so but keep things focused on him and stop invoking other people especially when they are just as fucked up or maybe worse -- than MBB. Remember the old addage: "Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones"?

[Joe]

WC you don't give any examples of why Paul Brown sucked as owner/GM. He certainly achieved a better result on the field than his son has... That's the most important metric I can think of, but I am curious to hear your assessment about what makes you say that he "sucked over-officious (thanks Hank Stram) donkey balls when it came to doing the GM/Owner job."

Plenty of backup for the claim on Castellini, no arguments there.

[Gonz O'Lager]

"In fact, since Castellini took over, things have gotten MUCH worse for the Cincinnati Reds"

During Lindner's tenure with the Reds (1999-2005), they won 544 and lost 582, winning percentage of 48%. With Castellini (2006 on) they are 226-260, winning percentage of... 47%.

It's worse but not MUCH worse.

[Leeroy Jenkins]

I think the argument in favor of Castellini is that he has stated the goal is the win a World Series. Clearly the results have not been great, but Castellini has set the bar high. Mike Brown has never uttered the world super bowl publicly. Castellini also went out and got a GM with a proven track record of success. Clearly the results are not there, but we just want Mike Brown to run his team like every other NFL team.

Comparing an MLB team to an NFL team is like comparing apples and oranges. We just want Mike Brown to act like every other NFL owner or any person who has utterly failed at his job for almost two decades.

[Sleeping With Bieiemy]

WC - the Paul Brown is listed on both our worst and best lists for gifts. Meaning, we don't really enthusiastically endorse it. The Bengals saw better days under Paul and he was more knowledgeable football wise. But we could have been the 49ers if he had put his ego aside and let Bill Walsh run the show. Instead, he showed him the door. So yes, Paul is no saint, but he was better. Humor us please.

Yeah, Castellini appears to have the right process in place, he just hasn't made the correct decisions so far. And he says the right things and engages the greater cincinnati community and fanbase. But come on, he does not compete on a level playing field. Being as impatient with him as Mike Brown is flat out stupid. The structural hurdles from a lack of shared revenue and salary cap that the Reds have to overcome as a small market team are pretty staggering. But they have a good young core in place. If we are still losing two years from now then we can talk.

[why was i blocked from submitting this earlier?]

"mike brown has never uttered the wor(l)d super bowl publicly"

"we just want mike brown to act like every other NFL owner or any person who has utterly failed at his job for almost two decades."

...with some in-depth scrutiny here, maybe we could say that mike brown doesn't think his job is to worry about super bowls or even playoffs...maybe it really isn't his job. we should have a discussion about what professional sports really are and how the business side for the owners and players, and the blindly loyal passion of the fans can often be conflicts of interest. in the end, it can mirror what is often the problem with unrestricted capitalism in general - complete emphasis of profits above social welfare. (a side note here to incorporate the talk of MLB - the lack of a salary cap there and their anti-trust exemption is a total joke and an obvious case in point that the business side of things is top priority under the job description of owner and the underlying motive of the players...)

aren't we as fans of a team - usually adopted because of the town where we happen to have been born or have had some early formative bond - aren't we fans often spinning our wheels talking about decisions in sports as if the glory of our city and its people should be the prime objective? of course i love to get behind our team's success completely (i think that sports is the only place where unquestioned and undying loyalty to the ultimate success of something is appropriate in life), but honestly, the system is not set-up for our desires to be of real concern. the owners will take care of their interests first - always.

sometimes as fans, we may be lucky to have an owner whose interests are similarly aligned with ours. possibly it's the ego of wanting to be the best, like jerry jones, that prompts an owner to conduct his business around winning football games. sometimes an owner will recognize that by winning games and championships, he will satisfy fans' desires and therefore increase his desire of making money (kraft comes to mind)...where i think we need to focus a little more as bengals' fans, and where i think this site has touched on fairly well in the past, is identifying mike brown's priorities and aggressively pursuing some leverage for the change we demand wherever those priorities lie.

i don't think it's too far of a stretch to see that mike brown and family are clearly concerned with maximizing profit. pretty plain. any reference to making the team better as far as winning percentage goes is standard filler fluff to keep the wheels greased for the money to come in. so it should be our number one strategy to pursue our goals through ways we can disrupt the only thing that mike brown cares about and the only thing he considers to be his job. we need to severely cripple his cash flow. we need to take away his money.

i know it's not as glamorous as making national media splashes with pranks and insulting remarks meant to publicly humiliate mike brown. while it might get a few laughs and some sympathy, we have to recognize that mike brown can't be shamed into changing his ways. he can only be forced to take some action if his gravy train's biscuit wheels fall off.

now the people that host this site have encouraged this line of action in the past - organizing people to bring in food and not buy concessions at the stadium; encouraging fans to buy WDR t's instead of Bengals' merchandise; alluding to the fact that some casual fans won't renew their season tickets and luxury suites after this year...i submit these are the kinds of tactics we should be committing ourselves to at an even higher degree. i'm positive that with the miser-like mentality of mike brown, even a small hiccup in cash-on-hand is something he would notice.

we as fans on this site should devise and implement as many assaults as possible on mike brown's job and business. it will take a heck of a lot more organizing and door-to-door style activism to spread an embargo of all products increasing mike brown's bottom line. even in the face of credible evidence, many people will be skeptical that forsaking all things bengals is a proper thing to do; it's hard for fans who think they are supporting the team through thick and thin to "walk away" from their hometown team. but this is the only way to maybe bring our team back to the people and make our dreams of having a winning football franchise in cincinnati a reality.

let's see some fervent discussion here, identifying mike brown's revenue streams and all the ways they can be disrupted. let's see some suggestions as to informational materials that can educate fans to this kind of guerrilla campaign. every WDR press release and mission statement should be solely focused on the idea that we as bengals fans intend to devastate mike brown financially until he decides to implement our demands or decides to get out of the business. (we need to seriously consider the idea that he can move the team if it came to it...maybe some educated lawyer type commrades here can investigate what the city's rights are on this point, especially considering the sweet deal we foolishly gave him on the stadium, and also the viability of getting a replacement franchise with a hopefully more attuned owner if that were to happen...) let's see what fans who live in cincinnati can come up with for ideas on organizing on-the-ground, front-line efforts to educate other fans and dissuade them from supporting mike brown's business.

i know this will be hard, and at times, painful. i've seen the rather pathetic comments on here that even the hosts of this site have made about how they just can't forgo going to the games, or even quit buying a few beers at the stadium. get some f@cking courage and start the real revolution! don't renew the damn seats! pressure everyone you know into not renewing theirs. publicly call out anyone who does, or who visits the pro-shop, with the same energy you've shown in humiliating mike brown. spit on (or at least knock over) the bengals' stocking stuffers in the check-out lines. host educative sit-ins with kids' sports teams about how sports as a business really works and how they can be a fan of the team without catering to mike brown's true motives (perhaps getting some former bengals players to represent this message and provide insider perspective on how this particular business is really run would drive the message home)...

support this team and city in solidarity the only just way we can - by denying mike brown another nickel of what amounts to our misplaced trust and expectations.

it doesn't cost a thing to implement any of this. it only takes commitment and courage.

BE BOLD!!!

[Ghandi]

34. Check out this Bengals flask for 37 bucks. Such a thoughtful gift for Bengals fans. No, seriously. What's funny is that the prices of the flasks differ depending on the team. Shouldn't they be charging triple for the Lions flask?

this would actually be a good gift idea for smuggling booze into the stadium but depressingly the proceeds go to his royalassness MBB

[Thenaturalmevs]

Brutal dude. Brutal. The Bengals are so brutal. My god I'd jump off that blue bridge that leads into kentucky if I had to follow Bengals football for 6-8 months out of the year. Are you guys serious with that team? It's like being a fan of a USFL team.

At least the Reds (my favorite MLB team) are interesting until about June 1.

[WC]

Go look at his record. I guess the first thing that needs to be determined is when he actually gave up the reigns to his son. Some say it was in the 1980's but I think that for all practical purposes, it would be just around the first Super Bowl appearance. Go look at the record and you will see that it was sub-.500. One can make a case that it was even worse than that. Again, the game passed Paul Brown by around 1958 or so. Offering him up as the protoypical GM/Owner does no one any good.

If that isn't enough for you, please tell me that you don't think that Bill Tiger Johnson being named the Head Coach was a smart thing? Who was responsible for that? Or for that matter, how about the one and only Homer Rice? Those two hires right there and then are enough to make even half-savvy person puke. As I've said before, I give the guy all sorts of credit back in the day -- but as an Onwer/GM he stunk.

Let's look at the drafts under Paulie Boy shall we? 1976 (this is going from when he left the sidelines -- if you are adding things together before that -- it is even MORE pathetic): Archie Griffin Rd 1 1976 BUST (Note: I don't include much past Round 3 because at that point it was pretty much of a crapshoot so I gotta give that to Paulie) 6 years he played and he only managed 2808 yards? Great in college (so was Tony Mandarich and there were signs that Green Bay chose to ignore that showed the deficencies that he had) but in the pros?????? Danny Reece? Who the FUCK was Danny Reece? Oh, I see, some schmo is going to come on here saying that Danny was his cousins, brother's, mother's, father's, uncle twice removed -- and that I should lay off on him. Well I say it again: WHO THE FUCK IS DANNY REECE! Oh yeah, he was a third rounder who never played a down for the Bengals -- let me say that again -- HE NEVER PLAYED A FUCKING DOWN FOR THE CINCINNATI BENGALS! He ended up going to Tampa and was out of the league 4 years later -- remember, this is under the tutelege of one Paul Brown!

Let's go to 1979 shall we? In round one was took a QB by the name of the Thorwin' Samoan -- Jack Thompson. Tell me why we picked him when we still had Ken Anderson? Yeah, we needed someone in about two more years but we wasted the number one pick that we had that year on Thompson who was marginal as a back-up QB. Remember that admonition I said about Danny Reece? It holds true for Jack as well! Then we had Charles Alexander... ...again, a marginal player who was also a number one pick in 1979 (we had two of them).

Outside of Anthony Munoz, the 1980 draft was a complete bust.

In '81 we took a person of questionable capabilities in David Verser under the auspice that: "You can't coach speed" -- forgetting that the guy can run at the speed of light but if he can't catch the ball -- if he can't be in the right place... ...he still isn't going to contribute anything to a team -- that was David Verser. In case you haven't figure it out by now, I absolutely despise maxims that don't take into account reality -- like: You can't coach height... etc. Yup, but if you can't take two steps before falling on your face (and can't be coached to eliminate that problem), what good is it if you are 6'5"?

In 1982, save for Rodney Holman... that draft sucked the ass out of a dead rhinocerous (thank you Fred Haise!).

In 1983 does anyone remember Dave Remington? What about 'Horton hears a who?"

Those were all drafts under the guise of Paulie Boy Brown. Now does he seem like the guru to the football stars? I thought not.

Yes, I know that this sounds like I am trying to flame -- I am not, I am trying to frame it with a tone that signals how ridiculous it is to open up things as being 'great under Paul Brown' when all the evidence is to the contrary? I don't revel in these facts. As a fan of football, I wish that it weren't so. I would love to be able to go downtown and see a winner instead of a weiner. I just want things to be thought of in a correct way using correct information --both current and historical.

I hate to say it is true but it is and the evidence bears this out.

[WC]

Joe, maybe I should qualify that statement... ...it goes to everything being said that Castellini is the messiah for the Reds -- much like MBB for the Bengals. Ignorant people ALSO thought this about Uncle Carl as well. Up until that point, Uncle Carl didn't really have too much to go on as a way to see how to do things 'WRONGLY', but Castellini was able to see -- by example -- how NOT to do things. It should have been fresh in his mind. Failing with equal number (virtually) percentage wise, becomes a misnomer. Castellini sw how it SHOULD NOT BE DONE -- and did the same frickin' thing. For that, he knew better -- he had an example -- and instead of learning how to avoid those potential traps, he did the same things -- some even worse! I wish I could remember that South American Pitcher that was a free agent (I think from Milwaukee) and damn it to all hell that they let him go by. He had some 'disciplinary problems' and therefore could be had for a song as compared to his actual capability/worth. Instead, they let him go -- they didn't even have him in their plans -- theoretical or otherwise. That was but one example. Hell the Reds aren't even trying in the free agent market. The talking heads at the networks and ESPN who used to talk in the 'Hot Stove Leagues' or how the Reds needed to go after this guy or that in the FA market... now they don't even mention it in regards to the Reds. The only things that they (the Reds) are going to go for is old and/or damaged and/or has-beens -- because the stated 'Rich as all hell!' Castellini isn't going to spend a dime more than he has to to get things going in his favor financially -- which is measured -- by some strange such coincidence -- the same as MBB to make what he considers a positive financial situation -- that is to say... a profit.

I hate to say it but that is the truth.

Hey "B", I understand that there are some that aren't drinking the Paul Brown Kool-Aid. What I was responding to was the people who indeed WERE drinking it and judging by the amount of times I've encountered it on here, that number is not small and it IS often repeated.

I just wanted to put it to a rest, the idea that Paul Brown was 'all that'! It looks terrible (oops Charles Barkley: Turrible) for someone to criticize MBB and laud his father when his father was just as bad. It throws the credibility all to hell.

The processes don't mean much -- I mean they do have to be in place but the best processes in the world can be in effect but if the correct decisions don't follow, all of that is meaningless. Granted, he hasn't the amount of time to screw things up like that piece of garbage: MBB, but he's had enough time for something positive to come down the line and nothing has been produced. That's not stupidity -- that is reading the handwriting on the wall.

I understand the arguments about revenue sharing vis-a-vis a small-market team but as they say: "if soup and nuts were if's and but's..."! You do state that "they have a good young core in place..." Tell me who that core is? They lost a great portion of that core when they traded Dunn. Then they floated the idea that he was going to be a 'rent-a-player' and back with the team next year because people were ready to send out a posse to track down and kill Red's management when they heard of the trade. Brandon Philips? He will be either gone in two years or he will be the Barry Larkin of his era -- the only consistently good player on the team -- and like in 1990, if the planets align just right... Homer Bailey? Uh yeah, uh right. Bruce? Jury is still out on him though it could be promising -- but then again, Hammerin' Hal Morris was promising until those dickheads on the Red's couldn't leave well enough alone and went by the old baseball axiom that a team had to have home-run hitters at the corners -- and couldn't settle for a perennial .315 hitter -- those fucktards! Aaron Harang? One decent season.. Past that.. space case. Volquez? Let's see two more season even 90% of this past one -- then we'll talk -- one can't call him part of a 'core' just yet. Votton and Janish? I hope they work out but there is NO track record on them -- if one calls such players a 'core' they need to have their heads examined. Simply put... there is no core here -- not yet.

[K. Phelps]

Actually, if someone gave me a signed authentic Kimo Von Olehoffen Jersey I would kidnap them, kidnap their family, and wrap them up in the shredded jersey, take them into a basement with the person who gave it to me, burn the rest of the family while making the gift giver watch, and then leave him to starve in that basement with the charred remains of his family right next to him as he dies a slow, painful death.

Well, the FBI will probobly be at my doorstop any minute after posting this, see you guys in 10-20 years.