One. Two. Three. Four.

Remember that *semi-sweet mid-90's song by Coolio? The one where he continually counts out 1,2,3,4?  If so, good. If not, take a quick trip down memory lane. Since I'd like to focus my outrage and disappoint with the Bengals today by focusing on the theme of 1,2,3,4 - I will begin this post by thanking Coolio for generating that song to give my counting **semi-sweet background music.

So you ask, ok Crispus, what's the relevance of 1,2,3,4? Your guesses ensue.

The number of non-clerical employees we would have in the scouting department if we hired one more scout?                                    

Amount of wins are still possible for the Bengals this year if we win 75% of our remaining games?

A near-lock for our draft position in 2009?

All good, relevant, and surprisingly depressing guesses. But this week's 1,2,3,4 refers to

how many seconds *** Peyton Manning will likely have when he drops back to throw against our Bengals this week.

Throw in some Mississippi's -1,2,3,4. That's a long time. Long enough for an NFL WR to cover 35 yards(+), long enough for me to curse Mike Brown several times, and definitely long enough for one Peyton Manning to find an open target or two.

This past weekend the Bengals allowed a rookie from Delaware to go 19/29 for 280 yards and 2 bell-ringers. Now let's imagine what a perennial all-pro, Super Bowl MVP at home will do to us with 1,2,3,4 seconds per drop back. I will offer a rough estimation; it translates to 45/45 for 679 yards and 17 bell-ringers.

The Bengals, as a team, have amassed 13 sacks this year. 13. Horrible. Sad. (((1+2)*3)+4). Pathetic. Second to last in the league. 13.

****Three players in the NFL currently have more individual sacks than the Bengals do as a team. On Monday Night Football, I watched Mario Williams capture three sacks forcing a fumble turnover with one of them. For those without a calculator on hand, Mario Williams matched 23% of the Bengals season out-put in one game. It  makes me insane, it makes me jealous, it makes me sick.

Now haters can insert here, the argument, well we play from behind, we face "running" teams, our defensive scheme is a bit different. And to this I would simply reply - you're an idiot. Head back over to Bengals.com, I'm sure Hobson misses answering your questions.

The situation is unacceptable. We can't get pressure. We need players who can get pressure. Mike Brown needs to hire someone to help him find players that can get pressure. We need to pressure Mike Brown to hire someone to help him find players who can get pressure. If we give P. Manning 1,2,3,4 in the pocket, we are going to be down 1,2,3, then 4 touchdowns. Mike - you are a horrible person, please try *****Sumpin New.

* completely sweet ** by completely sweet, I mean making "Coolio for President" signs sweet *** Rough estimation based on time surpassed from snap of ball, me looking down to dip my chip into salsa, eating said chip, returning attention to game to see Manning still not hurried, and then me cussing Mike Brown **** D. Ware - 15, J. Porter 14.5, J. Harrison 14 ***** Since I got beef, I am going to eat a pork-chop

Comments

[Mr. Wizard]

1+2*3+4 = 13 ?

[WhoDeyFSU]

It's more like 2+3*4-1.

[Crispus Attucks]

Math skills as strong as Brown's draft skills. Good looking out.

[Ed]

Throw in some parenthesis and it would make sense (1+2)*3+4

[Chairman Meow]

dudes, math wasn't even invented yet when Crispus Attucks started throwing tea and shit off those boats in Boston. or during the boston massacre, or whatever he was involved in. cut him some slack.

[The Real Tyke Beasly]

I don't know what you're talking about. Crispus was right, and used the correct parenthesis. 1+2=3...3*3=9...9+4=13 which is the number of sacks the bengals have this year. WhodeyFSU was also technically right without using parenthesis, but its poor notation. (3*4+2-1) would be correct, but wouldn't follow the creative 1,2,3,4 theme of the article.