Project Status Quo Task #1 - Write a letter to Mike Brown cheers his efforts on!

Dear Mr. Brown,

I just wanted to express my gratitude for the great job that you do with the Cincinnati Bengals. We in Pittsburgh look forward to the two games per year when we can expect to beat yinz. Additionally, it is an esteem boost to our players as you seem to not mind when they destroy your first-round draft picks. And the Stillers love having three bye weeks a year.

Please do not change a thing about your franchise as your constant losing is helping other football organizations play winning football. You sir, are the redeemer that you say you are. You redeem criminals, coaches, and players that would never have a chance at playing on another NFL team. Chris Henry would not be an NFL player if it weren't for you, most other teams would never have signed Chris Henry after his criminal behavior, but you redeem! Bob Bratkowski would be asking customers if they want fries with that if you didn't intervene. And Caleb Miller can tell his grandkids that he was an NFL player because you were gracious enough to employ him.

You have no need for a general manager, you have the football pedigree of Paul Brown on your side. You have no need for a scouting department because all of your people have ESPN. That should be good enough.

As for the reprobate miscreants of the so-called "Who Dey Revolution", screw 'em! Their billboards and grass roots efforts are poorly constructed and will never affect your business of making money. You are about making money, you are about business. If wins happen to occur, bully for everyone (but wins and dollars are mutually exclusive). Other teams can not have this philosophy, but good for you for being the pioneer that other teams dare not imitate. You keep your fans hanging on by a thread. You make just the right moves to keep them interested and renewing tickets. Heck, the fans should be worshipping you for keeping the NFL in Cincinnati.

Stiller nation salutes you for also giving us one more home game per year as the fans of your team have generally given up on the Bengals by the time our game with yinz rolls around. They start selling tickets left and right, and they don't seem to care that the tickets are being sold to our fans. This means that anywhere from 5000 to 20,000 Stiller fans can drive four hours and watch their favorite team play, wave towels around, and turn the stadium with your legandary father's name on it into our own home field. Heck, you call the area from the 20-yard-line to the endzone the "Heinz Red Zone", Heinz is based in Pittsburgh, thanks for making us feel at home. That is what we can a "win-win-win". Our fans win because we get to see our favorite team play in person. Our team wins, because they get to beat your team. And you win because we buy your beer and food.

In conclusion Mr. Brown, you are loved in Pittsburgh and every other city that it fortunate enough to call your Bengals their opponents in that season. Fans every look at the schedule and see your team as a win for them. You make the fans of 31 other NFL franchises feel better about themselves because, hey, they don't have to root for yinz.

Sincerely,

(your name)

Comments

[Chase F]

There, is no way, a pittsburghian, knows how to properly use, reprobate miscreants, in a sentence. I call, shenanigans, and may take, my commas elsewhere.

[Common Sense]

Jeromy, it's a joke buddy.

[dan nieman]

great job keep it up idea before the next home game lets have aanti mike brown rally on the square invite the media and make a statement