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Who Dey Revolution Manifesto

  • Preamble

    IN THIS TIME of perpetual Cincinnati Bengals incompetence and futility, with zero playoff wins in the nineteen seasons since the WhoDeyRevolution Godfather, Paul Brown, passed away in 1991 and handed the team to his fortunate son, the Despot, Mike Brown;


    WE, the members of the Who Dey Revolution, in our fervent dedication to the Cincinnati Bengals and fanatical desire to transform our hometown team into perpetual Super Bowl contenders, call for a popular revolution of fans to demand comprehensive reform to the managerial decisions and approach of Cincinnati Bengals ownership, management, staff and players, and hereby call for the adoption of the following Who Dey Revolution Manifesto:

    Manifesto Demands

    THAT the Mike Brown, Katie Blackburn, Marvin Lewis, along with every other member of the Bengals management, staff and personnel, state publicly to all Bengals fans, “I will do everything in my power to help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl;”

    THAT Mike Brown will hire a general manager, drastically expand the scouting department and relinquish all control of player personnel;

    THAT all training, rehabilitation and medical facilities are considered best-in-class compared to other NFL teams;

    THAT the management fill the team only with players who fit the system, both mentally and physically, and are not reluctant to makes changes to player personnel when needed, regardless of cost or loyalty concerns;

    THAT offensive and defensive line depth is considered the top priority for all player personnel decisions;

    THAT all decisions made by ownership, management, staff and players, both on and off the field, are judged only by this criterion: “Does this help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl?”

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November 20, 2008


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I once assaulted an old man inside Paul Brown Stadium for cheering for the bungals. This is what we do. WE DEY!

"I want Mike Brown to live forever because even though it isn’t fair to suppress an entire city to an incompetent owner who is apathetic towards winning or losing while continuing to profit, at least we get 2 wins a year out of it. Plus, his family cheers for us."

THIS MEANS WAR!!! How dare you wish a long and healthy life to Mike Brown?!?!

I will never...EVER...acknowledge the fact that the Steelers were the Bengals before a heavy influx of steroids in 1970s lead to an improbable run of titles.

It's okay for the NFL to celebrate this fact because the guys who cheated had cool nicknames like Mean Joe Greene.

I am simply a better football fan by virtue of the fact that I root for a successful franchise...and you Bengals fans are of course, morons who would not know an I-formation from an I-beam because if your team is dumb, then you must be dumb as well.

And as for those Cowher rumors of infidelity which lead to his "retirement" from the Black and Gold...there is no truth to them whatsoever. Seriously, Bill Cowher road off into the sunset to spend time with his wife and watch his girls play basketball. That's right...there's no way he was banging his secretary.

But if he was, I bet he did it better than Coslet.

We Steeler fans are simply superior in every way. We even piss yellow...and black usually after bedding some random girl from Pittsburgh.

I'm a Super Stouche because, in the lottery of life, I was borned in this Burg of Pitt's. And I thank my lucky stars- which are actually just the candle's reflection on the shining, faceted, colored glass set in my five super bowl replica rings because seeing stars to thank in person requires a sky not obscured 24/7 by manmade clouds, that I was borned here everyday. I mean, I could have been borned somewhere there was enough sun to prevent rickets. Or I could have been borned to parents elsewhere who's family tree wasn't palm and where I wouldn't have to cash in the whole month's food stamps to get enough Steeler yellow facepaint to cover adequately the natural blue tint of my skin. Or I could have been borned somewhere they have those fancy hospitals, doctors, and them Edison lights that come from walls and maybe, then, I could have been a real boy and not one who's Pa accidentally bit his boy parts off while aiming for the umbilical cord in the dark. Then again, it's frightfully big hairy nuts minus the pecker to relieve their pressure on a regular basis that is the hallmark of a Stouche.

Because I grew up in the 70's nowhere near Pittsburgh and have always loved Pittsburgh and all of their sports teams (minus the Pirates and Penguins). And it had nothing to do with me jumping on a bandwagon that was riddled with fat chicks and steroids.

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    Bengals Futility - By The Numbers

    • 20 - Years since the Bengals have won a playoff game

      0 - Total number of playoff wins in Mike Brown's tenure as owner

      .359 - Bengals regular season winning percentage since Mike Brown took over as owner (115-206-1 in 20 seasons)

      29-34-1 - Record since 2005 playoff game vs Steelers

      6 - Seasons the Bengals have lost their first six games since 1991. No other team has more than two.

      0 - Teams North of Cincinnati without an indoor practice facility

      10 - Players arrested in a 14 month span from 2005-2006

      32 - Mike Brown's ranking, out of 32, of the "Best Owners in the NFL" by Michael Silver of Sports Illustrated in 2007

      458,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, that Hamilton County Taxpayers paid to build PBS

      2032 - Year that Hamilton County will have finally paid off its debt on the stadium deal

      3 - Total number of non-clerical employees employed in the Bengals scouting department, lowest in the league

      747,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, paid in free agency by the Bengals from 1994 - 2005, second worst of all 28 teams in existence for the duration, behind only Arizona

      118 – Ranking, out of 118 professional teams, of the “Worst Franchises” in professional sports, as ranked by ESPN the Magazine in 2003.

      97 – Ranking, out of 98 general managers in all four major sports with three or more years of experience, of Mike Brown’s performance as a GM, as ranked by Forbes in 2007.

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