I am a Stouche Bag

One reason for using unnecessary physical force on some nerd from my high school in order to hack into this site was to demonstrate that Steeler Nation has more pride than Bungles fans.  By the way, isn't the word "Bungles" just so innovative?  It sounds like Bengals but it's not and "bungle" means to screw something up.  It's genius.  I will therefore say it 9 million times throughout the duration of my life.  Anyway, back to the point....Steeler Nation is vastly superior to Bungle Nation as we have much more pride in our football team.  We will not be outdone in any aspect.  To that end, we've noticed Bungle Fans proclaiming that they are "douche bags" and citing examples of extreme dedication and loyalty to their franchise.  Well that's nothing compared to Steeler fans.  We are Steeler douche bags..."Stouche Bags" if you will.  Why am I a stouche bag you ask?  Well, let me tell you...

I have 37 terrible towels and will throw elbows at the next gameday give away at Heinz Field in order to get number 38.

I travel 290 miles and 5 hours every year when the Steelers play in Cincinnati to ridicule Bengals fans in their own stadium.  By the way, my other hobbies include urinating on the homeless, burglarizing low income houses and taunting the blind.

I spent $149.99 on a Ben Roethlisberger "Fathead" even though deep down I wonder if Big Ben is actually tough…or if he just complains significantly more than any quarterback ever to have played in the NFL with the exception of Ryan Leaf.  I am also grateful that the national media forgets that he claimed he had a couple of broken toes in his first playoff loss only to have this lie publicly dismissed by Bill Cower.  I will never share these thoughts with anyone.

I worry that “We Dey” is the ceiling for creativity in Pittsburgh.

I claim that Pittsburgh has the best fans in the world as I simultaneously ignore the Pittsburgh Pirates, which ranked 28th out of the 30 Major League Baseball teams in attendance last year.  While we're talking about the Pirates...I should know what it's like to have a terrible owner running one of my franchises.  But because I'm a stouche bag, this does not stop me from making my road trips to Paul Brown Stadium and yelling C-bombs at middle aged women in Cincinnati.

I have said preposterous things before like "If I were a woman, I would marry Hines Ward."

I disguise our cheap shots and dirty play by always referring to such behavior with generic, accepted expressions like “blue collar”, “buckles his chin strap” and “lunch pail.”  For example, take the following statement of fact: “Pittsburgh hopes to win through the dirty play of its defense and a strong performance out of cheap shot artist, Hines Ward.”  This statement, which could seem accurate confusing on its face, is easily sugar-coated by: "Pittsburgh hopes to win this game with its blue collar defense and a strong performance out of Hines Ward who just buckles his chin strap and brings his lunch pail to work every Sunday."  Whether non-stouche bags accept this does not matter.  NFL broadcasters do.

I know Franco Harris dropped that ball.  Again, I will never share this with anyone.

I missed the end of the Steelers vs. Colts playoff game during our last Super Bowl run because I was sobbing uncontrollably while inexplicably digging a hole in my backyard at the thought of Jerome Bettis ending his career with a fumble that prevented us from going to the Super Bowl.

This guy doesn't seem so bad to me.  

I consistently revel in other people’s misfortunes.  I cheered when Carson Palmer’s knee was blown out, virtually giving us a free pass to the next round of the playoffs.  I approved of Joey Porter’s gang beating of Levi Jones and I required a cigarette and some spooning after Hines Ward leveled Keith Rivers when he wasn’t looking and then performed a celebration dance.

If I could be anyone in the world, I would be Jeff Reed.  Dude just crushes and dominates.

I refuse to show any objectivity ever and therefore, I will not admit that Terry Bradshaw is the worst announcer on the worst NFL pre-game television show.

I want Mike Brown to live forever because even though it isn’t fair to suppress an entire city to an incompetent owner who is apathetic towards winning or losing while continuing to profit, at least we get 2 wins a year out of it.  Plus, his family cheers for us.

There are likely many more examples that I could share to demonstrate why I’m a huge stouche bag.  And there are likely many other Steeler fans like me that are superstouches.  The analysis of why we engage in this behavior is not complicated:  We were born in a city with a professional football franchise and a consistently good one at that.  In addition to this, a large portion of us are unintelligent, low class people.  We enjoy rubbing it in your face and ridiculing losers who have the gall to root for their losing hometown team.  I apologize for nothing.  Surely, Bungles fans would engage in similar behavior if they had 5 Super Bowl championships and were consistently in the playoffs.  It’s a good thing we never have to worry about that.  And it’s a good thing I never have to stop being a heaping pile of stouche.  I'd like to sincerely thank Mike Brown on behalf of all stouche bags for allowing us to continue and build upon our enormous stouchebaggery. 

Stouche Bags...please feel free to comment on why you, yourself are a Stouche Bag

Comments

[The Wheels on the Bus]

I once assaulted an old man inside Paul Brown Stadium for cheering for the bungals. This is what we do. WE DEY!

[Jeff]

"I want Mike Brown to live forever because even though it isn’t fair to suppress an entire city to an incompetent owner who is apathetic towards winning or losing while continuing to profit, at least we get 2 wins a year out of it. Plus, his family cheers for us."

THIS MEANS WAR!!! How dare you wish a long and healthy life to Mike Brown?!?!

[Flash]

I will never...EVER...acknowledge the fact that the Steelers were the Bengals before a heavy influx of steroids in 1970s lead to an improbable run of titles.

It's okay for the NFL to celebrate this fact because the guys who cheated had cool nicknames like Mean Joe Greene.

I am simply a better football fan by virtue of the fact that I root for a successful franchise...and you Bengals fans are of course, morons who would not know an I-formation from an I-beam because if your team is dumb, then you must be dumb as well.

And as for those Cowher rumors of infidelity which lead to his "retirement" from the Black and Gold...there is no truth to them whatsoever. Seriously, Bill Cowher road off into the sunset to spend time with his wife and watch his girls play basketball. That's right...there's no way he was banging his secretary.

But if he was, I bet he did it better than Coslet.

We Steeler fans are simply superior in every way. We even piss yellow...and black usually after bedding some random girl from Pittsburgh.

[J.R.]

I'm a Super Stouche because, in the lottery of life, I was borned in this Burg of Pitt's. And I thank my lucky stars- which are actually just the candle's reflection on the shining, faceted, colored glass set in my five super bowl replica rings because seeing stars to thank in person requires a sky not obscured 24/7 by manmade clouds, that I was borned here everyday. I mean, I could have been borned somewhere there was enough sun to prevent rickets. Or I could have been borned to parents elsewhere who's family tree wasn't palm and where I wouldn't have to cash in the whole month's food stamps to get enough Steeler yellow facepaint to cover adequately the natural blue tint of my skin. Or I could have been borned somewhere they have those fancy hospitals, doctors, and them Edison lights that come from walls and maybe, then, I could have been a real boy and not one who's Pa accidentally bit his boy parts off while aiming for the umbilical cord in the dark. Then again, it's frightfully big hairy nuts minus the pecker to relieve their pressure on a regular basis that is the hallmark of a Stouche.

[Nathan Hale the Revolution]

Because I grew up in the 70's nowhere near Pittsburgh and have always loved Pittsburgh and all of their sports teams (minus the Pirates and Penguins). And it had nothing to do with me jumping on a bandwagon that was riddled with fat chicks and steroids.