Top 8 Reasons Why I Hate Pittsburgh

You know what makes me sad?  This is Steelers' week.  Normally I can't sleep all week, have to drink copious amounts of alcohol to calm the nerves, and generally want to murder someone.  This year, it's just another week where I get to watch a shitty team on its march to a defeated season.  Just ten more.  Just ten more.

However, just because I'm not nervous doesn't mean I don't hate Pittsburgh (triple negative bitches).  With every fiber of my being, I hate those skanky bastards.  Here's a few reasons why.

Big ups to Sly for his dedicated rummaging of Google Images for this awesome picture.  Really, it captures everything I'm about to say much better than I ever could.

8. The lady who sat in front of me at the playoff game.  First of all, how sad is it that I can say "the" playoff game and everyone reading knows exactly what I'm talking about?  But that's not why I'm angry.  I paid $400 for two tickets to that game.  I sat on the second row of the upper deck at the 40 yard line.  On the first row was a 30 year old female in a Ben Roethlisberger jersey.  She brough a guest.  Her mother.  You know why she brought her mother?  Because she's an Steelers fan.  Who would want to marry her?  She waved that goofy fucking towel all game and generally looked and acted like an 8th grade girl looking for attention.  If you've still out there, I hope you're reading.  Because I hate you.  To this day, I rue the fact that I didn't push you over the ledge.  I'd take a charge so that you couldn't have experienced that Super Bowl where you guys cheated.

7.  Bill Cowher.  His teams constantly choke in the clutch for a decade, then one knee injury, one lucky game, and one screw job later he's a Hall of Famer.  Puke.  I'm not sure what would be worse:  him being coach of the Bengals or him NOT being coach of the Bengals.  I hate life.

6.  Terry Bradshaw.  What a redneck fucking loser.  I'd insult him but I'm pretty sure he's illiterate.  He never adds a thing to TV except for inane observations and a stupid fucking laugh.  Also, he's in the Hall of Fame.  This is a problem.  He threw 212 touchdowns and 210 interceptions.  Only a 51.9% completion percentage.  Now, I know it was a different game back then.  Quarterbacks couldn't pile up stats like they can today.  Oh wait, yes they could.  Kenny Anderson. 197 touchdowns and 160 picks (in 500 more attempts).  Completed passes almost 60 percent of the time.  Almost 5,000 more yards.  Other than touchdowns, which are a function of the offense, Kenny Anderson is superior to Bradshaw in every way.  I guess he should have played with some more roided up assholes.

5.  History.  Ask any Steeler fan, they'll tell you.  "Five rings durrrrrr."  I hope they never win another one, if only because then they'll struggle to count that high.  However, do you know that the Steelers won exactly zero division titles and zero playoff games in their first forty years of existence?  Mike Fucking Brown has at least won a division title in half the time.  For comparision's sake, the Bengals won six division titles and two conference titles in their first forty years.  Then, in the 1970s, the Steelers decided to be the first professional team to use steroids as a team policy and they won four Super Bowls.  Notice how every one of them is dying before they turn 60?  That's not a coincidence. 

4.  Ben Roethlisberger.  Is there a bigger pussy in the league?  The guy hurts a different body part every fucking game.  Every fucking game.  You know how I know?  He tells me about it.  He's always wincing or grabbing a different body part.  After the game he talks about how gutty he was (I know he famously dodged a question this year.  Not the norm and even then it felt like he was doing it to show how tough he is).  Also, what kind of dumbass drives into another car on a motorcycle?  If he had pulled a Winslow I'd just say he's stupid.  How in the hell do you drive right into another car if you are on a motorcycle?  You suck.

3.  The Terrible Towel.  Imagine this.  You are 46 years old.  By some miracle, you have concvinced a halfway decent looking female to marry you.  You both have nice jobs and live a comfortable life with your three kids.  So, how do you spend your Sundays in the fall?  By waiving a stupid fucking towel over your head of course.  Do any of those morons realize how stupid they look?  Oh yea.  Probably not.

2.  Hines Ward.  I cannot even begin to think rationally about him  First of all, he hates his mom.  Hates.  His.  Mom.  Hey, maybe that's reasonable.  Maybe she left him for dead or something, a la Moses.  Maybe she whored herself out while he was left crying in his room for nobody to love him.  No, that's not it.  He hates her because she's Korean.  So he's a racist against his mother (yeah, yeah, I know he doesn't hate her anymore.  But he did.  That's what counts).  Second, he's not always smiling.  He's squinting, and that causes him to smile.  Why is he squiting?  I have no clue.  He looks so dumb.  Last, he sucks.  Don't listen to John Madden get on his knees, don't listen to Peter King, don't listen to anyone unless they say he sucks.  Because he does.  He does nothing well.  Nothing.  NOTHING.  OK, maybe blocks.  Really though, that's not that important for a wideout.  He's a reciever in an offense that runs the ball 70% of the time.  He gets single coverage every play.  He has played for ten years.  Pretty much anyone with the ability to play wideout in the NFL would thrive under those conditions.

1.  Their fans.  I started with one of these assholes, so I may as well finish with them.  First of all, the notion that they travel well.  No, they don't.  People who show up at Steeler games in Arizona are the children of loser-ass bandwagon jumpers from the 1970s.  Dorks rooted for the team who won, and that just happened to be the roided up men of Pittsburgh.  Remember this when New England "travels well" in 2046.  Next, all they talk about is the past.  Raise one salient point with them and it's "Five Super Bowls to none!!"  Next time I'm going to say "46 chromosomes to 45!"   Lastly, I just can't stand them.  I don't know how anyone can.  Arrogant, ugly, and a general burden to society.  They are just fucking losers.  They just are.

Comments

[Chase F]

You know why Hines squints all the time...................................................................................................Because the sun's shining in his eyes.

[Rich]

At least we took the 1990 NLCS from those fucks in Pittsburgh.
Oh, yeah, the reds suck too.

[Bring back the Squirrel]

Phenomenal post, absolutely dead on.

[lowber21]

you know why you f**king guys are perennial losers, because this idiot paid 400 to go to a game where he knew yunz were going to get your f**king asses kicked. you f**king retard. i was also at that game loved when your left tackle caused carson to go down, and yunz cried foul. you f**king idiots watch the replay. maybe my biggest regret is not knowing you to throw your ass over................

[Kyle]

The reason that Bradshaw is in the hall of fame and Kenny Anderson isn't is because he was afiliated with the team that won 4 Super Bowls... I guess it doesn't matter that it was artificial talent and that Chuck Knoll really wasn't that great of a coach, mediocre at best, his only stroke of genius was to juice up his team when it wasn't illegal.
The Bengals have had a few good players that don't get credit, like Ken Anderson AND Ken Riley. If Ken Riley had been on another, more well known team he'd be a hall of famer, but the Bengals were so young at the time that he doesn't get the credit that he deserves, the kind of credit that Terry Bradshaw doesn't

[Tom]

Haha fuck you loser Bungle fans. You guys are soooo fucking jealous.

Just kill youselves. Hey, life isn't for everyone.

[LabRat]

Your impotent rage makes me smile. Keep spewing venom, seriously. It just makes it that much sweeter when you fail, and you inevitably do.

Oh, and from a literate Steelers fan, you won't see us 'waiving' our Terrible Towels.

[janel]

You a complete jerk face! Stop being bitter because your team sucks. Quit crying like a freakin two year old!

[Al]

Are you super serial?

[ugg outlet]

We always have time enough , if we will but use it aright.

[wch]

...And you are chiding her when you paid $400 fucking dollars to see a half-assed team with a 'no-assed' owner? Who the fuck are YOU kidding. Look in the fucking mirror!

...You hate life? There IS an antidote to that little problem.

...Kenny Anderson is superior other than he never won 'the game'. I don't think 'Roethlisfuckhead' is all that great either but he's been there and WON it. He'll be in before ANY QB the Bengals have ever had. So what's yer point?

...And Mikey Boy Brown winning in half the time and $2.50 still won't buy you much at Starbucks... I reiterate, what's yer point?

...But Ben has WON the game. You haven't and neither has anyone from 'your' team!

...How many concerts have you been to where you've 'flashed' the 'horn' sign? How many times have you been in a stadium and thought you (or were on) camera and you shouted: "Go Bengals etc.?" So who's the moron?

...Methinks that the old addage (concerning your hatred of Hines Ward) is in play: "(at a sports memorabilia singing event) Mr. Ward I hated you when you played on the Steelers but when you played on MY favorite team, you were the best..." applies here.

...'They just are...' a salient point -- NOT! I said it before and I'll say it again... WHAT'S YER FUCKIN' POINT, Sparky! (My sincere apologies to the dearly departed George 'Sparky' Anderson!)

[johnny]

hahahah best article i've read in a while. thanks for the read.

[shoes justin bieber]

True science teaches, above all, to doubt and be ignorant.All things are difficult before they are easy.

[Gods gift to football]

Hey you fucking jag off let me tell you a few things why I hate you!

1. Your mom is a whore!

2. If you knew anything about Pittsburgh you would not only know we rule in football but we helped build this country what did your town do? I bet it added to the general downfall of this country!

3. Now I can say this 6 Super Bowls. If you want to fight I will give you my address and you can come to my house and I show you what a real Steelers fan will do to you fag!

[air max 90]

Tomorrow is an other day!@

[DisgruntledInPgh]

I don't even LIKE football and I STILL HATE PITTSBURGH!!!! Yaaaaah!! Can't wait to move away from all of you rude, hateful, brainwashed losers!! Take your rainy weather and shove it where the sun don't shine- which is ironically Pittsburgh: the city without sunshine. Or Frozen Yogurt.

[red bottom heel]

Thanks, I'm going to have nightmares tonight.

[laboratory freezers]

There's the bottom line. I know why now.

[vintage car restoration]

I see. Your reasons are valid.