It's Sunday Night, a couple hours after the Bengals improved their 2008 defeated streak to 7. Mike Brown is reclining in his favorite chair, the LA-Z-BOY ZX9000. He loves it so much because he got it for a reduced price at the store when he found a scuff on one of the arms and had it appraised by one of the bengals lawyers, who promptly told Target that they would slap a lawsuit on their company before they even left the store if they didn't sell it to Mikey for 20% of the sticker price.
Mikey, in his heart of hearts, had a good day. Although the team he comandeered out of Marvin Lewis' grasp is god-awful and currently free-falling off a very high cliff, he is happy and content. And it isn't because the Bengals are doing bad. He does experience brief pangs of guilt over the malaise that is settling over Cincinnati due to his handling of the most important entity in the city. But those pangs quickly pass when he thinks about his bank statement or the coupon he clipped earlier for the free 8 ounces of flank steak he'll receive with a purchase of Gold's Own Garbanzo Beans.
Mikey is happy and content because instead of the blame for this abortion of a season being put on his doorstep it can now be tossed in the bad luck category. Right where he planned on it going.
A couple weeks before, Himes Ward had to pay a fine for one of his many dirty hits. Before he could send the check in himself though he got a phone call from a man simply calling himself Bob B. Bob B. told him that as long as he could seriously injure a good Bengal player in the upcoming game then his fine would be taken care of no questions asked. Himes, the fuckface that he is, needed the fine money to invest in some scheme Big Ben was talking about in the locker room. Santonio had already invested even though he was already a couple months behind on his child support payments due across the country, and Himes was not going to let that little shitkicker outmaneuver him as Roethlislingers go to receiver. If only Big Ben didn't have such terminal memory loss and recognized how much Himes had helped him get where he was today. Himes was worried that next thing he knew Tomlin would have him playing only on running downs.
So he watches the film, checks out who could actually be considered good on the Bengals D and finds this rookie named Rivers. Poor guy, Himes thought. Him and Carson have to go from USC to Cincinnati and play for a team that only likes players that get arrested because they don't cost any money to sign.
Once the game starts he marks out Rivers. After some snaps he gets his chance and destroys the kid's upper chest, throat and jaw with his special steel plated helmet while Rivers was angling Mewelde Moore out of bounds.
After the game Hime's life partner, Kordell, called and said that the NFL called and thanked him for paying his fine so quickly. They said that they were still calling Brett Favre every week to pay up on his pain killer fine from like 10 years ago. They call Brett and he will get on the phone and give them the address of one of his lineman or backup QB's to send another bill to. They also said it was nice to get money that hadn't been used as toilet paper like the bills Randy Moss sent in when he played for the Vikings.
Mikey can sleep soundly now knowing that when he has to lie to media about the Bengals not even coming close to winning a game this year he can blame the imaginary black cloud hanging above the franchise and not own up to gratingly obvious problems he keeps letting grow unchecked in the Bengals organization.