Post Game Analysis (Normal Edition)

The game is over, the results are officially in, and the Bengals have indeed lost the game, as predicted in my post from earlier today (and not to mention everybody else in the modern world.) The point of this post is not to break down the loss with my vast football knowledge and use of complicated algorithms. Rather, the point of this post is to throw some observations out there. Some things that I noticed:

1.) Domata Peko really is a below average player. Fact: he is going to be a Bengal through 2014. Fact: he is making $29,300,000 over this time period. Fact: Dwight K Schrute would be better suited for this position, mainly because of the strength he derives from eating beets. Not to mention we could pay him a salary of $30k plus bonuses of Battlestar Gallactica season DVDs.

2.) Carson is not playing well at all. This is partly due to poor play of the offensive line... But there is no excuse for his poor decisions and off-target throws. A couple plays come to mind: the first pass of the game was way off target, and ended up an interception. Later on he had Chris Perry wide open in the endzone, and completely botched a touchdown pass. There was another attempted pass to Chris Perry that flew like 20 yards out of bounds. Where's Shake and Blake when you need him?

3.) Our Michigan players are killing us. This became apparent to me on the drive after the "sneak" onsides kick. We are driving it down the field with authority, and Chris Perry decides to carry the ball into traffic like a fucking loaf of bread and SURPRISE! The ball comes out. A few plays later Leon Hall sealed the deal when Terrell Owens smoked his ass on a long bomb. I don't know if they are getting paid by the other team, or if they are just plain weak, but it was a sad sight.

4.) Peko aside, our defensive line is pretty weak. There were a couple plays I saw that Romo could have written a short essay, knitted a scarf, and memorized the constitution all while Peko and his friends were playing paddycake with the o-line.

5.) I cant stand Marvin anymore. For the second game in a row I noticed something that really bothered me,
and that is the only time I saw Marvin applaud during the game was after a Bengals turnover. The rest of the game, I didn't see an ounce of expression. Now I dont blame him for being a sourpuss, since Mike Brown could suck the life out of anybody. But Marvin if you are reading this, just be happy that you have a job that pays millions of dollars a year in the profession that you love, while the rest of America is working in jobs they aren't exactly fond of (and not to mention, spending their hard earned cash to finance your salary.)

6.) Bratkowski's playcalling is the worst in the history of playcalling. Case and point: the two point conversion attempt. This was by far the most crucial moment of the game. In these instances, most coaches would have a play up their sleeve that most likely involves the star of their offense. If not that, they would play it safe and run the playaction, and hit the fullback in the flats. But no, we decide to attempt the fade route to Utecht. There are two things wrong with this picture: one is that the fade route is one of the lower percentage plays in any playbook. Secondly, Utecht is a christian rocker. You just cant trust these people.

That does it for todays observations of the Bengals loss. Fortunately we will have an opportunity to analyze about 10 or 11 more losses over the next few months. Stay tuned ladies and gentlemen.

Comments

[Michael Rabiner]

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/96/243163024_d8d2fb19b9.jpg?v=0

talk about a douche-nozzle.

[Rich]

They cut the wrong running back. Look at Kenny Watson's average while he has been in Cincinnati - 4.7 yards per carry. He should be the starter.

[IgnatiusJReilly]

Makes me wonder whether Marvin, after putting Slim in the game, was playing keep away just to spite Mike Brown. I mean, come on, when your options for the corner route are a butterfingered, godbothering songbird and a would-be thug, always go with the thug. They actually know how to fight for the ball. Also, when 5-11" beats 6-5" to the ball, it's one of two things; either white men really can't jump or your franchise QB didn't put nearly enough air under the ball.

There was another play earlier in the game where Carson overthrew Perry at the five when Henry was open, directly behind him, in the corner of the endzone.

If I ever hear Alan Cutler say, "Golden Graham" again, I'm going to slap the mustache off his face. Lou "The Toe" Groza was the only kicker that ever deserved a nickname. Okay, "Lardass" would work for Sebastian Janikowski.

[Shame Guevara]

Did we just draft Beanie Wells?