Pittsburgh: Sienna Miller Called us Sh*tsburgh

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Who Dey Revolution Manifesto

Preamble
IN THIS TIME of perpetual Cincinnati Bengals incompetence and futility, with zero playoff wins in the nineteen seasons since the WhoDeyRevolution Godfather, Paul Brown, passed away in 1991 and handed the team to his fortunate son, the Despot, Mike Brown;

Introduction

WE, the members of the Who Dey Revolution, in our fervent dedication to the Cincinnati Bengals and fanatical desire to transform our hometown team into perpetual Super Bowl contenders, call for a popular revolution of fans to demand comprehensive reform to the managerial decisions and approach of Cincinnati Bengals ownership, management, staff and players, and hereby call for the adoption of the following Who Dey Revolution Manifesto:

Manifesto Demands

THAT the Mike Brown, Katie Blackburn, Marvin Lewis, along with every other member of the Bengals management, staff and personnel, state publicly to all Bengals fans, “I will do everything in my power to help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl;”

THAT Mike Brown will hire a general manager, drastically expand the scouting department and relinquish all control of player personnel;

THAT all training, rehabilitation and medical facilities are considered best-in-class compared to other NFL teams;

THAT the management fill the team only with players who fit the system, both mentally and physically, and are not reluctant to makes changes to player personnel when needed, regardless of cost or loyalty concerns;

THAT offensive and defensive line depth is considered the top priority for all player personnel decisions;

THAT all decisions made by ownership, management, staff and players, both on and off the field, are judged only by this criterion: “Does this help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl?”

October 16, 2008

Pittsburgh: Sienna Miller Called us Sh*tsburgh

Pittsburgh, PA- In an attempt to remove itself from Sienna Miller’s destruction of whatever false pride that remains, the City of Pittsburgh has recently started a new campaign to develop a new slogan for this quaint, Midwestern, smoke ridden, rust covered “city.” Council members and residents alike, hope that the newly chosen slogan will encompass the history of hardworking, blue collar and uneducated people who have unfortunately called Pittsburgh home sweet dumpster. The new tagline will be fresh while staying true to the pride that the city has rooted in the State of Pennsylvania. City leaders expect that this new slogan will boost tourism, increase barge traffic and create buzz above and beyond the region, all the way to West Virginia.

We here at WDR thought it would only be appropriate, during Pittsburgh Week, to come up with a few suggestions for Pittsburgh’s Slogan. More after the jump.

Pittsburgh: Sending our Trash Down to Cincinnati Since 1816

Pittsburgh: Because “Crotchburgh” Didn’t Sound as Pretty

Pittsburgh: Hey, They Still Use Steel in China

Pittsburgh: Sorry for the Smell!

Pittsburgh: 3 Rivers, 3 Times the Van Parking

Pittsburgh: Where Shirts are Optional and Mullets are Sacred

Pittsburgh: Just Minutes Away From West Virginia!

Pittsburgh: Who’s Kids Are These?

Pittsburgh: Take a Deep Breath, That’s Cancer You Smell

Pittsburgh: 3 Rivers, One Chin

Pittsburgh: Free Parking Available

Pittsburgh: Have You Seen Our Jobs?

Pittsburgh: Hines Ward is a Homo

Pittsburgh: Where the Economy is Always Bad

Pittsburgh: Come for the History, Stay… In the Hospital

Pittsburgh: We’re the Reason for Terry Bradshaw

Pittsburgh: Don’t Blame us, We Don’t Vote!

Pittsburgh: We Live by the Chin, We Die by the Chin

Pittsburgh: Our Dollar is Always a Food Stamp

Pittsburgh: The World’s Leader in Rent-to-Own

Pittsburgh: Like Vegas but More like Scranton

Pittsburgh: The Housing Crisis Doesn’t Effect Vans!

Pittsburgh: Where Dreams, Like People, Go To Die

Pittsburgh: The City that God Forgot

Pittsburgh: Those Sirens are Normal

Pittsburgh: Not Known for Much, and Rightly So!!!

Pittsburgh: Who Needs Book Smarts When You Got Steel Smarts?

Pittsburgh: The Water’s Brown!

Pittsburgh: Our Steel Makes the Bullets That Kill Your Kids

Pittsburgh: Those Aren’t Clouds, That’s Just Our Air!

Pittsburgh: Our Prostitutes Accept Credit Cards!

Pittsburgh: How’d We End up Here?

Pittsburgh: Solidifying Stereotypes Everyday

Pittsburgh: Where you can be on Welfare and still be Obese

Pittsburgh: Come Join the Few, the Proud, the Ugly

Pittsburgh: We Don’t Have Much, but we Have Herpes

Pittsburgh: Philadelphia’s Ugly Stepsister

Pittsburgh: You Took a Wrong Turn, We Kept Your Money

Pittsburgh: We Don’t Exist on Google Maps: No Image Available

Pittsburgh: Like Russia, but Darker, Colder, and Uglier

Pittsburgh: The Cleveland of Pennsylvania

Pittsburgh: Machines do Our Jobs Better than People

Pittsburgh: Living in Section 8 is Great!

Posted by Who Che on October 16, 2008 at 03:51 PM in Feeling better about the Bengals through hatred of the Steelers | Permalink

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Welcome to Pittsburgh: Wiping our asses with our towels since 1933.

Posted by: JMo | October 16, 2008 at 09:50 PM

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Bengals Futility - By The Numbers

20 - Years since the Bengals have won a playoff game

0 - Total number of playoff wins in Mike Brown's tenure as owner

.359 - Bengals regular season winning percentage since Mike Brown took over as owner (115-206-1 in 20 seasons)

29-34-1 - Record since 2005 playoff game vs Steelers

6 - Seasons the Bengals have lost their first six games since 1991. No other team has more than two.

0 - Teams North of Cincinnati without an indoor practice facility

10 - Players arrested in a 14 month span from 2005-2006

32 - Mike Brown's ranking, out of 32, of the "Best Owners in the NFL" by Michael Silver of Sports Illustrated in 2007

458,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, that Hamilton County Taxpayers paid to build PBS

2032 - Year that Hamilton County will have finally paid off its debt on the stadium deal

3 - Total number of non-clerical employees employed in the Bengals scouting department, lowest in the league

747,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, paid in free agency by the Bengals from 1994 - 2005, second worst of all 28 teams in existence for the duration, behind only Arizona

118 – Ranking, out of 118 professional teams, of the “Worst Franchises” in professional sports, as ranked by ESPN the Magazine in 2003.

97 – Ranking, out of 98 general managers in all four major sports with three or more years of experience, of Mike Brown’s performance as a GM, as ranked by Forbes in 2007.

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October 16, 2008

Pittsburgh: Sienna Miller Called us Sh*tsburgh

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