And Open Letter to Carson Palmer

Carson,

First of all, a confession.  I can't lie.  I called you Carson Bledsoe earlier this year.  I apologize.  It's not your fault Brat keeps calling 21 step drops when it's clearly not working with you at quarterback.  You're still my hero.  Please keep preaching the truth on the Buckeyes.

Now, onto why I'm writing this letter.  I don't want you to play this Sunday in Dallas.  Why, you might ask.  To me it's pretty obvious.

1.  You're going to get hurt. Remember two weeks ago in New York?  When you got abused from the third snap of the game until overtime?  Remember New Orleans? How they beat the hell out of you?  They suck defensively!  Kevin Kaesviharn starts for them!  I know, I was surprised too. 

This would be much worse.  You'd have to pass from the 2nd quarter onward, as the defense is going to put you in a bad position.  Also, we have a cripple and a drunk at running back with the Inverse Human Pancake Machine at center.  DeMarcus Ware wants to murder you.  Save yourself. 

You're going to get paid a lot of money over the next few years.  Make sure you can stand upright to earn it.

2.  It won't matter anyways.  Let's be real here.  The Cowboys are fucking awesome.  There isn't a chance in hell we hold them under 31 points.  If it's a close game late, they'll score at will.  Jason Witten is going to embarrass everyone on the defense, mostly Marvin White.  We won't be able to run the ball.  It's just not going to happen.  Even with you behind the I.H.P.M.  Sorry buddy.

3.  Even if it did matter, I wouldn't want it to.  I want to lose.  This one hurts me more than it hurts you.  I just don't have it in my soul to want the Bengals to lose when they suit up on Sunday. Believe me, I've tried.  I'm trapped for life.  I understand that a top five pick (at least this year) would be a nice luxury.  You could have this guy or this guy at left tackle next year, instead of something that looks like this So while I can't actually root against you guys when it counts, I can want Crazy Legs in there.  He's nothing but a means to an oh so glorious end.

4.  I feel bad for you.  You're so good.  You deserve so much better.  I'm sorry that you have this offensive line blocking for you.  I'm sorry your offensive coordinator hasn't evolved one bit in three years, even though every team in the league knows exactly how to stop you.  I'm sorry your head coach always looks like he's somewhere between "I've been sitting in the dentist's office on the first of the month for 45 minutes" and "My dad just died."

In short, I'm reminded of a scene from The Godfather.  Michael is informing his crew of the impending move to Las Vegas and tells Tom Hagen he is out as consigliari.  Tom, visibly frustrated, doesn't understand why.  Don Corleone tells him, "...There are reasons why you must have nothing to do with what's going to happen."  Carson, there are reasons why you must have nothing to do with what will happen on Sunday.  Get well soon.

Viva La Resistance,

Showtime

Comments

[Who Che]

Carson the Consiglieri... I like it.

[Tank Garbonzo]

Perhaps you could add how it was unwise of him to sign the 100 million dollar extension in 2005. He took the big paycheck instead of signing on with a real team.