IN THIS TIME of perpetual Cincinnati Bengals incompetence and futility, with zero playoff wins in the eighteen seasons since the WhoDeyRevolution Godfather, Paul Brown, passed away in 1991 and handed the team to his fortunate son, the Despot, Mike Brown;
Introduction
WE, the members of the Who Dey Revolution, in our fervent dedication to the Cincinnati Bengals and fanatical desire to transform our hometown team into perpetual Super Bowl contenders, call for a popular revolution of fans to demand comprehensive reform to the managerial decisions and approach of Cincinnati Bengals ownership, management, staff and players, and hereby call for the adoption of the following Who Dey Revolution Manifesto:
Manifesto Demands
THAT the Mike Brown, Katie Blackburn, Marvin Lewis, along with every other member of the Bengals management, staff and personnel, state publicly to all Bengals fans, “I will do everything in my power to help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl;”
THAT Mike Brown will hire a general manager, drastically expand the scouting department and relinquish all control of player personnel;
THAT all training, rehabilitation and medical facilities are considered best-in-class compared to other NFL teams;
THAT the management fill the team only with players who fit the system, both mentally and physically, and are not reluctant to makes changes to player personnel when needed, regardless of cost or loyalty concerns;
THAT offensive and defensive line depth is considered the top priority for all player personnel decisions;
THAT all decisions made by ownership, management, staff and players, both on and off the field, are judged only by this criterion: “Does this help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl?”
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For those of you who think this is a good signing (I admit, I liked it for about 1 minute, until Comrade Brosef Stalin talked some sense into me), lets look back at Mr. Benson's career in the NFL.
In Mr. Benson's first training camp, his teammates hated him so much they tried to injure him. Fox Sports Jay Glazer (who gets every scoop in the NFL) said that 10 Bears Defensive players told him they were trying to injure Cedric.
Cedric Benson...Welcome Aboard!!
The Bengals remember this guy sucked, right? And his teammates hated him. We all know these things, right guys? We called ONE person before we made this move...RIGHT???
After a more than five-year run, the string of consecutive home games shown on local TV will come to an end in September 2009.
And unless the Bengals play the Steelers, Browns, or a prime-time game...it will happen in the '09 home opener.
Prior to 2004, the last time the Bengals sold-out an entire season was 1992, left-over from the 'glory' days of 1988-1990.
Albeit a different era now, with personal seat licenses to consider (COA's to Bengals fans), expect to see the days of 'announced' attendance in the 50,000 range to return. Fans who have season tickets in the least expensive COA zone (corners of the upper deck and the 2nd level north endzone) will be the first to jump ship this off-season. At the bargain basement price of $300 per seat license, I think season-ticket holders will not have a problem forfeiting this money after watching the pathetic turd of a product that has been on display so far in four games. Of course, these seat licenses are property of the season ticket holder, so they could sell them to the highest bidder. But, seat licenses are generally worthless when the team is playing like garbage. Only those in the lower level, between the 20-yard lines have seat licenses that might fetch an amount over face value.
Face it guys, the COA is basically a sunk cost right now and subjecting yourself to another 20 years of punishment isn't worth $300 a seat.
I flew home from New York City this weekend to catch Sunday's weekly terrorism (mostly because non-stupid travelers purchase their tickets in advance) and to reunite with family and friends who still live in the Queen City. Although our tailgate was fun, there was obviously little reason for excitement. We were 0-3 and getting ready to watch two terrible teams play football amid recent news that Carson Palmer would n
ot be on the field.
After a few hours of tailgating, I made the "long walk" to the stadium as
Comrade Julius Norman calls it. Then I got inside. While usually, I like to have 2-3 Miller Lites in the stadium under some restraint at $7 a pop, I realized I was ultra hesitant to purchase anything this Sunday. Do I give $7 per beer in revenue to the Cincinnati Bengals? I hadn't thought about it until I reached the stadium and once I did, before kickoff, the answer to this question was a resounding "No." Although I wanted my usual 2-3, the Bengals have played so bad that I could not justify spending another cent on this franchise. I'm already a douche bag for being a season ticket holder that doesn't live in Cincinnati and for flying to Dallas next weekend to watch the football equivalent of this (notice that Sonny is wearing silver/gray and Carlo is wearing orange).
Continue reading "Confession: I Spent $21 at Paul Brown Stadium on Sunday" »
Come one come all. This Wednesday there is a firesale going on. Bill Cowher has put his chin on the market. For a limited time only you can be the proud renter/owner of the cavernous chin. Go to Ebay and bid. It's good to have a party in, foam pit included. A creepy Halloween party? Vacation in the chin? Mobile home? It can be yours for the one time price of $174.99.
Have too much shit in your place? Rent the chin as storage. Waterproofing is a must though. Don't want Kordell's man juice on your stuff, get the slash insurance. Jerome Bettis' anus too close to your stuff. Just get the Detroit policy. All angles are covered.
*The Chin is not safe to store your kids or pets in. All sales are final.
*Chin also comes with a porch swing and lovely view of the CBS football set and Neil O' Donnells taint on certain days.
I've been avoiding the media talk for the last 30 hours, but I turned on Monday Night Football and it was halftime and Berman had to make a snide remark about the whole Bengals 0 win thing. Then the next segment he was asked about the Cowboys and he said they would have people open against the Bengals in week 5. He's so cool. I wish I could be a big ball of fat. When Ole Yeller was out of commission someone went out back and shot him in the face. When Berman went out of commission 13 years ago they gave him more spots to make bad jokes and look like a big tan bald bowling ball. If Chris Berman circled the wagons I would nuke the wagons. And then nuke it again to make sure any Berman cockroach offspring didn't survive. He makes me want to not live in a world where espn reigns supreme. If he was an ordinary guy, he would spend most of his time at the local coffee shop while people slowly avoided geting into conversations with him as he tried to talk about the latest heart murmer he had. When will the murmer become a rabble and his heart keels into itself.
The timing is downright eerie isn't it?
Quick summary: both the Bengals and the economy (financial sector in particular) have suffered for a long time under total mismanagement from miserable leaders with only small hints there were massive problems until it all came undone in 2008.
Well, at least it's good for a few laughs.
Perhaps the most telling corn pulled from the turd the Bengals just dropped at home to Cleveland was during the failed 2 point conversation attempt early in the 4th quarter. Fitzpatrick had just connected with Chad Johnson for his first TD of the year. Mercifully, Chad did nothing stupid afterward.
The Bengals, now down 17-12 decide to go for 2. No surprise there. Fitzpatrick lines up under center, Ghiaciuc snaps the ball and is quickly PANCAKED by Shaun Rogers as Fitzpatrick tosses an incomplete pass. Seriously, for those of you who have it taped, go back and watch a professional offensive lineman get pancaked in about 2 seconds by a professional defensive lineman.
A starting professional offensive lineman should not get knocked on his ass. Maybe if his QB gets picked off and he is blind sided on a block trying to make a tackle. But not when you are trying to pass block the guy RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. The Bengals were on the 2. Ghiaciuc is expected to hold his block for maybe 3 seconds. Instead he gets knocked on his ass in under 2.
The Chickster summarizes the desperation of the situation for our beloved Bengals. Here's the money
quote:
"Palmer wanted to play, but a 20-mule team of Bengals’ doctors, trainers and head coach Marvin Lewis said no."
Sadly, Chick is not being figurative when he describes the crack medical staff as a "20 mule" team. Donkeys are literally "working" on Carson's elbow...with surgery clearly to be followed by...you guessed it, Dr Nick. (Cincinnati's medical reputation is pretty good actually, why do the Bengals not benefit from this?)
Message to Carson: RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! And once you get proper care from someone else, request to be released from this team so you can save your career.
Most of you (I would hope) have seen the classic movie Major League, about a group of misfits from Cleveland (hurts to even mention) that pulls together and wins the pennant. Yeah, it's the adult version of the Bad News Bears, but it was still hilarious. My favorite character is Pedro Cerrano, the badass, voodoo-loving power hitter from some Caribbean Island (I'm guessing Cuba or Dominican Republic--can't remember). Far fewer of you probably saw Major League II, which was horrendous, mostly because they cleaned up the language. Assholes.
However, in Major League II, Pedro Cerrano comes back and everyone pays him the goddamn respect that he deserves. It is quickly found out, however, that Cerrano has become a Buddhist, and, by extension, a total pussy. Everyone proceeds to walk all over him, and he just shrugs his shoulders, and says, "Oh well. I'll get them next time."
The 2005 Bengals were the original Pedro Cerrano. The 2008 Bengals are the panty-waste, no fire, we'll-get-em-next-time, 0-and-4 steaming pile that we now have to watch (check that, choose to watch--but that may change for me). They have become Buddhist Cerrano.
Continue reading "Bengals Are Like Pedro Cerrano - From Major League II" »
17 - Years since the Bengals have won a playoff game
0 - Total number of playoff wins in Mike Brown's tenure as owner
.348 - Bengals regular season winning percentage since Mike Brown took over as owner (97-181 in 17 seasons)
15-23 - Record since 2005 playoff game vs Steelers
6 - Seasons the Bengals have lost their first six games since 1991. No other team has more than two.
0 - Teams North of Cincinnati without an indoor practice facility
10 - Players arrested in a 14 month span from 2005-2006
32 - Mike Brown's ranking, out of 32, of the "Best Owners in the NFL" by Michael Silver of Sports Illustrated in 2007
458,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, that Hamilton County Taxpayers paid to build PBS
2032 - Year that Hamilton County will have finally paid off its debt on the stadium deal
6 3 - Total number of non-clerical employees employed in the Bengals scouting department, lowest in the league
747,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, paid in free agency by the Bengals from 1994 - 2005, second worst of all 28 teams in existence for the duration, behind only Arizona
118 – Ranking, out of 118 professional teams, of the “Worst Franchises” in professional sports, as ranked by ESPN the Magazine in 2003.
97 – Ranking, out of 98 general managers in all four major sports with three or more years of experience, of Mike Brown’s performance as a GM, as ranked by Forbes in 2007.
