I am a Douche Bag

While the sky is falling in Cincinnati and many are (rightly) calling for the head of Bob Bratkowski...only because the owner cannot be fired or removed and we feel the need to blame someone, the dominant realization that I came to while watching the 2008 Bengals opener yesterday is this:

I am a douche bag. 

This might have been in the back of my mind over the years while watching this football team but never  has my douchebagedness been felt so much before.  Why am I a douche bag?  Well, hopefully it is limited to the content of this article.  I suspect there are arguably other reasons why I am a douche bag but I do not go tanning, I do not pop my collar and I like to think that I have as little in common with this dude as possible.  My douchebaggery is not related to generally acting sweet by talking about "crushing it" or "dominating" the weekends.  Rather, I am a douche bag because I am an enormous Bengals fan.  We don't need to rattle off the stats.  They are on the sides of the home page here at WDR.  Look, right now...see how bad it is.  That's right, 0 playoff wins in the last 17 years.  What, may you ask, does this have to do with me? 

Well, let me elaborate on why I'm a superdouche.  Despite the organization that I choose to root for demonstrating complete and utter incompetence over the years, I have chosen to do the following:

-Over the past 10 years, I have either purchased or been given as a present 5 Bengals jerseys. 

-Last year, I went all the way to Seattle (from New York City) to watch the Bengals lose and get hazed by Seahawks fans who are surprisingly hostile despite the snobby coffee drinker stereotype that is currently in your head right now. 

-This year, apparently deciding that last year's experience was not sufficiently enough of a kick in the nuts, I've decided to make the trip to the Bengals vs. Dallas Cowboys game (at Dallas) because...you know, I should be going to the hardest game of the year for us, right?  And why wouldn't I pay for a hotel room, airfare, marked up tickets on e-Bay and a rent-a-car and fly four hours to watch T.O. show Chad Johnson that you should actually be the best player at your position to pull certain sh*t off.  It looks a lot cooler.  But I'm getting carried away.  This isn't about Chad being a douche bag.  This is all about me.  Back to my douchebaggery...

-For some ridiculous reason, I live in New York City AND am a Bengals season ticket holder.  This makes zero sense...fiscally or otherwise.

-Along with Comrade Bienemy and another friend, we put forth a significant amount of effort towards establishing a bar in Manhattan where 100+ come together to watch Bengals games in New York City.

-I created my own Bengal shoes on www.nikeid.com.  They are orange and black.  After shipping costs, these were close to $200.  They say "Who Dey" on the back.  They might as well say "Douche Bag".

-Last year at a tailgate before the Steelers game at Paul Brown Stadium, someone was walking around selling bright orange shirts with a middle finger on them that said "F*** Pittsburgh".  I overheard a friend of my father's say "Who in their right mind would buy one of those things?"  I held up my shirt, noted I was ten dollars poorer and said "I did."  You know who else would buy a shirt like that?  A huge douche bag.

-I've said preposterous things before like "I'd take a bullet for Carson Palmer"

-On Sundays in the fall, I don't make any plans because the Bengals are on televison.  Despite living in New York, no matter how nice the weather is, I choose to hole up in the back of a dark bar, knowingly walk into a place where I'll be driven to drink anywhere from 3-10 beers depending on how terrible the Bengals play and how close the game is.  I have forgone the opportunity to develop as a person on these Sundays and instead have spent money on consumable goods every Sunday in football season for as long as I can remember.  All this while wearing orange Nike's that say "Douche Bag" "Who Dey" on the back.

-I don't plan my vacation schedule until the NFL schedule comes out because again, for some inexplicable reason, I am a Bengals season ticket holder and find the need to go to 2 home games a year to justify this. 

-I will engage in conversations with non-Bengals fans about how much the Bengals suck and how often we get arrested knowing very well that it will end with me becoming more angry in that moment.

-Like many other Mondays in the fall, despite knowing what happened yesterday and how disgusting it was, I've read numerous articles for the analysis.  Like I need any analysis.  How's this?  "We played like a wet fart."  That took 6 words and 1 second.

-I encourage my girlfriend to watch Bengals games with me.  She is from L.A.  She had no allegiance to this franchise...until now.  She's been watching since 2006 and has become sucked in.  I am responsible for this.  I am ashamed.  I am ashamed and a douche bag.

There are likely many more squibs that could be applicable to this article.  And there are likely many other Bengals fans like me that feel like huge douche bags.  The analysis of why we engage in this behavior is not hard to follow:  We love football.  We love the NFL.  We were born in a city with a professional football franchise (and unfortunately for football purposes, not the one an hour and a half west).  We enjoy tailgating with friends and watching the games with large masses.  Unfortunately, our football team is notoriously bad.  Maybe I'm being too hard on myself and those like me.  I'd like to personally thank Mr. Brown on behalf of anyone else feeling like I am today and on countless other times on and after Sundays for making each of us feel like an enormous douche bag. 

Comments

[Striped Sox]

Comrades, I too am a Douchebag.

For a brief bit of background about myself :

I grew up on the West Side of Cincinnati, and after a taking a five year detour in Boston for university, I am now reporting to you from deep behind enemy lines, in the foulest, vilest, most unholy of places -- Pittsburgh, PA. I have been here the past (painful) six and a half years or so.

In no particular order, I'll enumerate the reasons why I'm a Douchebag :

* I keep doggedly rooting (somewhat obnoxiously, on occasion) for this inept organization no matter what.
The only way that I can ever see myself ending my misery is if the Bengals leave Cincinnati. Then they're somebody else's problem. Unfortunately, I would probably start cheering for some other hopeless NFL organization because frankly, that's what I'm used to. (I'm looking at you Detroit and/or Cleveland!)

* I am right now staring at a framed picture of Marvin Lewis and a signed picture of a Rudi Johnson on my cubical walls.

* I use a Terrible Towel as my dishrag

* I can see (and hear) Heinz Field from my patio. Furthermore, I can clearly hear all of those bleating Yinzers and the awful music emanating from within.. and I hate it.

* Recently, at a University of Pittsburgh tailgate, I was introduced as 'the fan of that 1 and 8 team' to which I smugly replied 'Hey asshole, I'm a fan of that _ONE_ and eight team!'

* People ask me where I was when 'Big Ben' had his utterly retarded, helmet-less accident (implying I was driving the car)

* It broke my heart when we released Willie Anderson.

* My mom is a Douchebag, but a douchebag of an entirely different sort. When she moved to Boston twelve years ago, she immediately jettisoned the Bengals for the Patriots. Me? Oooooo no. (Did I mention that my mom is smarter than I am?)

* For the past three years I have had a standing bet with a friend (a tolerable Steelers fan -- a rarity) that goes as follows :

If the Bengals go further in the playoffs than the Steelers, said friend has to throw a playoff party in the Bengals' honor, affix a Fathead of the winner's choosing to their living room, and toast the winner's team with a hearty 'Huzzah!' (you can't skimp on the 'Huzzah', its key) -- as you all know, I was a chip shot field goal away from inflicting this embarrassment on my friend two seasons ago, but of course, being a Bengals fan... you know how it goes.

However, if things go the other way around... guess who's putting a Steelers Fathead on their living room wall and hosting a party?

Guess who also doesn't do any sort of handicapping on this bet?

'WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU ACCEPT SUCH A STUPID BET???/?', you ask?

'I'm a Douchebag' is the answer.

(for reference, the Fathead that I had to put up last year, and will have to put up again this season, is Hines Ward. Have I mentioned how much I _hate_ Hines Ward? That guy is the biggest fucking overrated faggotron (next to Awfulthlisberger) in the NFL. I wish Ray Lewis would just shoot the guy already.)

* I'm actually optimistic at the beginning of every season

* Well, at least I have the Reds, right? Oh wait...

If you see a guy walking around Pittsburgh in a WDR tee shirt, that's probably me. (Yinzers, kindly don't aim for my head with whatever you're going to throw at me. It should apparent that I have enough brain damage as it is. Thanks.)

Please keep up the good work here.

[JAYBOZ]

I moved to Atlanta from Cincinnati (where I grew up) almost 2 years ago now, and was hoping that'd be the catalyst that would set me free from being a Bengals fan. After much effort, many false starts, I found that I cannot quit being a Bengals fan and have accepted my fate. I am therefore a hot steaming pile of douche in a bag. I am . . . Douchey McDoucherson. My testicles won't even look me in the eye anymore.

I gave $20 to you guys today, but will give another $100 if you'll give me the address to Mr Pop-a-colar in the picture at the beginning of your article. I'd simply like to burn off his tat with a hot iron, and shove his moron hat, and sassy-gay pink shirts back into his dresser - and by dresser I mean a$$!

God have mercy on a douchey Bengals fan . . .

[Derek Lutz]

I am married to a female douche bag. She wears a different Bengals shirt each week believing one of those horribly ugly orange and black rags will change the teams fortune. She has Bengals jackets, jerseys, sweats, banners, necklaces and various feather boas she wears to games during the season. She is a season ticket holder with her brother, also a douche bag who wears a Bengals shirt to every family event.

She owns a Super Bowl tumbler that has moved with us at least five times, cracking on one move causing a massive meltdown and argument over who broke the coveted drinking vessel. We still have it, broken and sitting on a shelf in our bedroom.

Every time the Bengals win one game she insists its the turning point and the playoffs are a sure thing post haste.

She made me use up a number of favors to get Madieu Williams to speak at our son's school. This remains her crowing achievement as a member of the PTA, although she did nothing, I did the work.

She needed a signed football from Marvin Lewis for a school auction. Guess who went with ball in hand to get if for her? Me. She's dragged me into her douchey-ness and I'm a Steelers fan.

And that is where my bright spot glows, our oldest son came out of the womb a Steelers fan too. She takes him to one game a year, you know which one. He wears his black and gold gear with pride, knowing his team will leave PBS with a win. He's never seen them lose there. He's partied in the aisles with the Steel City Mafia while his orange and black clad mother waited patiently for him to finish getting his picture taken.
He wears a black and gold jester's hat just to poke fun at all the douches and the F-Pittsburgh shirts who are left to mope and drag themselves to their cars after another Pittsburgh victory at Heinz Field West.

As for our other son, he's a Cleveland fan, so I'm guessing he's brain damaged in some way.

Thanks for this great opportunity to write about my wife and kudos on a terrific website. Good luck with the billboard effort, alas, I will not be donating any money to the cause as we Steeler fans love Mike Brown.

[Ian Sheckels]

I am a douchebag. All of you out there who wanted the Bengals to go 0-16 are not douchebags. A real d-bag, like me, look at the person sitting next to them after they won there first game and said we could go 8-8 and maybe make the playoffs. Real douchebags are dillusional, and really think that at some point Mike Brown might start to care enough about winning, and not money, to hire people that would make this team better. GM? Scouts? Even though we know it will never happen. Real douchebags hate only two people more that Mike Brown. Hines Ward and Joe Montana.

[TJ]

I grew up in Dayton, OH and at 8 years old was forever branded a douche by witnessing Stanford Jennings' kickoff return for a TD in SuperBowl XXIII. That was 20 years ago and now living in Pittsburgh, I'm seasonally reminded of my douche bagness by the black and gold bandwagon who never seem to run out of smack points year after year after year after year. But in true douche fashion, every Sunday I engage in the self crotch-kicking behavior you all know too well. Wearing #9 out in public during football season the last two years has become a gauntlet of shame. When will it end?!!! Keep your head up fellow Bengals fans! ...I mean douche bags. Glad to know I'm not the only one left.

[Flash]

I am a douche bag.

Season ticket holder since 1990.

Why God, why?

[Roberth Johansson]

I love the Bengals.
I'm born and I live in Sweden. I have never been in Cincinnati, never lived in any american city and never even been over the atlantic. In Sweden 75% of the population doesn't know what american football (football is what you stupidly call soccer, but that's another discussion) is and even fewer who the Bengals are. With this surrounding I love american football and the Cincinnati Bengals. I stream the games in poor quality just to be able to see them live and the download a HD version to see the game again. I have even painted my living room in orange and black and got a big orange couch in there to. All my friends who have NO interest in american football knows who the Bengals are and they can see on me if they won or lost their latest game (I'm getting sick of being in a bad mood all the time)! Why the bengals you say... Well it's a combination of Palmer, T.J., the colors and uniform and that I started getting really interested in american football in 2005 (yea it wasn't a good introduction to the Steelers!) and the Bengals was playing pretty good that season.

I'm a douch bag. There are Bengal douch bags in europe to!

[Big Joe]

Comrade Simon and Steve, i am a Douchbag as well.

originaly from upstate NY, i moved to DC about 9 yrs ago. i got the Sunday ticket starting out in 02 boy, that was a great way to spend my sundays, at 2-14 and to our great ride in 05 when i went to my first bengals home game for the playoffs....

every sunday, i leave WV and ride 90 min to the bar in DC. im the first one at the bar, usualy about 11am, i bring my 10' high pole flag and a nice 3x5 Who Dey flag and set them up every week. i am still looking to buy one of those BIG inflatable football guys and paint him orange and black.

so yes, i am a Douchbag

[don]

The Bengals ARE the doucebags, us fans are just unwitted , stupid , idoits of a Mike Brown experiment , that seemed to work on thousands of doucebags. Congradulations....Mike Brown. I prefer not to call myself a doucebag, rather Id like to address myself as a fucking idiot that fell into Mikey Browns snare. Im a fucking idiot!!!! Thousands of dollars have been spent on this horseshit. Im sick over it. Welp, no more, no more season tickets after this year. Ive had it, had it to my nuts.Quess though that I do qualify as a doucebag...a stupid fucking idoit of sorts , but still a douce. Will never happen to me again, WHAT 25 years now and going strong, Mike Brown is?????????????????

[Southern Illinois Douchebag]

Finally, a place I can call home, a place where I can feel safe among my fellow douchebags. I actually grew up a St. Louis Cardinals fan and when they pulled up NFL stakes and moved west, I had to shop around for another team. But which team? I've never felt an allegiance to the Bears or the Chiefs or even the Colts. They were midwest teams. I kinda followed (I'm ashamed to say) the Browns for a while, but they never really sucked me in either.

Then, on one sunny and bright Sunday afternoon, I saw Boomer play and it was all over but the crying. And I mean that literally cause that's pretty much all I've doing ever since. I was sucked in by the power of the southpaw and his fucking amazing play action pass. Damn you, Boomer! You've cursed me forever as I stick with this team through thick and thin. I'm doomed to roam in a desolate NFL landscape like a pathetic ghost.

Oh, I remember how excited I was the day I could finally buy the Directv football package. I would finally be able to watch a game on TV. Live on television and everything! Somehow I wasn't even that upset when I watched this team take a big, steaming crap on the field each and every week. I had hope and wore my cap with pride. I took my abuse from friends and acquaintances but, dammit, I soldiered on. "Next year," I replied! "Just wait. Next year HAS to be better!" I hung in through Shula, I hung in through LeBeau, I hung in through Coslet and Akili Smith and Ki-Jana Carter and every other horrific turd that Mike Brown tried to polish, package and sell us.

How wrong I was; we haven't gotten better. Mike Brown is still selling us that now-moldy piece of previously polished shit, and there I sit, like a ginormous douche, taking it week after week. Some days I wonder how long I'll hang in with this sad excuse of a professional sports team. Most days, I wonder what our coaching staff and owner will cook up to make us an even bigger laughingstock than before. But every day, I wonder if I'm quite insane. I always crawl back--every Sunday--for more abuse. And like many other douchbags here, I too have infected my family. They watch the games and wear Bengals shirts out in public and pay attention to the score. I've shared this insanity with them.

I wonder if I should be brought up on charges or something.

I'm a complete and utter douche.

[MikeyRu]

I spend every Sunday at the Chicago Bengal Bar, where 150-200 Bengal fans congregate weekly clad in jerseys and striped pajama pants to watch the Bungles and eat imported Skyline Chili. We collectively sing "The Bengal Growl" after each touchdown. Before the game, the conversation always is about how we have a chance to win this game and how we feel like this is the week. After the game we all bitch about how bad we are and hang our heads in shame. When I see a Bengal fan on the streets, I just shake my head cause I feel bad for him that he has to suffer through this like I do. My name is Mike, and I am a douschebag.

[Jason]

I'm a d-bag. If I had the money and an extra room in my house, I'd have a Bengals themed football watching man room complete with Bengals recliners and sofa, Bengals neon signs, Bengals Jerseys, Bengals lamps and maybe a FatHead. This may also be the year I finally get my own custom black & orange shoes.

[REW]

All this douchebaggery is taking a depressing turn. Remember the Alamo-Riverfront! Turn your douchebaggedness into RAGE and revolt against the tyranny of Mike Brown. You say your a douchebag...I say your a revolutionary, a hero, a believer! I AM A DOUCHEBAG!!!! SCREAM IT LOUD AND PROUD!!!

IF IT IS A BROWN GUN IT DOWN!

[James Mixson]

I moved from SC to Cinci and became sucked into the unholy void that is Bengals fervor. Now I watch every game sitting in the stands, usually with my head on my hands, shaking in disbelief. I proudly fly a Bengals flag at my house and own two jerseys (Peter Warrick and Justin Smith ), probably a dozen hats/visors and assorted stuff. I do believe that I will change the #80 jersey to "DoucheBag!"

Isn't there a 12-Step program for Douchebags like us?

[Scott Simons]

if my daughter (2yrs old) sees the colors orange and black together anywhere, she starts screaming Who Dey at me. my douchebaggedness is so rich that it has spread to someone who is only 80% accurate in pooping in the potty. i and my entire family are d-bags

[Andrew Simon]

Amber - Who Dey DC is at Bottom Line. Email us at whodeydc [at] gmail [dot] com.

APBF - it's best to just not respond. And this "commitment, loyality and dogged tenacity" you speak of? Clearly a result of your douchiness. Lets get back to the topic at hand.

[A Pragmatic Bengals Fan]

When did our self-help group become a free pass for jackass Steeler fans to come and kick us while we're down? Is this okay?

How is it that Steeler fans are so proud of their fanhood when they've never really had a challenge to it? When your team has four superbowl rings plus a gift from the zebras, is a well-run and proud organization with an owner who actually COULD find his posterior with a flashlight, and the only really tough thing they have to deal with is "mascot" tha'ts an odd tribute to the coach who cashed in his chips a year after he finally got that gift-wrapped ring with a name as homoerotic as Steely McBeam?

What's the challenge in that? Stinkin' easy-road-taking Stiller fans. It takes a real commitment, loyalty, and a dogged tenacity against giving up to be a fan of a franchise as inept and failure-ridden as this one.

[Amber]

Where is the Who Dey bar in DC? My husband and I just moved here and need to be around people who understand our affliction. Last week we ended up in a bar surrounded by Steelers fans who mocked us endlessly. It made me ill.

We will be the douchebags in the Boomer and Munoz jerseys, since we can't let go of the memory of a time when it was safe to cheer for our team without bags over our heads.

[johnnyhollywood]

live in LA + attend several games a year + license plate holder + salt and pepper shakers + fat head + rug + ps2 controller + (4 jerseys + 5 tees + 1 jacket) + sunday ticket = douchebag

[Steve-O]

hello, my name is Steve-O and yes, I am a douchebag. Week after week. Year after year. I subject myself to the false hope that perhaps our so-called high-powered offense will kick it into gear at catapault us to greatness. Yet every week at around 4pm eastern standard time, my hopes and dreams are thoroughly crushed. I live about 45 minutes north of New York City, and am surrounded by numerous Giants, Jets, and even Patriots fans, who all point, stare, laugh, taunt, and throw things in my general direction each sunday at my local establishment. I am delusional. I tell everyone I encounter that this is our week, we will thoroughly crush and dominate (like you should on saturday nights at the bars) each opponent we face. Yet every monday I am forced to face those to whom I flaunted my Who Dey powers to, hanging my head in shame.

My Dad, who still lives in Cincinnati, even told me to get a new team. He said they're losers, and I'm a loser too for rooting for them, week in, week out. I suppose when you're own father calls you out as being a loser, then you qualify as a douchebag. My name is Steve-O, and yes, I'm a douchebag. Thank you for your time.

[HIVStiller]

Yu gUYs are teh SuxORS!!!!!!!

[Winn Parry]

There is no escaping the fact that we are all douchebags. We cheer on the worst professional franchise of all time. For this reason, and also because I wear a 1980's see-through mesh Bengals jersey without an undershirt, I am one humongous douchebag.

[Bungals Truly Suck]

You're an even bigger douche than you think because NYC is filled with Steeler fans. So many Steeler bars here dominated by the biggest and best fan base in football.

You're a douche for buying into the Carson Palmer media hype, and believing he's even half fit to carry a real QB like Roethlisberger's jock. Which he isn't.

You're a douche because when you fly into Cincinnati, you're really flying into Kentucky. Kentucky! Ha ha ha!

Who dey gonna douche dem Bengals?

[signplax]

It's often a difficult thing coming to grips with the reality that the team you follow, the team you cheer for day after day, year after year, the team you think has what it takes really sucks.

Sorry, I am not a Bengals fan, but instead I'm hardcore Steelers fan. Been that way since 1972.....I'm an addict to Steelers football. I feel for you guys, I really do. Just when it appeared you were turning the corner, some of your felons started acting up and the next thing you know you're staring up at the Steelers from the basement again.

Maybe the basement isn't such a bad place. I mean hell, I've seen some really nice basements in my day. Pool tables, big screen tv's...a bar. But there's always that stigma....."let's go down to the basement." There's something negative about it. Like you're not good enough to inhabit the upper floors of your house, so you have to go down to the basement.

Your performance against the lowly and offensively challenged Ravens spoke volumes. I thought you guys were a .500 team this year, but shit was I wrong. You're looking down the barrel of a 5-11 season. Good news is you get another high draft pick. Bad news is you still have the same idiots in management, and they'll surely pick another problem child who will flash his genitals to a school bus and get arrested during preseason.

There's a couple options:

1. Cyanide
2. Sleeping pills
3. Noose/stool combo (basement)

Or if you want to do something a little less drastic, may I suggest you start following a new team. Say a team that has 5 SB rings and has the talent to get the 6th real soon.

Whatever you decide, keep this famous quote by Casey Kasem in mind "Keep your feet on the ground but keep reaching for the stars." Feel better you douchebags?

[Hi5Steeler]

I somehow feel PARTLY responsible for your pain and douchebaggeddyness.If there is anything we dey can do, please let us know.

~Pittsburgh Steeler Fan Hi5Steeler

[John Bauer]

Thank you all for letting me realize that I am a giant douche bag. I have watched the Bengals since i started playing football at 6. Cried when they lost and began my vast collection of Bengals football cards, which I still have in the old football binder locked away for safe keeping.(tear) I have just bought a house and well lets say my basement is half Buckeyes(wife is alumn) and the rest are my autographed pictures, bengal towels, blankets, pillow and probably about as much douche bag stuff in it as possible. I have 7 Bengals jerseys(Palmer,CJ,Rudi, Woods, Esiason, Fulcher(signed)and (tear for my douche baggery)a KiJana Carter) and yes i do change them when they are playing bad in hopes to turn the game around. I have reveled in what i now know is football douche baggery for going on 25 years now. I think im going to start a Cincinnati Douche Bag Supprort Group now.....(and cry myself to sleep)

[Go Steelers!]

Man, you all make me glad I was born in Pittsburgh. Looking forward to 10/19 already!

[JohnM]

From a recent Cincinnati native transplanted to Denver...

What kills me is that it was so easy to embrace the Rockies and forsake the Reds, yet I can't do the same with the Bengals. (I had embraced the Rockies almost immediately, although the whole World Series thing didn't hurt.) Both the Reds and the Bengals are in about the same position, neither has won a playoff game/series since I was a child and both have brought year after year of irrational hopes and unprecedented quantities of disappointment. Isn't Carson Palmer the second coming of Ken Griffey Jr? So much talent but will never see a Championship game anywhere except from the comfort of the living room? Yet I'm stuck with the Bengals. They are always losers, but not in the fun Chicago Cubs kind of way, but rather the neighbor kid that is 3 years younger than you pushing your face into a pile of dogshit every Sunday kind of way. It's obviously an addiction and there needs to be a rehab for it. We spend tons of money feeding it and all we get out of it is feeling worse than the day before. Every Sunday is worse than the one before it. Every Sunday that you see a Bengals fan is the worst Sunday of that fan's life. (I would throw Monday in there but it's not like the NFL would waste another prime time game on these losers) Even with the occasional win, all it accomplishes is the rekindling of that microscopic spark of hope that maybe this is the turning point, only to be doused with a fire hose the following week by 250+ yards & 2 touchdowns by a backup QB making his first ever NFL start.

What can I say? I can't see the 2008 season as being anything but an inevitable "rock bottom" for me. If there isn't a major shake up of players and front office during or after this season, I have no choice but to jump ship. I cannot continually punish myself and continue to pay money to do so for much longer. I am a broken fan with little left to give.

[HGP2]

LMFAO!

Can I have a hallelujah! I realized I was a douche bag when I was going to the bar every Sunday in Connecticut, and instead of asking them to put on the Bengal game I'd ask about whoever they were playing!

Hehe....my wife continually reminds me of my douchebagedness (and I'm trying to convince my sons to follow me, but sadly they seem to be showing some common sense not visible in their father).

[Nick]

Wow, Ocho Douche might have just knocked the bar up a couple knotches. My dog wears a Bengals collar. My dog is a Douche and doenst even know it.

[ocho douche]

A few years ago I had an old college roomate living out in St. Louis. He invited me and some others to come out and rock new years then drive to kansas city to watch the playoff-bound bengals. At the time I was in a 2.5 year relationship that was on the rocks. I went to the game instead of patching things up and when I got back to Ohio, I got broken up with. I am a huge douche bag

[Treats Foreman]

I followed the game on Sunday at a funeral on my phone via gamecast... Label me douche. I also put forth the effort to text Winn Parry during the game... a fellow king douche.

Who Dey Burger Please.

[34 Seconds......]

We all are just members of the DB fraternity: our founding father: Lewis Billups, enough said.....

[Posolxstvo the First]

Although I am not a Bengals fan (I won't mention the team that I am a fan of, as that will surely get me moderated off), I ran across your posting here, and applaud your quest. And wish you all the luck in the world with your revolution.

[Bglove25]

I have been attending Bengals games at the Who Dey bar in DC for 2 years. I usually start strong, watch a game or to, then never come back for fear of my blood pressure rising to high. I'm the one, sitting at the bar, screaming like a fucking maniac for someone to make a GODDAMN tackle.

My first Bengals memory was asking if we had won the game at a family super bowl party in 89. I was four. I was disappointed but I thought they'd be back next year... and I haven't given up hope since. This makes me a douchebag.

[Paul Katz]

I wasn't aware that WDR was a big support group where you could swap life stories and hug each other while sobbing silently.

[Bear Fan MIke]

I am not a douche bag. I am a Bears fan and we kicked the crap out of the team 90 miles east of you douche bags, whom you revere as if they were in some way godly. I come to work every Monday and tear my douche bag co-worker a new one. That same douche bag coworker sent me this link and now I've gotten to laugh at how many miserable Bengal loving douches there are out there. I've enjoyed listening to you miserable douche bags cry about how lousy your team is almost as much as I enjoyed beating the Colts.

I am Mike I am not a douche bag.

Thanks douche bags

[Nick]

I am a first year law student, and probably should spend my time studying. You know, thats kind of important I hear. Instead, I watch this crappy team on Sunday Ticket (great use of Financial Aid money). In addition to hopefully being a lawyer, this makes me a douchebag.

[T. Douglas]

I live in denver and wear a bengals polo to work on casual fridays, hang a bengals banner from my front porch all year long, have bengals floormats in my car, make - what i believe at the time to be reasonable wagers over the bengals performance each week with co-workers - only to be laughed at when i get into the office on monday, make my girlfriend suffer through games on sunday, pay directv for sunday ticket only to almost break my tv by throwing the remote at it in disgust, refrain from making plans on sundays during the nfl season and for what??? to be bent over by p. brown and family every sunday as i watch the franchise i love continue their legacy as the perennial cellar-dwellers of the nfl year-after-year.

I am a douchebag.

[Nate]

I was beginning to worry that I was one of the few dumbass Bengals Douchebags left. My douchebaggery started when I was 7 years old sitting in my Bengals replica helmet. I was crying for a half hour after watching Montana slice through the "SWAT TEAM" and hit J Taylor in the end zone to end our only hope to be World Champions. Before Sunday Ticket came along, this Douchebag and my younger brother would pray that somehow the game would be sold out and wouldnt be Blacked Out so we could watch it on TV. Our douchebaggedness was passed on from our dad who we sucked back into being a fan again in 2004. We drug him to his first game in 10 years that year after he swore off the team. I have the picture of me (douchebag) in a Bengals Parka, My Brother (douchebag) in a Bengals Cape, and my Dad with his mustache painted half orange and half black framed on a shelf in my bedroom. My sister lives in Sacramento and has Sunday Ticket and suffers through every game in a CJ jersey. She had a boy last year and we all said that she couldnt turn him into a douchebag Bengals fan. But - I couldnt help myself and sent him a toddler CJ jersey for his 1st bday... Besides dragging my dad back in and screwing over my Nephew, I talked my best friend into buying a "Bread Truck" and have my mom spend 2 weeks painting a jungle scene on it for tailgating. I still cant turn the F'ing games off until there is 0 on the clock.. I am a douchebag

[David Klingler]

Wow, you guys are a bunch of douches.

[katie]

i grew up with michelle munoz, anthony's daughter. i have been a hopeless bengals fan since i he read a book about football to my first grade class.

i even lived in a third world country without tv for three years and cursed the play-by-play on espn.com.

i am, sadly, a lady douchebag.

[ryan]

(tear slowly falling from one eys)Comrades I, too, share in your douchebaggery

[MuseoBengal]

I live in Indianapolis. I went to the preseason game in Lucas Oil in my orange Shayne Graham jersey and cheered for the Bengals. I am going to the MNF game on Dec. 7 in the same jersey, cheering for the same team.

I am a douchebag.

[Josh Hart]

I just bought a plane ticket to go to Cincy this weekend to watch the Bengals get beat by Kerry Collins, Albert Haynesworth and the Tennessee Titans. I am a douchebag.

[Andrew Simon]

I just realized I am even more of a d-bag. I bought a car, got DC plates, and then put the plates on my car using a Bengals license plate holder. I am such a dbag.

[Esiason Forever]

My god... where do I begin...

I was 9 years old when I watched the Bengals first heartbreaking Super Bowl loss to the Niners in SB XVI. I barely knew what football was but I was hooked. At that age, I'm sure it was as much the cool looking tiger-striped helmets as it was the greatness of Kenny Anderson, but I had Bengals fever. Shortly thereafter, my family moved from SW Ohio to upstate NY but my passion for the Bengals never waned. My grandparents mailed me newspaper articles from the Cincinnati papers every week during the season so I could follow my team before the advent of the internet and 6 different channels of all sports, all the time TV. And then came Norman Julius Esiason (and JB and Eddie and Fulcher... and even Ickey). And then came SB XXIII. And those previously mentioned 34 seconds. And the hollow place in my soul that has been left void for the past 19 years... that I've been trying to fill by continuing to support this team. I moved back to the Cinci area after high school. I've gone to the training camps at Wilmington and now Georgetown. I've had season tickets for the last 6 years. I own custom-made orange and black Nike shoes. I own (and wear to every game) an authentic Boomer Esiason jersey (and yes, an authentic Akili Smith jersey hangs quietly, alone in the back of my closet). The den and guest bathroom in my house are painted Bengals orange with a myriad of Bengals pictures, posters, trinkets adorning the walls and shelves. And a lesser known fact even to my friends... even though I've never collected football cards in general, I spent a few years in the late 90's (sparked by Boomer's messiah-like Bengals comeback in '97, a possible new beginning squelched by Mike Brown's unwillingness to offer enough money to keep him from being lured away to the MNF booth) trolling eBay and amassing a collection of over 250 different Boomer Esiason football cards which I keep in protective sleeves in a binder in my den. I TOO AM A DOUCHEBAG!

[Rich]

I started to think,in the Dickensian words of Tiny Tim, "God Bless Us, each and every Douchebag."
But then I realized that God gave us free will and a good football team a mere 90 miles away.
And, therefore, surely even God thinks we are douche bags.

[A Pragmatic Bengals Fan]

I have legally imparted my douchebaggery to my son, Carson.

I have otherwise imparted my douchebaggery to my daughter, who in addition to "Go Bucks!" (NOT douchey at all) loves to say "Who Dey."

I injected my wife, who could have cared less about football before the slightly less than casual sports fan she married started a Bengals Blog and is paying the Sunday Ticket fee to watch a mess every Sunday afternoon, with my douchebaggery and I was never prouder of her than when she called me during the playoff game to ask why Kitna was playing instead of Palmer (I was watching over at my Dad's and she had turned the game on late).

You know, until I watched my children be born. Then I was prouder about that at least.

[Andrew Simon]

I would also like to add my douchery extends beyond my unhealthy allegiance to the Bengals because I do crush it and dominate every weekend