Don't Pass Up On This Deal

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Who Dey Revolution Manifesto

Preamble
IN THIS TIME of perpetual Cincinnati Bengals incompetence and futility, with zero playoff wins in the nineteen seasons since the WhoDeyRevolution Godfather, Paul Brown, passed away in 1991 and handed the team to his fortunate son, the Despot, Mike Brown;

Introduction

WE, the members of the Who Dey Revolution, in our fervent dedication to the Cincinnati Bengals and fanatical desire to transform our hometown team into perpetual Super Bowl contenders, call for a popular revolution of fans to demand comprehensive reform to the managerial decisions and approach of Cincinnati Bengals ownership, management, staff and players, and hereby call for the adoption of the following Who Dey Revolution Manifesto:

Manifesto Demands

THAT the Mike Brown, Katie Blackburn, Marvin Lewis, along with every other member of the Bengals management, staff and personnel, state publicly to all Bengals fans, “I will do everything in my power to help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl;”

THAT Mike Brown will hire a general manager, drastically expand the scouting department and relinquish all control of player personnel;

THAT all training, rehabilitation and medical facilities are considered best-in-class compared to other NFL teams;

THAT the management fill the team only with players who fit the system, both mentally and physically, and are not reluctant to makes changes to player personnel when needed, regardless of cost or loyalty concerns;

THAT offensive and defensive line depth is considered the top priority for all player personnel decisions;

THAT all decisions made by ownership, management, staff and players, both on and off the field, are judged only by this criterion: “Does this help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl?”

September 29, 2008

Come one come all. This Wednesday there is a firesale going on. Bill Cowher has put his chin on the market. For a limited time only you can be the proud renter/owner of the cavernous chin. Go to Ebay and bid. It's good to have a party in, foam pit included. A creepy Halloween party? Vacation in the chin? Mobile home? It can be yours for the one time price of $174.99.

Have too much shit in your place? Rent the chin as storage. Waterproofing is a must though. Don't want Kordell's man juice on your stuff, get the slash insurance. Jerome Bettis' anus too close to your stuff. Just get the Detroit policy. All angles are covered.

*The Chin is not safe to store your kids or pets in. All sales are final.

*Chin also comes with a porch swing and lovely view of the CBS football set and Neil O' Donnells taint on certain days.

Posted by Sly Vramavomovich on September 29, 2008 at 10:43 PM in Pittsburgh: Where Bad People Deserve Their Shitty Lives | Permalink

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Bengals Futility - By The Numbers

20 - Years since the Bengals have won a playoff game

0 - Total number of playoff wins in Mike Brown's tenure as owner

.359 - Bengals regular season winning percentage since Mike Brown took over as owner (115-206-1 in 20 seasons)

29-34-1 - Record since 2005 playoff game vs Steelers

6 - Seasons the Bengals have lost their first six games since 1991. No other team has more than two.

0 - Teams North of Cincinnati without an indoor practice facility

10 - Players arrested in a 14 month span from 2005-2006

32 - Mike Brown's ranking, out of 32, of the "Best Owners in the NFL" by Michael Silver of Sports Illustrated in 2007

458,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, that Hamilton County Taxpayers paid to build PBS

2032 - Year that Hamilton County will have finally paid off its debt on the stadium deal

3 - Total number of non-clerical employees employed in the Bengals scouting department, lowest in the league

747,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, paid in free agency by the Bengals from 1994 - 2005, second worst of all 28 teams in existence for the duration, behind only Arizona

118 – Ranking, out of 118 professional teams, of the “Worst Franchises” in professional sports, as ranked by ESPN the Magazine in 2003.

97 – Ranking, out of 98 general managers in all four major sports with three or more years of experience, of Mike Brown’s performance as a GM, as ranked by Forbes in 2007.

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September 29, 2008