IN THIS TIME of perpetual Cincinnati Bengals incompetence and futility, with zero playoff wins in the nineteen seasons since the WhoDeyRevolution Godfather, Paul Brown, passed away in 1991 and handed the team to his fortunate son, the Despot, Mike Brown;
Introduction
WE, the members of the Who Dey Revolution, in our fervent dedication to the Cincinnati Bengals and fanatical desire to transform our hometown team into perpetual Super Bowl contenders, call for a popular revolution of fans to demand comprehensive reform to the managerial decisions and approach of Cincinnati Bengals ownership, management, staff and players, and hereby call for the adoption of the following Who Dey Revolution Manifesto:
Manifesto Demands
THAT the Mike Brown, Katie Blackburn, Marvin Lewis, along with every other member of the Bengals management, staff and personnel, state publicly to all Bengals fans, “I will do everything in my power to help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl;”
THAT Mike Brown will hire a general manager, drastically expand the scouting department and relinquish all control of player personnel;
THAT all training, rehabilitation and medical facilities are considered best-in-class compared to other NFL teams;
THAT the management fill the team only with players who fit the system, both mentally and physically, and are not reluctant to makes changes to player personnel when needed, regardless of cost or loyalty concerns;
THAT offensive and defensive line depth is considered the top priority for all player personnel decisions;
THAT all decisions made by ownership, management, staff and players, both on and off the field, are judged only by this criterion: “Does this help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl?”
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The timing is downright eerie isn't it?
Quick summary: both the Bengals and the economy (financial sector in particular) have suffered for a long time under total mismanagement from miserable leaders with only small hints there were massive problems until it all came undone in 2008.
Well, at least it's good for a few laughs.
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20 - Years since the Bengals have won a playoff game
0 - Total number of playoff wins in Mike Brown's tenure as owner
.359 - Bengals regular season winning percentage since Mike Brown took over as owner (115-206-1 in 20 seasons)
29-34-1 - Record since 2005 playoff game vs Steelers
6 - Seasons the Bengals have lost their first six games since 1991. No other team has more than two.
0 - Teams North of Cincinnati without an indoor practice facility
10 - Players arrested in a 14 month span from 2005-2006
32 - Mike Brown's ranking, out of 32, of the "Best Owners in the NFL" by Michael Silver of Sports Illustrated in 2007
458,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, that Hamilton County Taxpayers paid to build PBS
2032 - Year that Hamilton County will have finally paid off its debt on the stadium deal
3 - Total number of non-clerical employees employed in the Bengals scouting department, lowest in the league
747,000,000 - Amount, in dollars, paid in free agency by the Bengals from 1994 - 2005, second worst of all 28 teams in existence for the duration, behind only Arizona
118 – Ranking, out of 118 professional teams, of the “Worst Franchises” in professional sports, as ranked by ESPN the Magazine in 2003.
97 – Ranking, out of 98 general managers in all four major sports with three or more years of experience, of Mike Brown’s performance as a GM, as ranked by Forbes in 2007.
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The US Economy and Eric Ghiachic got JACKED UP
Posted by: Brosef Stalin | September 29, 2008 at 04:10 PM
Q: What's the difference between Wall St. and Levi Jones???
A: Nothing, they both got JACKED UP.
Posted by: Who Che | September 29, 2008 at 05:17 PM
I think being a Bengals fan is lot like financing a subprime mortgage - it is a piece of shit investment that makes someone else rich. Mike Brown for CEO of Freddie Mac or Fannie Mae!!!
Posted by: Rich | September 29, 2008 at 05:25 PM
Bonus points to anyone who can identify the asset class pictured above that got JACKED UP like the Bengals starting C and LT.
Posted by: Sleeping With Bieniemy | September 29, 2008 at 06:25 PM
Can't we exercise some sort of eminent domain and takeover ownership of this team? Can't the U.S. Senate step in and bail us out of this one by giving us, say, two wins?
Slepingw/B., is it Astroglide futures?
Posted by: IgnatiusJReilly | September 29, 2008 at 06:37 PM
Ignatius J, that would be a completely unconstitutional and illegal power grab - not unlike the Bailout Plan...and I think the city could make no better investment than to hire the most devious lawyer in the U.S. to find the loophole that will allow it.
Close with the Astroglide guess, but it turns out it's the market value of Cincinnati municipal bonds because of the massive hole the city was put in by building the stadiums.
Kidding, it's an index of mortgage backed securities backed by subprime loans.
Posted by: Sleeping With Bieniemy | September 29, 2008 at 06:57 PM
I think we all agree, republicans and democrats, that we need a government buyout of the Bengals and increased regulation. The rich, greedy ownership can't continue to benefit at this cost to main street.
Posted by: Rich | September 29, 2008 at 07:30 PM
And I'd like Sarah Palin to get involved with this - but mostly because she is hot.
Although, come to think of it, she couldn't do any worse than Brown.
Posted by: Rich | September 29, 2008 at 07:31 PM
Palin's definitely a smoke show compared to Katie Blackburn, and yes, I have no doubt, backed with the full faith and credit of the stadium revenues, she could run a better operation than what we currently have.
Posted by: Sleeping With Bieniemy | September 30, 2008 at 12:05 AM
If I was gonna do Sarah Palin, I'd just do Tina Fey instead- she's funnier and less likely to believe people used to ride dinosaurs.
Posted by: IgnatiusJReilly | September 30, 2008 at 12:15 AM