Bengals Are Like Pedro Cerrano - From Major League II

Most of you (I would hope) have seen the classic movie Major League, about a group of misfits from Cleveland (hurts to even mention) that pulls together and wins the pennant. Yeah, it's the adult version of the Bad News Bears, but it was still hilarious. My favorite character is Pedro Cerrano, the badass, voodoo-loving power hitter from some Caribbean Island (I'm guessing Cuba or Dominican Republic--can't remember). Far fewer of you probably saw Major League II, which was horrendous, mostly because they cleaned up the language. Assholes.

However, in Major League II, Pedro Cerrano comes back and everyone pays him the goddamn respect that he deserves. It is quickly found out, however, that Cerrano has become a Buddhist, and, by extension, a total pussy. Everyone proceeds to walk all over him, and he just shrugs his shoulders, and says, "Oh well. I'll get them next time."

The 2005 Bengals were the original Pedro Cerrano. The 2008 Bengals are the panty-waste, no fire, we'll-get-em-next-time, 0-and-4 steaming pile that we now have to watch (check that, choose to watch--but that may change for me). They have become Buddhist Cerrano.

Take a look at Marvin Lewis or Ryan Fitzpatrick's post-game press conferences. Take a look at anything Carson says. It's feeble, passive shite. The Bengals have chosen to fill the team with a group of people who have no fire or passion. We need the Pedro Cerrano to the RIGHT.

Now, I'm not saying that every guy needs to be Ray Lewis--but we sure as hell could use a Ray Lewis. Someone that will get in everyone's face, tell them to stop being a bunch of worthless d-bags, and go out and play some fucking football.

Take Levi Jones. The fact that his fellow teammates have not Roshambeauxed his nutsack into a pile of useless pulp is unbelievable. The way he's playing, he is either tanking games for his own personal amusement or being bribed by someone in Vegas. Or both. Bench him and put in the rookie. Seriously.

Bratkowski: if you call for a punt for the rest of the season, you're fired. If it's 4th and 29 on our own 1 yard-line, we're going for it. Nothing to lose. At least people will think we're like the North Korea of the NFL--totally batshit crazy. I'd rather be a loose cannon than an ineffectual bunch of losers.

Lastly, WDR is not in the habit of saying I told you so. However, I am making it a habit: I TOLD YOU SO. ALSO, HERE. All the d-bags out there who think that we're going to improve, or think that Chris Henry's return or Carson Palmer's return will bring us a playoff berth: you are wrong. You had the preseason and game 1-3 to be optimistic. Now, it's time to DEMAND change. WhoDeyRevolution: it's time for Mike Brown to resign. Period.

Comments

[Chase F]

We need someone like, Tanaka, to tell Serano he, has no marbles. Tanaka would, also be better, than Levi Jones, at Tackle.

[Ed from Ohio]

Love the site--what is it about ineptitude that causes critical genius, like a Roger Ebert review of a Rob Schnieder movie?

Anyway, I think Cincinnatians need to take a long term view here--the Bengals are not going to change their organizational culture with Mike Brown. And the suckers who packed P. Brown Stadium this Sunday are total enablers to this travesty of a football team.

We need a few more 0-16, 1-15, and 2-14 seasons, a few more head coaches, and perhaps a C-USA quarterback to get through the thick skulls of the fanbase so that ticket sales dip and local TV games are blacked out. Its that kind of bottomline pressure that can affect an exit of the Brown progeny and this useless football team. Let LA have them.

Secondly, Cincinnati will need to make a case for a replacement team. We'll need support for the Banks, crime clean-up and poverty reduction, more qualified public schools, and a gubenatorial action to get the NFL to come back here. Maybe we can get Jacksonville's team--their market sucks.

And then, fans, you'll need to wait a few years to build up the quality of Cincinnati Jaguars to AFC-North contention.

I'd hazard a guess of 2016 or so. What do you say?

[HGP2]

-wanders in with a glassy look in his eyes-

(Heavy monotone)

We just need to be more consistent. We need to get guys playing harder and smarter.

[U Can't Stop the Guru]

I love the Bengals, and I'm glad we're in contention.
I love the Bengals, and I'm glad we're in contention.
I love the Bengals, and I'm glad we're in contention.
I love the Bengals, and I'm glad we're in contention.
I love the Bengals, and I'm glad we're in contention.
I love the Bengals, and I'm glad we're in contention.
I love the Bengals, and I'm glad we're in contention.
I love the Bengals, and I'm glad we're in contention.

"Medication time!"

I love the Bengals, and I'm glad we're in contention.
I love the Bengals, and I'm glad we're in contention.
I love the Bengals, and I'm glad we're in contention.
I love the Bengals, and I'm glad we're in contention.
I love the Bengals, and I'm glad we're in contention.
I love the Bengals, and I'm glad we're in contention.
I love the Bengals, and I'm glad we're in contention.
I love the Bengals, and I'm glad we're in contention.

"Sir, it's medication time!"

[KY6]

Let's not go overboard here gentleman... just think about whats going to happen next week.

Chris Henry comes back, Carson's elbow comes off the ice, JJ starts at corner, and the Bengals RETURN to the national stage as they TOURCH Dallas for 400+ yards, 6 TDs, etc.

This will be the jump start to 12-4 boys... if you can't see that, you're blind.

[Sleeping With Bieniemy]

Ed - you raise good points and it's something people should start to take seriously: what can we do to make sure if the Brown's (that's what I'm calling us from now on) leave town, they city can get a replacement team.

I think the city has been taking some great steps recently to move from its previous 30 odd years of policies that minimize its potential to policies that will help maximize its potential. Of course, I'm glad the city is doing this anyway but it will be all the more timely if we need to attract a new NFL team.

We will write more on this as the Bengals flirt with a winless season.

[Brosef Stalin]

KY6 is my favorite commenter by far. He is so lucid.