ESPN Has Already Stolen Your Brain

With the Bengals set to square off against Green Bay in a couple days we here at Who Dey Rev thought it would be fun to predict how the Monday Night Countdown segment would unfold. I personally can't wait to hear the crew's insightful analysis on both teams and little mention of #4 or #85. As for the actual game, a Palmer will get a lot of snaps. Kornheiser will show off his stellar pregame research by noting that the Bengals shouldn't be playing Carson this early in the preseason, only to have Jaws gently pat him on the arm and then awkwardly tell TV viewers that it is actually Carson's brother playing while Tirico looks on in stunned silence. What great chemistry those three have. I know what could turn that booth around. George Grande. Either way, it's all so exciting.

And now, try not to stare too long into the soulless eye of ESPN's mind.

Chris Berman (Looking very slim and healthy in HDtv): Tonight we have a matchup of two teams coming off of tumultuous offseasons trying to turn the page and play some football. On one side, there is The Lambeau Leapers, The Polka Dancing Kielbasa Swallowing Keepers of Football's Holiest Field (Has to take a breath) The GREEN BAY PACKERS. On the other side is the Bengals. Fellas, what do you make of these two teams and how are they going to play this year?

Steve Young (Looking smug and concussed at the same time, the quintessential all american mormon look) Well, as a general rule, the more controversy a team has in the offseason, the less focused they are going into the season. That means both these teams are going to stru(Cut off by Berman).

Berman: But what about Brett Favre? Is New York ready for such a fun loving guy (As he points around the table, emphasizing the question)? Are they going to love watching him have fun as much as the rest of the country already does?

Steve Young: I don't know what New York will make of him. It's up to how he plays. But back to what I was saying. Both teams will probably struggle early in the season until they can work out the kinks that they should have corrected in the offseason. The Bengals need to get their first round pick ready after a two week holdout. Their new Defensive Coordinator Mike Zimmer has to ch(Cut off by Keyshawn)

Keyshawn Johnson (Looking deadly serious): Thanks Steve. I talked to my cuz' Chad and he assured me that if he gets into that endzone there's going to be all sorts of fireworks for the crowd. He let me in on his secret dance and it is something special (Rubs his hands together and lets out a low whistle). Let's just say that the fans in the end zone won't need to shampoo their hair for a while.

Young and Tom Jackson: What?

Berman: TJ, what do you think about the Packers handling of the Favre situation.

Tom Jackson (Ignoring the question): The Packers defense and their running game will make Aaron Rodgers look plenty good. Just like last year when it didn't matter what Brett Favre did because he would inevitably get bailed out by his teammates.

Berman (Having a mild brain aneurysm): Wait, what? What did you say about Brett Favre? Every game the Packers won last year was because of #4. He has so much fun out there that the other team simply cannot withstand his jubilation for a full 60 minutes. How dare you question the Favre factor.

TJ: You're right. What was I thinking (he says, right after ESPN turns on their message control device they use for TJ and Young when their points become a little too thought-oriented. They have yet to need one for Keyshawn). Brett Favre loves to play football and people love watching him have fun out there.

Berman: Now to Ed Werder at Lambeau Field, Ed.

Ed Werder: Moments ago Chad Johnson came out to warm up and catch some balls. It appears he wasn't wearing his shoulder pads or his helmet, but he was wearing a shirt, so that might be a hint as to what his TD celebration might be. I'll have more to come later. Back to you Boom.

Berman: Okay we've got a quick commercial and then TJ will run down the biggest hits from training camp. Get ready to be...

Keyshawn and TJ and Young: JACKED UP!

Comments

[Klinglered]

I'll probably just mute the game except for when I unmute it so Emmitt can drop some knowledge on me during halftime.

[Akili Smith]

I am just glad WDR understands what a collective bunch of retards those guys are. Kornheiser's sexual attraction to Tom Brady has just ruined it for me.