Training Camp Preview - Part III

Previously, on Who Dey Revolution (Part I - Part II)

August 6th

Jerry Jones calls Mike Brown to offer him three first-round picks (2009, 2010, and 2012) for Chad Johnson.  Mike Brown doesn’t believe that Jerry Jones bought the Cowboys from Bum Bright in 1989; in fact, he’s never even heard of Jerry Jones and thus doesn’t take the deal seriously. 

Carson Palmer, fearing that the team is going to cut brother Jordan, switches jerseys with his bro to try to save him.  “New Jordan ” Palmer destroys the first-team defense.  People start to wonder what’s up with “Regular Carson” Palmer, who has an off day at practice.

August 6th

Jerry Jones calls Mike Brown to offer him three first-round picks (2009, 2010, and 2012) for Chad Johnson.  Mike Brown doesn’t believe that Jerry Jones bought the Cowboys from Bum Bright in 1989; in fact, he’s never even heard of Jerry Jones and thus doesn’t take the deal seriously. 

Carson Palmer, fearing that the team is going to cut brother Jordan, switches jerseys with his bro to try to save him.  “New Jordan ” Palmer destroys the first-team defense.  People start to wonder what’s up with “Regular Carson” Palmer, who has an off day at practice.

August 8th

Inspired by the great new hit, “Major League”, Mike Brown has pulled the following moves on the team…

1) Purchased a beat-down team bus.
2) Removed all hot water from the facilities and replaces it with siphoned Ohio River water, unfiltered.  After a shower, Pat Sims and Andrew Whitworth look like they are trying out for the sequel to The Incredible Hulk.
3) Changed all facemasks to the old single bar style (to save on steel costs).
4) Demanded that Marvin Lewis the roster get cut to 30 and have have the guys play ironman football.

Chad Johnson finally agrees to practice for real (the Raiders have scouts at practice and apparently Mike Brown has heard of that Al Davis fellow and wonders if he might be moving the Raiders from Los Angeles back to Oakland ).

Carson Palmer hits Chad with a pass, Chad catches it and gets drilled by Chine Ndukwe like a heat-seeking missile.  Zero Bengals check to see if Chad is OK; Marvin Lewis moves the drill down the field by ten yards.  Nick Riviera, Bengals team doctor, diagnoses Chad with a “percussion”. 

Drew Rosenhaus weeps at Chad ’s side… until Plaxico Burress calls him three seconds later. 

Dhani Jones tries to explain to Dr. Riviera that “percussion” is a type of music instrument (y’know, drum family); “CON-cussion” is a head injury.  Dr. Riviera gets in Dhani's face and informs him that he has watched, like, every ER and Scrubs episode, ever; and he stays at Holiday Inn Expresses all the time!  And that he knows what he’s talking about.  Dhani says a brief prayer that he never gets injured. 

August 9th (two days before the preseason game with Packers)

After being forced to answer question #121506 about Chad Johnson, Carson Palmer modifies his helmet to hold a flask, wires his helmet to play his iPod instead of receiving the play calls from Bob Bratkowski. 

Mike Brown berates Dave Lapham for not being in uniform for practice.  Lapham chuckles at the joke until he realizes Brown is totally serious.  He smiles, and slowly starts to back away.

Rudi’s chicken wing bone sold for $265 on eBay.  Rudi celebrates by re-watching his MTV Cribs episode – Featuring Club Ru-J in the basement – while eating his favorite snack, Fried Twink-roll-ix, a Twix bar stuffed inside a Swiss Cake Roll, stuffed inside a Twinkie, then wrapped in bacon, then fried, then covered with powdered sugar.

Just before the team boards beat-down busses for Green Bay for pre-season game #1, a debt collector repossesses Chad ’s gold teeth to pay off back taxes and the Go Bananas incident.