The Bengals training camp is 9 days away; and I was wondering what training Bengals training camp would look like with Chad's Chad-ness, Carson trying not to get sucked into Chad-ness, Rudi's new bulk up plan, the new defensive scheme, and the rest of the team and the drama that might ensue. Here is part one (of three parts being rolled out in the next couple of weeks) that I* have come up with...
* - with some help from Paul Katz
Previously on Who Dey Revolution
July 30th
Mike Brown replaces his BetaMax video cassette tape player with this new-fangled VHS video cassette tape player machine so he can watch this new movie called "Major League" that he's heard about. Sees what skimping on niceties in the clubhouse (like hot water, and medical equipment) can do to the psyche of a sports team. Takes detailed notes, becomes impressed at how the players on the team in the movie pulled together and "were competitive on the field of play".
Ben Utecht receives email from Peyton Manning, reads: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! LOSER!" Utecht stares at Super Bowl ring, sighing wistfully.
Domata Peko and TJ Houshmandzadeh discuss if bringing Soul Glo back would be a good business move. After the talk, Peko bathes in melted gold, and then gets blown off the line by Stacy Andrews.
August 1st
Jerome Simpson jumps to #3 on the receiving depth chart after jumping over David Jones to catch a ball. Jones is cut before he returns to the huddle.
The Bengals training camp is 9 days away; and I was wondering what training Bengals training camp would look like with Chad's Chad-ness, Carson trying not to get sucked into Chad-ness, Rudi's new bulk up plan, the new defensive scheme, and the rest of the team and the drama that might ensue. Here is part one (of three parts being rolled out in the next couple of weeks) that I* have come up with...
* - with some help from Paul Katz
Previously on Who Dey Revolution
July 30th
Mike Brown replaces his BetaMax video cassette tape player with this new-fangled VHS video cassette tape player machine so he can watch this new movie called "Major League" that he's heard about. Sees what skimping on niceties in the clubhouse (like hot water, and medical equipment) can do to the psyche of a sports team. Takes detailed notes, becomes impressed at how the players on the team in the movie pulled together and "were competitive on the field of play".
Ben Utecht receives email from Peyton Manning, reads: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! LOSER!" Utecht stares at Super Bowl ring, sighing wistfully.
Domata Peko and TJ Houshmandzadeh discuss if bringing Soul Glo back would be a good business move. After the talk, Peko bathes in melted gold, and then gets blown off the line by Stacy Andrews.
August 1st
Jerome Simpson jumps to #3 on the receiving depth chart after jumping over David Jones to catch a ball. Jones is cut before he returns to the huddle.
Keith Rivers tackles 315-pound Rudi Johnson while Johnson is eating buffalo wings. Rudi, at the bottom of the pile - after his 1 yard gain, his highest of the day - is choking on a wing; Rivers gives him the Heimlich maneuver. Rudi fires a chicken bone out of his lungs, hits Chad Johnson in the eye. Rivers cracks Rudi's ribs saving his life. Chad leaves practice for two days to deal with the conspiracy that Marvin, Carson, the local media, and the fans set in motion for him to get hit in the eye with Rudi's buffalo wing.
August 2nd
Mike Brown yells at John Thornton for ripping his practice jersey. Brown’s most impressive line of the diatribe, “I haven’t ripped my suit in the seventeen years I have owned this club! You’ve only made it five!”
Willie Anderson and Levi Jones, both hurt, decide to call other O-Linemen that they are friends with to see if their teams’ doctors still try to diagnose them with polio every time they get injured. Other teams do not.
Rudi’s chicken wing from the Chad incident had been picked up by a fan and is selling on eBay for an opening bid of $100. Bidding is up to $120.
August 3rd
Chad Johnson returns to practice wearing an eye patch. Chad is also dressed like a pirate and Drew Rosenhaus is wearing a parrot costume as he perches on Chad ’s shoulder. Chad says that he's hoping, that been dressed like an actually Buccaneer, will get Jon Gruden's attention. PTI and Around the Horn yell about it for a total of 7 minutes of air time. SportsCenter leads off with it.
Chad then accompanies Jimmy Buffet on the Cincinnati part of his tour singing “Chocolate Rain” and “Its My Party I Can Cry If I Want To”. Parrotheads are not amused, but are quickly distracted when Buffett starts to play “Fins” (“she came down from Cincinnati …”).
August 4th
After “Eye-gate”, as he started referring to it, Chad Johnson sits down to a nicely made Venti, non-fat, triple shot, hazelnut, vanilla latte, no whip, extra foam, no room with Peter King (King will be sure to log about the coffee in his MMQB column). Chad burns his tongue on the coffee, but plays his way through the interview. Practice? Not really.
Chad Johnson catches during camp: 1 (but that’s just because Phil Simms showed up for CBS and insisted on throwing one to him)
Interviews Chad Johnson gives during camp: 17
Migraine headaches for Marvin Lewis and Carson Palmer: 7
Chris Perry has left leg amputated in the training room by team doctor Nick Riviera after a failed ankle taping.
Lance McAllister's head explodes after 24 straight on-air hours of all-Chad all-the-time.
I just read this at my desk and laughed out loud at least 4 times. Brilliant.
Posted by: Matt Miller | July 18, 2008 at 04:23 PM
"The knee bone's connected to the...something. The something's connected to the...red thing. The red thing's connected to my...wrist watch. Uh oh."
"Just look at these x-rays. You see that dark spot there? Whiplash. And this smudge here that looks like my fingerprint...no, that's trauma!"
Posted by: Dr. Nick | July 18, 2008 at 04:27 PM