The Bengals training camp is 24 days away; and I was wondering what training Bengals training camp would look like with Chad's Chad-ness, Carson trying not to get sucked into Chad-ness, Rudi's new bulk up plan, the new defensive scheme, and the rest of the team and the drama that might ensue. Here is part one (of three parts being rolled out in the next couple of weeks) that I* have come up with...
* - with some help from Paul Katz
July 27th ( Players arrive )
The national and local media descends upon Georgetown, Kentucky to check on Chad (his Chad-itude, his ankle, what new disease or injury he has that will A) not something that would turn off potential team interested in trading for Ocho-Cinco, yet B) keeps him off the field for right now).
The national media talks to Chad , Chad talks back to them. The local media talks to Chad, Chad ignores them while Drew Rosenhaus feeds him grapes and whispers sweet nothings in his ear.
Mike Brown sees the interview and smiles because he thinks the national media agrees with him that Isaac Curtis is going to have a great year too.
Chad openly wonders why the Cincinnati fans hate him.
National media coverage of the Bengals: Words about Chad - 72%; REST OF TEAM - 28%
The best headline of the day come from USA Today...
Chad-a-Palooza Starts with a Bang
Other Dudes in Helmets Start Practicing Too.
July 28th (First day of practice)
Carson Palmer's silent growing rage increases 3% after having to answer his 71,203rd question about Chad Johnson.
Carson asks if it is possible to not talk about Chad to a swarm of
media memebers. They laugh hysterically... then continue asking about
Chad. Carson rolls his eyes, puts his helmet on, and head to the
offensive huddle.
Palmer's
first pass of the day shatters Antonio Chatman's entire skeletal
structure. Bengals fans are not surprised or concerned. Team doctor Nick Riviera attempts to fix Chatman, but instead turns him into the first NFL player made entirely of Jell-O.
Rudi Johnson eats three Chipotle burritos, a whole pizza and ten coneys (all the way) to bulk up for the season.
In an attempt to improve their performance, Leon Hall and Johnathan Joseph are told by Mike Zimmer to cover Chad Johnson and TJ Houshmandzadeh
at all times. Hall is pissed because he lost Paper-Rock-Scissors to
Joseph and now he's covering Chad who is serenading John Clayton with "Chocolate Rain”,
instead of partaking in drills. Joseph plucks a ball out of the air
from Jeff Rowe intended for TJ Houshmandzadeh. Jordan Palmer celebrates
with a quick, unnoticed fist-pump.
Mike Brown is wondering
why Ken Anderson changed his number from 14 to 9, but gets distracted
because there is hot water in the showers and sinks and groans about
having to pay for it.
Chad Johnson singing "Chocolate Rain"
becomes the most watched video on YouTube. PTI and Around the Horn
yell about it for a total of seven minutes of air time. Woody Paige is
awarded six points. SportsCenter leads off with it. Lance McAllister
begs listeners to not have three straight on-air hours of all-Chad
all-the-time. Callers do not comply.
July 29th
Mike Brown gives Keith Rivers a contract offer that does not insult his intelligence. Rivers signs. Mike Brown starts looking for other ways to cut back costs in order to make up for offering Rivers something higher than minimum wage. Ahmad Brooks starts thinking of ways to poison Rivers.
Rudi Johnson’s
special “bulk up lunch” today consists of a Bloomin’ Onion from
Outback, a Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast, three Wendy’s Bacon-a-tors,
and a soft-serve ice cream cone the size (and shape) of the Michelin
Man.
A collections agent visits Chad Johnson
about money he owes various entities. Nervous , Chad asks if C. Trent
Rosecrans’ offer for $20 to do an interview still stands. It does. C.
Trent coughs up $20, Chad give him five minutes. Drew Rosenhaus takes
$5 of it, and give $15 back to Chad . C. Trent asks a question, Drew
keeps saying, “Next question” for five minutes, then finally, “time’s
up”. C. Trent asks for his $20 back. Chad and Drew vanish.
Tune in to WDR to read Part II next week...
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